Jo Polniaczek Would Be So Disappointed... (S.1 E.14)

S.1 Ep.14

That Was No Lady

Written By: Liz Sage

Directed By: Jim Drake

Aired: 12/21/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. Props department! 

Rose and Sophia are out on the lanai playing a board game that definitely does not look like Trivial Pursuit. But, includes trivia questions. But, the board definitely doesn't look like a trivia type board. Well, let's just assume that they bought some type of off brand version of the game at the Pick n' Save. But, as they say in the cockpit - That's not important right now. Blanche has made the decision to buy a new car! Well, she can only buy it if she unloads her old car. So, she and Sophia talk Rose into giving the car a two week trial to see if she would like to purchase it. It's a bit flashy for Rose, but, she's feeling a little Lady Gaga this week and decides to go ahead and live on the edge of glory. 

Well, now who is this ray of sunshine making her way out to join the group? Why, can it be?? It's Dorothy... in a fantastic mood! Freeze that moment in your mind folks. It's as rare as a solar eclipse. And, you can look at it without safety shades. As far as I know? (I did feel the need for safety shades when my BFF and I saw Bea's one woman show in New York and she came out barefoot. But, that's a story for another day. I mean, her feet looked fine. It was just jarring!)  What I do know is that there is only one thing in the world that puts Dorothy in this type of mood - a man. And, she's got one! Or, at least a date with one. Glen O'Brien, gorgeous gym teacher at Dorothy's school. After flattening a bunch of students in the cafeteria line, girl got herself a date. And she is positively smitten! Hit by the thunderbolt, as Blanche says. The thunderbolt of love at first sight - which Rose also knows quite well. She experienced it when she first saw Charlie and he sold her an insurance policy on her little red wagon. A little red wagon that was, unfortunately destroyed by a vicious act of swine. You live, you learn - don't haul a smoked ham past a group of angry pigs....

Hey - why don't we all go to a hotel in the middle of the day and make sweet, sweet love? No? Ok, well, maybe just Dorothy and Glen will. It's three weeks later and seems like they've been doing quite a bit of that. But.... wait just one second! That's not Glen O'Brien - that's Charlie Polniaczek, Jo Polniaczek's dad from Facts of Life! And you all know it! (Yes, yes, he was in The Godfather too, big whoop.) It's Jo's dad!!! 

Oh, man. Jo's dad is dating Dorothy Zbornak. How is this gonna go over in Peekskill??? And it is hot and heavy. Dorothy is coo coo nuts over this man. She just made love during the day without a worry about how she looked, how she sounded (like a gorgon on that particular line), whatever is jiggling. I mean, it seems to be going amazingly well.

Dorothy is ready to take things to the next level. A trip to the Bahamas where they never leave the hotel room. But, Glen can't do it. Why not, you ask? Well, because he's married of course! Why else would they be meeting in the middle of the day at a hotel to make sweet, sweet love?! Dorothy is devastated. And outta there. After a misfire where she storms out - into the closet, she leaves Glen/Charlie P. alone with nothing but his cheating self and whatever room service macadamias might be left in the minibar. Man, I can't believe Natalie didn't get the scoop on this one and publish an expose in the Eastland paper.

Well, some time has passed, and Rose is still driving around in Blanche's car. Or, she's trying to. Turns out the car isn't in great shape. It makes more noises than Tony Treano getting wheeled out of Shady Pines on a gurney. Blanche, being the good friend and upstanding person she is, discourages Rose from taking the car to a mechanic. Oh Blanche, come on, don't rook your friend! Stop being shady! Shady Pines, that is! And poor, innocent Rose. Wearing my favorite palette from the JC Penney photo spread for COMFORT FASHIONS/SPRING '85 - just falls for it hook, line and sinker. 

Speaking of palates, that was a nice little cleanser, wasn't it? Hope you enjoyed it. Cause now we've gotta get back to Dorothy moping around the greater Miami area with her scarlet letter. Girl is in a complete depression. She's not going to work. Avoiding calls from her boss. Glen is calling her constantly. Avoiding calls from him. But, eventually she answers the phone and it's him and now she's stuck. What should she do?? Blanche thinks that if her and Glen really feel passionately about each other that they should go for it. While Rose, is absolutely certain that this affair is wrong. You know who would have the answer to this quandary?? 

Oh, don't look so shocked. You know as well as I do that she would know the right thing to do. She always does. Well, Edna's not in town. So, Dorothy goes with her gut. Well, maybe not her gut, but, her heart. Her hormones? All of the above? Who knows. But, she decides to meet up with Glen again. She keeps it on the DL and doesn't tell the other girls. Not even Tootie. Cause everyone knows she can't keep a secret. 

Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation. I think the sensations here though are guilt and anger - not good ones, like in a musical, that's for sure. Dorothy is returning from seeing Glen/Charlie P. Seeing him naked. In a motel. Well, Rose is shocked and dismayed, naturally. 

Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, beer bulb den of iniquity??

Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!

Rose literally covers her ears and the girls storm off in opposite directions. Rose slams the kitchen door, which is never gonna be as dramatic as she wants it to be because it's a swinging door, but, oh well. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. Anyway, Dorothy ends up joining her in the kitchen, as does Blanche. Rose is in full on "late night, sandwich, judgmental mode." Blanche is in more of a "late night, pick at some olives and subtly hint that the affair might not be a great choice mode." Dorothy is in full on "enormous piece of amazing looking chocolate cake, defensive mode." We learn a few things in this scene:

1) Rose can be REALLY sanctimonious when she wants to be. 

2) Blanche has never been with a married man. 

3) When checking in at a motel, always say you're Mrs. Don Shula and you'll get complimentary fruit and champagne. 

Just in the nick of time Sophia comes in and she's in "late night dropping truth bombs mode."

Sophia: I raised you to have respect for yourself. Not be someone's floozy. 

I just have a feeling that Sophia Petrillo and Edna Garrett would've been great friends. Now, THAT'S a spin off show that should've happened! Maybe the two of them traveling cross country in a winnebago giving people blunt, but caring advice? Damn. That was a missed opportunity. 

Anyway, it's a new dawn, a new day, and Sophia is rocking out to Purple Rain just as you'd expect. 

Rose enters the lanai in a tizzy, looking for Blanche. Sophia doesn't care because she's busy playing air guitar and singing the melody wrong. But, then we all care because Blanche enters wearing something from the JC Penney photo spread for COMFORT TABLECLOTHS/SPRING '85. 

I mean... she had to have done something to tick off Judy Evans this day, right? Well, anyway, Blanche has finally come to her senses and comes clean with Rose that her car is a terrible car and she cannot, in good conscience sell it to Rose. She's a smidge late with that info though, as the car has been stolen! We now get a quick ride on the the Blanche Devereaux Roller Coaster of Selfish Emotions. First stop - blaming Rose for the car getting stolen. Second stop - elation when Sophia lets her know that the insurance will pay her full blue book for the car. And, final stop - denial, when Rose calls her out on the fact that Blanche was trying to cheat her by selling her a rotten car. What a ride. 

Dorothy enters to let us know that she's meeting up with Mrs. O'Brien's husband again. You know, Dorothy keeps talking about how happy she is with Glen. Yet, every time she says it, she looks miserable. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I wonder why that is. Maybe we'll find out in the last 4 minutes of the episode...

Sexy or pensive? You tell me... Maybe a bit of both. It seems that our sensible Dorothy has finally located those senses again and come back to them. Glen refuses to leave his wife for fear he'll end up alone. Dorothy realizes that this leaves her with no future. So, she bids him a heartfelt farewell. Not a minute too soon. I mean, if she had found out about his secret identity, his prison record for burglary and his tomboy daughter with a mullet in Peekskill, it would've been even more devastating. 

Dorothy returns home to help Sophia put away the dishes, and make amends. All is well again between mother and daughter. Rose and Blanche decide that Dorothy and Sophia need a spin in Blanche's new sports car in order to lift the pall that's been hanging over them all. At first Dorothy begs off, but, then agrees to the jaunt and they all happily trot off to drive to a magical place where nekkid guys wrestle in the mud. A happy ending for all. 

And whatever becomes of Glen O'Brien? Did he eventually leave his wife and his job and take up a position in law enforcement in a city up north? Possibly...  Or, did he go on an angry rampage after being dumped and leave a trail of devastation culminating with the destruction of beloved upstate New York institution Edna's Edibles??

Only the employees of Over Our Heads will ever really know for sure... 

Guest Star: Alex Rocco - Glen O'Brien

Fun Fact: Ok, get a load of this one. On IMDB, Alex Rocco is credited as the voice of "Bea Arthur" on an episode of Family Guy from 2001. Season 3, Episode 15 "Ready, Willing and Disabled." 

Fashion Report: JC Penney did the girls proud this week. But, I have to give it up to Ms. Bea because she's in one of her trademark "Dorothy Has A Date" pantsuits. 

Shrimp, Short Ribs and Famed Psychic Jeane Dixon! (S.1 E.13)

S.1 Ep.13

A Little Romance

Written By: Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan

Directed By: Terry Hughes

Aired: 12/14/85

Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve done a recap. I’ve been away doing very important charity work. Collecting and distributing shoulder pads to needy, sexy people from 1986. They’re all set now. And over here we have a classic episode. So, let’s jump back in!

