Go Dorothy, Go! (S.1 E.18)

S.1 Ep.18

The Operation

Written By: Winifred Hervey

Directed By: Terry Hughes

Aired: 2/8/86

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. I'M SO EXCITED! No, I did not have another Maple Syrup Honey Brown Sugar Molasses Rice Krispies Log. Although I would. I'M SO EXCITED because there is TAP DANCING in this episode! Our girls are flap ball changing their way across the greater Miami area and I could not be more excited about it!

Where to begin? With Rose's 6 Count Cincinnati Riff with a Double Pull back? Maybe... 

With all the leg warmers? Perhaps...

I mean, it really doesn't matter. There's no losing this week. Although, the girls might lose out on the thrill of performing in their recital if Dorothy doesn't recover! Ya see, Dorothy and her leg warmers could barely walk through the door as they came home from tap class tonight. The problem? Well, according to Dot it's no big deal. Just a little pain that comes and goes. She thinks the bigger story is that Sophia is knitting a bottle cover for her sherry that she takes to the park for her Cloud Society meetings. 

Sophia: We stake out a bench, knock a few sherrys back, and discuss what we think the clouds look like. One afternoon I thought I saw Pat Sajak riding side saddle on a dolphin. 

Well, yes, that definitely seems like an interesting avenue to head down, but, my guess is that Dorothy and her 'no big deal' problem are going to play the starring role this week. 

The girls move to the kitchen to eat salad from an enormous bowl and listen to Rose talk about an over pet cat and a dead horse. You know, dinner conversation. Dorothy tries to prove that her foot problem is a non-issue by attempting a Cincinnati time step herself. She gets as far as a full out clap with a "And a 1 - " before she immediately collapses into the cucumber slices. Yes, yes, she's going to have to have this all checked out by a doctor. Again. She had it checked out once before - in 1965. But, perhaps it might be time for a followup appointment. Then Blanche insults Dorothy's dancing, Dorothy makes like she's gonna stab Blanche with a fork, and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Maybe that's because it's Too Darn Hot! YES. We have arrived. Rose and Blanche have pulled up their tights, put on the Cole Porter and tapped right into my heart. 

First off it is vital to note that these chicks got gams! They look fantastic. And no, not - fantastic for their age - they just look fantastic. Secondly, it's vital to note that this is one of my all time favorite moments in all of Golden Girls Land. This scene. The girls are going through their routine for the recital, sans Dorothy. They get to her solo where Rose gives us a line I quote much more than I probably ever should:

Rose: Go Dorothy, go!

And as it goes on... and on... Blanche notes:

Blanche: Gosh, I didn't realize how long Dorothy's solo is. I sure hope that doctor says she's gonna be alright. 

God, this kills me. I mean, to put it in perspective, Rose and Blanche each get 2 counts of 8 for their solos. Dorothy gets 8 counts. EIGHT. EIGHT FULL COUNTS OF EIGHT. And yes, I did go back and count to make sure I was right. And, no, I don't have anything better to do with my time. Sometimes I dream at night - what would a tap solo by Dorothy Zbornak look like? A long tap solo. Could the reality ever fulfill my fantasies? If only, if only, if only... Maybe this is why I've had trouble sleeping lately. 

Anyway, I just want to thank everyone that had anything to do with this scene happening. 

And here's our star now - Gene Kelly Dorothy is back from the doctor with a cane and a diagnosis. Morton's Neuroma. Sounds a bit like a combo steak house/anxiety attack. But, in actuality, it's a thickening of the tissue surrounding nerves in your foot, which causes sharp pains. The good thing is that it can be completely cured with minor surgery that just requires one night in the hospital. The bad news is, Dorothy hates hospitals, doctors, blood, death, and the nighties that don't close in the back. So, she is NOT going to get it taken care of. Wait, wait, she IS going to get it taken care of. Guilt is a powerful motivator. And if there's one thing Sophia Petrillo is good at (besides intricate cloud imagery) it's laying on the guilt. Which she does. Listing all the degrees of pain she'll feel if Dorothy doesn't take care of herself. We get the idea this is not the first time Dorothy has heard this speech. But, it works. So, mission accomplished. 