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry

Sophia is singing. She’s singing whilst packing for a week long trip to visit her son, Phil and his wife, Brenda Vaccaro, The Welder. Easy packing job. Apparently all she needs is a silk nightgown and clam sauce.

Should be a humdinger of a trip. Sophia’s grandson has graduated school. Animal grooming school. He’s officially authorized to put that little poof on the end of a poodle’s tail. Mazel. 

We continue to set up our story lines of the day in the living room. Blanche regales with tales of meeting men in a whole new way. By being the volunteer subject for a CPR class. It was a six hour class wherein we assume that she was the only female. Or, if she wasn’t, she wasn’t complaining. And then our dear Rose comes in wearing a genuine silk dress. She has a hot date tonight with a psychiatrist from the grief center. Dr. Jonathan Newman. (And just to keep organized, we’re going to stick with the Bea Arthur Standard Liquid U pronunciation on that name across the board.) Now, the girls, of course are highly intrigued by Rose’s date. One, because Rose is seeing a psychiatrist - enough said. Solid jokes there. And two, because he’s a man, a doctor and she’s been out with him five times. So, naturally they want to meet him. AND his eligible doctor friends. But, Rose is… hesitant… she does not seem anxious to introduce him to the girls. But, you know who is anxious? Sophia. She wants to get to the airport. She’s leaking clam sauce. So, off they go. 

As night falls on Richmond St. several things have disappeared. The sun, Rose’s sense of humor, and, her lips. She is angry. The girls are setting the table on the lanai as they try to calm Rose down. See, what happened was, Blanche did what Blanche tends to do. Just barreled on ahead despite Rose’s wishes and invited Dr. Newman over for dinner. And Rose is so upset her lips might not reappear till morning. She reminds the girls that he is a very special person and that she does not want them upsetting him. Dorothy, as relaxed as anyone would be in a blouse this big, assures her nothing can possibly go wrong! 

Well, famous last words, right? 

Blanche, of course, also sees no danger ahead. After all, Dr. Newman analyzed her dream over the phone. You know the one: 

Blanche: That recurring dream I have where I’m running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty body builder chases me?* He said he thinks it’s sexual. 

Dorothy: He thinks? For God’s sake Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream. 

*Note: This is in my top ten of Rue line readings of all time. “sweatybodybuilderchasesmaaay?” - Perfection. 

The doorbell rings and we finally get our big reveal. Dr. Jonathan Newman is a little person. And as they have with anything else unexpected that pops into their lives, the girls handle this information with as much grace and aplomb as you would expect. Blanche slams the door in his face assuming he’s one of the Donaldson boys. Dorothy offers to take his height instead of his hat. And then Blanche returns for one more round of complete humiliation as she makes the assumption that Rose hired Jonathan to pretend to be her date just to mess with her. At this rate we might not see Rose’s lips again until next season. 

Well, Dorothy takes Blanche aside in the kitchen to give her a little pep talk to get her through the rest of the evening. Now, granted, Dorothy didn’t handle things all that well either, but, she’s a notch above Blanche. So, she reminds Blanche that the doctor is a guest in their home - which, of course, brings out Blanche’s cotillion training. She’s ready to be the perfect hostess, to bring in the hors d’oeuvres, to offer the man shrimp, hear herself say it and run right back into the kitchen. Oh well, so much for that. 

Jonathan seems to be handling all of this quite well. He’s enjoying the nervous energy in the house for sure. And you know what we all enjoy? The longest pause in the world. The longest pause ever taken by an actor, ever, ever, ever. 

Dorothy: Why don’t we just start dinner?

Dr. Newman: Oh good, what are we having?

(LONGEST PAUSE IN THE WORLD EVER TAKEN BY AN ACTOR EVER, EVER, EVER.)

Dorothy: … Short ribs. 

That’s a scene button if I’ve ever heard one. 

As an even later part of the night falls on Richmond Street, things are decidedly looking up. Dinner is finished, and everyone has gotten to know what a special person Jonathan is. He’s knowledgable, he’s a world traveler, he apparently would love to know what it’s like to be the center on the Boston Celtics. He’s a class act. And perfectly fine with his height. Well, it looks like everything is under control. 

CUE SOPHIA. 

She’s back early from her trip. Turns out her grandson wasn’t dedicated enough to his studies to perfect the poodle poof, so, no graduation ceremony to attend. 

Now, the moment Sophia comes eye to eye with Jonathan is one of those beautiful moments. Nothing needs to be said. Every person in that studio audience (and you folks at home) is thinking the exact same thing - “Oh crap. What is she gonna say…” It’s delicious. 