Dorothy has been admitted into a perfectly loooovely room that some people have probably died in. She's nervous. But, Sophia's motherly instincts kick in and she regales them all with a story of Sicilian surgery which involves people paying extra to be smothered by pillows, or something. I think. I rewound it twice but can't really concentrate on anything but picturing my fantasy Zbornak tap tour de force.  

Visiting hours are over, so, the ladies leave. Dorothy attempts to join them, but, is captured and forcibly restrained. I mean, not really. She just gets back in the bed. But the ladies are out and the doctor is in. Not the doctor Dorothy is expecting though. Her expected doctor is unfortunately unable to attend the surgery due to a court hearing on a malpractice suit. So, we get UNexpected doctor who fully admits to being not nearly as good a doctor as the malpractice guy. None of this is bringing any comfort to our poor Gregory Hines Dot. Her last straw comes when a priest comes in and begins administering the last rites. Believing, of course, that Dorothy was a Mr. Ferguson. She is obviously not. I mean, would a Mr. Ferguson wear a full face of make up and pink silk pajamas? Well, wait a minute... it is Miami... 

Dorothy makes a break for it and ends up at The House of the Rising Palm Trees. 

Yes, Rose, it is Dorothy - not a "Big, ugly man with a limp wearing Dorothy's coat" - as you would naturally assume. It's Donald O'Connor Dorothy in the flesh. The girls, once again, do their best to convince Dorothy that her operation is no big whoop and she's going to be fine. Blanche tried to comfort her by sharing her own phobia - flying. Rose tries to comfort her by telling her horror stories from the summer she was a candy striper... nice effort, Rose. But, nothing is working. And Dorothy makes is very clear that no one and nothing is going to make her go back. CUE SOPHIA. There she is. And now we get to the root of Dorothy's phobia. When she was 5, she had her tonsils removed. Well, her father Sal couldn't stay at the hospital because he had to work in order to pay for the operation. And, Sophia couldn't stay at the hospital because she had to attend the funeral of Uncle "23 stab wounds at a block party and nobody saw a thing" Mario. So, little Dottie was left all alone and traumatized by it for years to come. The tale of woe does not in any way slow Sophia down. She declares she'll perform the surgery herself, just to show Dorothy how ridiculous she's being. And, with that, Sophia wins again. Fred Astaire Dorothy takes her top hat cane and gimps back to the hospital. 

Dorothy is wheeled into a new room with a new sunny outlook. Not really. She's being a total crank. But, then she meets Bonnie! Now, Bonnie has a sunny outlook. She has a braid in her hair and is going to let nothing get her down. She's having surgery too. Her second mastectomy. Yup, second. Bonnie's been through a lot. She very simply and directly gives Dorothy the low down on what she's faced, and we see immediately that Dorothy is having a moment. It has finally clicked that her problems could be much, much worse than they are. And now she feels a little silly for being so dramatic up till now. 

Bonnie: Dorothy, are you alright? How do you feel? 

Dorothy: Like a fool. Like a damn fool. 

Yas, gurl. Yas. 

Meanwhile, back at headquarters - Rose and Blanche clearly didn't want to have to make too many costume changes. So, they are buttoned and scarfed up to their chins to hide their big finale costumes. 

It's the night of the recital. And there's a bigger issue than the fact that Ann Miller Dorothy isn't going to be in their number. Blanche is scared! Yes, flying is not her only phobia. She can't perform... in front of groups. (side eye) You see, when she was in dance class as a child she had to perform in a recital. It didn't go well. SO not well that it's damn near poetic. 

Blanche: 12 little girls started to dance. 

                1 little girl wet her pants. 

                 That girl in the puddle was me!

Blanche, not wanting a repeat of that experience, pleads with Rose to let her stay home. Rose, sweet little Rose, grits her teeth, bares her fangs and tells Blanche to suck it up. She is hard core show biz and I love it. 

Sophia sleeps soundly waiting for Dorothy to wake up from surgery. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, DOROTHY??? Your 85(ish) year old mother has sat in the same chair for 8 hours waiting for you to wake up just to help you over your biiiiiig trauma. And Bonnie seems to be doing ok too. She's not there, because Sophia sent her on a cafeteria run. But, I'm assuming if she felt up to that, then she's in good enough shape to handle her upcoming surgery. Good luck, Bonnie!

Buttoned and scarfed Rose and Blanche come to visit Dorothy. Who, btw, is totally fine. She's a little groggy and has some mild discomfort. All that drama for that. She'll be back in dancing shape before ya know it. But, it might not matter. You see, the recital went well. Really well. So well that the girls have been asked to take their act on the road. To a cotillion of all places! But, since Bill 'Bojangles' Robinson Dorothy was busy fixing her steak house anxiety condition, the girls had to make some changes to the act. They used to be the Tip Tap Trio (a name I'll use for something since it's not taken anymore), but, are now - The Two Merry Widows! Dorothy has been axed! And, with that, they whip off their coats, turn on a mid tempo version of Tea for Two, and dance, dance, dance! Blanche and Rose dancing as a pissed off Dorothy glares at them is really the PERFECT way to end this episode. Any episode. Any episode of any show. 

Guest Stars: Robert Picardo - Dr. Revell

                       Anne Haney - Bonnie

                       Bill Quinn - The Priest 

Fun Facts: This episode is loaded with character actors who put their stamp on TV history. Robert Picardo has one of the longest lists of credits I've seen on IMBD - 219! That's more than Billy Barty, and this guy is still working! He's one of those character actors that you might not know the name, but you've definitely seem him in stuff. Lots of stuff. Anne Haney - you know her the minute you hear her voice. She's got one of those voices that's just memorable. She's one of those actors that always fit right into tv shows. AND, she made a guest appearance on Golden Palace. (All hail The Golden Palace) And, last but not least, Bill Quinn. One of my favorite character actors that always seemed to pop up on the best shows on TV. The Odd Couple, The Bob Newhart Show, and several appearances as Mary's dad on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Just to name a few. In good company this week, for sure!

Fashion Report: I mean. Duh. Everything you need in life is right here.

Of Mice and Loose Women (S.1 E.17)

S.1 Ep.17

Nice & Easy

Written By: Stuart Silverman

Directed By: Terry Hughes

Aired: 2/1/86

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. Genetics. How much of a role do they play in becoming a slut? No judgement! This is merely a scientific study. Sluts of the world - I salute you. You do you. Or anyone you want. You are woman. Go roar.

But, before we analyze the data, we must congratulate Sophia. 85 years old and she's still able to give herself a pedicure. Impressive. Hell, I use my squatty potty to help do mine now. I'm not optimistic about having the agility to continue till I'm 85. Better do more Debbie Reynolds Workouts to prepare myself.

Blanche would like the old woman to put her sandals back on and clear off the coffee table, because her niece, Lucy, will be arriving shortly. I know we're only in season one, but, did any other sitcom in history use the "visiting relative" storyline more than this show?? I'm not complaining, just realizing that the "Someone's a comin'" thing pops up quite a bit down in Miami. I like all these fun, quirky relatives that pop up out of nowhere, never to be seen again. I mean, I'm sure it's just as entertaining when my relatives from Yonkers stop by my place, but, I'm just too close to see it. 

Lucy is coming to interview at schools in the area. Blanche is hoping things will go well and then Lucy will transfer to a local college and be around more often. 

Dorothy has found the Rat King! Well, maybe not the Rat King, but, she has seen vermin in the kitchen. You'd think - being born and raised in Brooklyn - this wouldn't freak her out so much. I mean, my mom was born and raised in NYC and she said they used to just hit the rats with a broomstick, and then while they were dazed, throw them out the window. Brutal. My mother was brutal as a child. But, Dorothy does have her vulnerable side. And, vermin is where it's at. Rose quickly reassures us though, that it's not a rat. It's a cute little mouse, possibly from a Disney cartoon, that may or may not know how to both sew, and bake pies. Just like Larry the mouse. Rose's childhood pet (naturally) who prevented her from going over a bridge that was about to be washed out. Good Ole Larry. 

Just in the nick of time (as it always seems to come) we get the doorbell, which signifies the arrival of Lucy, shoulder pads and triangle hair. 