But, surprise surprise, our worldly and wise Sophia handles the moment beautifully. Her main concern is that she’s seeing what she thinks she’s seeing and didn’t have another stroke. All clear, girl. 

Well, the evening is over, but not before Jonathan asks Rose to meet with him again and talk about something important. Her suspicion? He’s going to propose…. Cue dishes crashing, stunned women, and a commercial break. 

Ok, the evening is not over. We continue into the kitchen to discuss the bombshell Rose just dropped. And, to clean up the broken dishes. Rose really does love Jonathan, but, she’s self conscious about his height. It’s a tough issue. And tough issues are something Blanche Devereaux knows about. We now get a parable about Blanche’s high school boyfriend, Benjamin. Their relationship was frowned upon by the bigots of her small town. Would she brave the public outcry and let Benjamin take her to the senior prom? Did she have the courage? Yes, she did. What a powerful story. Oh, and by the way, Benjamin wasn’t African American. He was from New Jersey. She went to her senior prom with a Yankee!!! Powerful. 

Well, now it’s time folks. Time to move into one of the best dream sequences in the history of television. Rose decides she needs to sleep on things in order to figure out what to do. She “awakens” to herself in a wedding gown and Dorothy and Blanche not overacting in any way at all. It’s her wedding day to Jonathan. And Sophia literally comes out of a closet dressed like Father Guido Sarducci.  

And from that same closet comes Billy Barty! Playing Rose’s dead daddy. Back from the beyond in little person form to teach Rose that she needs follow her heart. True love is about what’s on the inside. Similar point are made by both Dorothy and Blanche whilst doing their best Billie Burke as Glinda impressions. Yes, Rose needs to make this decision alone. Since no one can predict the future. EXCEPT - for Famed Psychic Jeane Dixon! Who happens to be one of the wedding guests! Well, unfortunately, she has no clear vision for our couples future. But, she does seem fairly certain that Brooke Shields and Lady Di are going to star in a musical comedy together. 

Jonathan comes out of the bathroom in a dapper looking tux, and Rose decides to go for it. She wakes up from her dream clutching her pillow and feeling more confident about the future. The girls are proud of their Lil' Rose. 

Sophia: What’s going on?

Blanche: Rose has decided to keep on seeing Jonathan. 

Sophia: Fine. We’re all adults here. Let the man outta the pillow case. We don’t mind if he sleeps over. 

Damn, that’s funny. 

We now head to a lovely restaurant for the moment of truth. The important conversation between Rose and Dr. Jonathan Newman. (Are you still saying the liquid U? I hope so.) Well, this is very serious. Jonathan cares for Rose very much, but acknowledges that there is a problem that they simply cannot overlook. Rose agrees. But, she’s come to terms with his height and she’s ok with it, she assures him. No. No. Psych, no. That’s not it. Jonathan is dumping Rose because she’s not Jewish. Surprised?? So was Rose. And the information goes over about as well as a burned brisket. Rose makes a spectacle of herself. She’s upset - well wouldn’t you be??? But, after a tense moment, our two possible paramours turn back into simple friends. And we’re able to happily wrap up this episode right around where we started it. 

Waiter: How was the shrimp?

Rose: Unfortunately, I’ll never know… you see he’s Jewish and we can’t see each other anymore. 

Music and credits. 

I mean, no wonder this episode won them an Emmy. 

Guest Stars:
Brent Collins - Dr. Jonathan Newman
Billy Barty - Edgar Lindstrom

Jeane Dixon - Herself

Fun Fact: I could write an entire separate blog post on fun facts about this episode strictly based on the guest actors involved. But, let’s try to narrow it down to my favorites:

1)  This episode won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan.

2)  “Psychic” Jeane Dixon - According to the internet, her last words were “I knew this would happen.” 

3)   Billy Barty - what a career! 197 IMDB credits ranging from 1927-2001. Starting off in vaudeville, then, shorts where he played Mickey Rooney’s younger brother. Then, working in films with Joan Blondell, Ginger Rogers, Kirk Douglas and James Cagney to name a few. Guest roles in the 70’s/80’s classics, Little House on the Prairie, Love Boat and Fantasy Island. And, he guest starred on an episode of Trapper John, MD - which also starred our beloved Stan - Herb Edelman. 

Fashion Report: Well, who wouldn’t be a fan of Dorothy’s enormous shirt, or Blanche’s smart pant suit? But, for this episode I’ve got to give the prize to  - Famed Psychic Jeane Dixon! She is 100% committed to this look. From the hat, to the hair swoop around the hat, to the scarf/cape thingy, to the fabulous wide belt. It’s a total winner.

And, if you've made it this far - thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. And, I hope to be back with another installment soon!