None of them will be staying long though. In the grand Hollingsworth/Devereaux Tradition, Lucy has met herself a handsome doctor on the plane. She gets a special dispensation from Blanche to run right back out of the house and go meet him. And now we fully understand why Blanche and Lucy get along so well. Yup -  we have a "takes one to know one" situation going on here. The family bond is strong. Like, Sister Sledge strong. After Lucy leaves, Blanche lounges in her stirrup pants and laments finding a handsome doctor of her own. Dorothy strokes her gently and tells her, essentially, that she's all dried up. And Scene. 

Day Two of Slut Watch - Does It Take A Village? Or Is One Pre-Destined to Slutdom? We'll see, but, for now - RAT KING WATCH. Dorothy saw him again, has had it and is going to call the exterminator. Rose talks her out of it, by claiming that she will talk to the mouse personally. Sounds like a good plan to me! Ok, back to the main event. Lucy did not come home last night! Blanche is beside herself with worry. Dorothy and Rose are surprisingly calm. I mean, she's a college student who's been in town for one day and didn't make it home? I'm with Blanche. Time to panic. Nope. Never mind. Here comes our angular looking niece now. Ya see, the doctor took her for a midnight cruise on his boat (seems safe), and she stayed with him allllllllllll night. And now, poof, she's off again. Gotta change and go to her college interview. What do the girls think of this? Well, opinions in the room vary. Blanche is stunned. But, only because Lucy has hooked a doctor but still wants to finish college. Rose thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone on the first date. Dorothy doesn't believe in being judgmental about it. (Good for you, Dot). And Sophia thinks it's a sin, but, she's not too upset about it. She's basically cool with whatever the Vatican tells her to do. 

Enough time has passed for Dorothy and Sophia to be in the middle of a fierce game of checkers, and for Lucy to have met another man. 

Yes, the worlds friendliest tourist is now head over heels for the man who interviewed her this afternoon, Michael. And is planning to fly off with him for two days to the Bahamas. I swear, how this girl didn't end up on a Dateline special is beyond me! She gives Blanche a bit of a half truth about the trip (not mentioning that this is not the doctor from the night before), so Blanche gives her the go ahead and she's off! Dorothy and Sophia fill Blanche in on the real deal. Sophia couches it as gently and kindly as she can.

Sophia: Girl's a slut. 

Dorothy: That's not what I meant... exactly...

But yeah... she's gone away with two men... in two days... yikes. Blanche is afraid to confront Lucy about her behavior. She doesn't want to break the bond they've always had. But, I mean, who better to do it??? I know we find out years later (spoiler alert) that Rose is the true slut of the group, but, with everything we know at this particular moment - For goodness sake Blanche, talk to her! Nope. It'll have to wait till Lucy gets back from Sandals Nassau. 

Day Three of Slut Watch and Probably Many Daiquiris Later -  Lucy returns with new energy, bigger shoulder pads, and, a new man! Ladies and gentlemen, if you check your scorecards, you'll see that this is Mr. Ed Collins, Miami Vice. Actual Miami Vice, not the haven for great actors and 80's rock stars TV version. Although you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference since Ed has clearly modeled his look after Crockett and/or Tubbs. 

Turns out that Lucy met Ed at the airport as she returned from "riding dolphins" in the Bahamas. (My own euphemism there). Ed actually arrested Michael for drug possession! Well, if that isn't a story to tell your grandkids someday - Romantic! Blanche (looking fabulous as always in her lingerie - (see below) - is just not having it anymore with this one. Lucy explains that she's just popping by to pick up some things (hopefully birth control and disinfectant) and then she's leaving with Ed. Blanche puts her foot down and grounds Lucy for the remainder of her stay. Lucy is just as stubborn and rebellious as a young (or old) Blanche Devereaux and she storms out anyway. 

Finally we get Rose, Dorothy and Blanche together again. I was starting to worry about Rose. It'd been so long since we'd seen her this episode. The girls are discussing the Lucy situation. Which naturally leads to them reminiscing about their own moments of young rebellion. Rose tells a really long story that involves stealing a car, sitting outside a bar, a reverend skinny dipping and the  Nylund's changing religions. That's kind of all you need to know there. And then Blanche lets us in on some more of the fascinating exploits of her youth. One of which included her dancing as a rockette under an assumed name. And, unlike last week, where Blanche was in no mood for her sisters, this week she actually credits her big sister Charmaine with helping her through this period of her life. So, under the advisement of Dorothy, Blanche decides to go slut hunting and find Lucy and be a big sister to her. The other girls volunteer to come along also. But, before they leave Dorothy sees the mouse again and screams as if she's, well, as if she's just seen a mouse that she's really afraid of. Rose explains that she tried reasoning with the mouse, but the guy just didn't understand why he had to leave. Totally get it. It's a nice house. Plenty of food. Comfy furniture. I wouldn't want to leave either. 

Ok, Ed's place. Ed's place. What to say about Ed's place. 

Well... it seems to have maybe inflatable palm trees, and a stuffed sheep? I mean, as we know, it's no Over Our Heads, but, what could be? Besides, this isn't a store This is his home. So, although they both share palm trees, only a home would have a stuffed sheep... ?

So, Ed is at Ed's place with Lucy and they're discussing Miami Vice, of course. There's a knock at the door and it's the Charlie's Angels of 1986 Miami. Blanche takes a mortified Lucy into the bedroom to speak with her privately. Rose and Dorothy stay in the living room with Ed. Rose gently strokes the sheep as she and Ed discuss their mutual affinity for Miami Vice. Turns out Rose is a fangirl. She knows every bit of trivia down to the Noogman. 

With our girl Lucy it seems to be very much a tale as old as time. Or, at least a tale as old as Oklahoma. Lucy's logic is the same as Ado Annie's logic. The boys never used to pay attention to her. But, then once she shot up and filled out - all of a sudden, she was popular. And now, well, you all know the song - she's just a girl who can't say no. She likes being liked. Just like her Aunt Blanche. But, Aunt Blanche (or our Aunt Eller in the Oklahoma parallel) explains that you have to like yourself first. Respect yourself. And, only be with a man if you like them. Not because you want them to like you. This speech, honestly, is something that should be shown in every middle school on the planet!!!! It would've saved me so much grief over the years if I'd only had that mindset!!! It's excellent and well done and perfect and I love it. Since it's the perfect speech, it obviously gets through to Lucy. So, she decides to head home.

Mouse Watch Day Four. There's our friend, scurrying across the kitchen floor. And, you know what? I get it. It kind of freaks me out and I'm only watching it on a screen. In real life this scenario (which I've seen with my own eyes) has freaked me out  just about as much as it's freaked out Dorothy. So, I get it. Dorothy, armed with a broom and a fierce look of determination, enters ready to swat to kill. Only problem is, she's an ole softie. She just can't kill the little guy. So, she makes a heartfelt plea for him to leave the way he came - under the sink. And he does. And Rose is just in time to witness this miracle. She proudly tells Dorothy that she "has the gift." She too can communicate in a Dr. Doolittle way. Dorothy does an amaaaaaaaazing dance with the broom like she's Cinderella after a few drinks. I wish I had a GIF of it. But, I don't, and it's late at night. So, just watch the episode, or, create your own version using your imagination. 

At long last we get to send Lucy off to her new life with closed legs and a plate of food. Our episode finishes up with Blanche teasing that all her talk about the many men she's been with is exaggerated. Or is it.... Sounds like a cue for ominous music, but, instead Blanche gives us a wink, a smile and then we get a freeze frame and ending credits. 

So, what do the results of our data analysis conclude? Are sluts born or bred? I have no idea. All I really know now, is that I want an inflatable palm tree. Bad!

Guest Stars: Hallie Todd - Lucy

                      Ken Stovitz - Ed

Fun Facts: This episode has the distinction of being the first of several GG eps that make reference to one of the other top shows of the time period - Miami Vice. At least I think it's the first time. If it's not the first, it's certainly the most since there's a whole scene surrounding it. If you look at all the people who made appearances on Miami Vice over the years, it could almost be considered a serious, next generation Love Boat. I mean, what other series can lay claim to having El Debarge, Liam Neeson, Harvey Fierstein and G. Gordon Liddy???

Fashion Report: I enjoyed the unabashed 80's style of Lucy with the enormous shiny blouses and shoulder pads. But, this week, my favorite outfit definitely belongs to Blanche. She wears it to the Miami Vice Intervention scene. A sweat suit, and heels. A sweat suit... and heels. And pulls it off with such confidence it makes me want to try it tomorrow. Blanche Devereaux. Goddess.