That Was Then... This Is Now

Remember your childhood? Good times, right? The awkwardness? The frustration of figuring out who you were and what your place was in this crazy mixed up world? The questionable fashion choices? It might just all be a blur at this point. But, if you're like me (lucky you), you remember certain choice things very specifically. Like, very specifically. Because those were the things that really floated your boat. They made you the unique individual you thought you were. A cool, cool person. Joe Cool. (In fact, I actually had a sweatshirt with Joe Cool on it. That is how Joe Cool I was!)

Looking back on those things really makes you think, doesn't it? Think things like, "What the hell was I thinking?" Well, I'd like to take a few moments today to make note of a few of my more questionable passions from childhood. Have I changed much? What stuck, and what didn't? Was I alone in these passions? In this great, vast universe, there had to be at least one other like minded chum, right? Hmmm....

I've decided to break them down into categories - so, here we go:

Personality: I always fancied myself a quirky one. And in some respects, today, I still do. I like to take trapeze class. I like some good old fashioned Bing Crosby type, 40's style banter. I like to make up songs about Armadillo Safety Week (does not exist) for my husband (not available on itunes). So yes, I've got a bit of the quirk in me. But, I think the difference between now and then (then being my formative early teen years) is that now I don't try quite as aggressively to be the 'wacky friend.' For instance,
Now: I do not force my friends to listen to my E.T. impressions (which were dead on, btw) or my re-enactments of the majority of Joe Piscopo's work on SNL.
Then: I did that.
Now: I do not do the full choreography for the "Love is a Battlefield" video behind the Pathmark.
Then: I did that.
Now: I do not ask my mother to get me for Christmas the "100% Crazy" gold charm from the Sears Wishbook catalog, because it is so totally obvious to anyone paying attention that I am totally caraaaaaaaaaazy! Like, completely wacky. The wackiest, looniest gal you're ever gonna meet, AREN'T I FUN?????
Then: I totally did that.

Now? I just like what I like, and if you think it's weird, well, then you're a big dumb dummy, Lamont because what I like is obviously totes awesome. Weird things make life interesting.

Fashion: Well, I'm sure we could all write a book about our fashion missteps from the past. Be they self inflicted, or parentally inflicted. We've all got 'em. Personally, I'd be happy if we could all dress like Rosalind Russell everyday, but, I know that is not to be. So, I have been a victim of the times in which I lived.
Then: I bought a turquoise shirt with the completely bedazzled face of a poodle on the front of it for a friend for her birthday. I liked it so much that I did not give it to her for her birthday and kept it for my own damn self. And wore the s*#! out of it.
Now: I say, "You're welcome, Friend From the Past. You, dear, have dodged a bullet."

*note - This was not the shirt, but, this is what came up when I googled "shirt with bedazzled poodle on front." You do you, Boo.

Then: Nightshirts that said "I Hate Mornings" on them with Garfield looking grumpy holding a cup of coffee.
Now: I hated mornings then. I hate mornings now. Garfield has a lot of wisdom. Those nightshirts were art. 
Then: Two words: Rainbow. Suspenders. Yes, I had them. Yes, I wore them. Yes, there are multiple pictures of me at family gatherings, like, special occasions - birthdays, holidays, whatnot - wearing them. They were perceived (by me and me only) as the perfect compliment to any ensemble. Wearing my tshirt with the disco ball iron on on it? Add the rainbow suspenders. Wearing my Smurf sweatshirt?? Add the rainbow suspenders! It's Thanksgiving?? Let's do a family portrait!  - Wait one second, let me just get on my rainbow suspenders!!! -  Just know that when you rock some sweet rainbow suspenders, you can't go wrong. You feel like a million bucks. And why shouldn't you???
Now: Confidence is sexy. Mork is not. It's a rock and a hard place with these things.

Entertainment: I believe I only need one entry here:
When not on the street corner with my neighbor yelling "Honk if you're horny!" to passing motorists (we hadn't a clue what we were saying) I could most certainly be found holed up in the house watching M*A*S*H. It was my favorite show, and still is one of my all time favorites. But, I took it to, as the kids say "a whole 'nother level" back in the day. I give you a masterpiece in "WTF was wrong with this girl?"
Then: I would wear my father's old dog tags. I had a huge crush on Alan Alda/Hawkeye Pierce. (Not exactly normal for a 12 year old of the time). I would record episodes of the show on audio cassettes (this was pre-VCR's) so I could listen to them on my walkman on the bus on the way to school. (approximately a 5 minute ride). And when my parents told me they would allow me to re-decorate my bedroom any way I wanted? I told them I wanted everything army green and in the middle of my carpet I wanted to paint a giant Red Cross to look just like the helicopter landing pad. (DENIED!)
Now: I still watch the show. But, I do not listen to audio cassettes of episodes in my car, hahaha. No, no no. Hahahaha. No way. I am not that big of a loser, hahaha.
I listen to audio cassettes of the Golden Girls.

Cuisine: This will be quick
Now: I do not want to eat mud pies.
Then: I totally did because they completely looked like delicious chocolate to me.
Now: I just get up in the middle of the night and go get myself some chocolate if I want it.
Then: I had sheets that were different patches of color. I would lie in bed at night and fantasize that by pushing the different squares of color, it would activate a magical machine that would make bowls of chocolate rise to the side of my bed.  Green square: fudge. Red Square: Brownie Mix - You get the idea. No, I'm not diabetic. No, I'm not sure why not.
Now: I am not fooled by a stick of beef jerky. Just because it's brown, that does not mean it's chocolate.
Then: That's a tough lesson to learn in the middle of a walk-a-thon.

Hobbies:
Our final category for the day. Remember when I mentioned re-doing my room in the style of a Korean War camp's helicopter landing pad? Well, since that idea didn't fly (not a premeditated pun, but, I'll go with it) I had to make another decision. So, I went with purple. Purple walls, purple carpet, purple bedspread, purple ceiling. Ya see, I was really into purple. (purple overalls) So into it, in fact, (purple Members Only jacket) that it became more than a color. It became... a hobby. HOW, you may ask, can a color be a hobby? Well, I'll tell you how. When you become a card carrying member of the I Heart Purple Club! This is what I would categorize as "A Thing That Actually Existed In The World For Real." You got a membership card. You got a magazine that featured all purple products. You got to connect with other losers kids that also hearted purple as much as you hearted purple. To show my loyalty publicly, I purchased the "I Heart Purple" shoelaces - which were purple and said "I Heart Purple" all over them - and, the matching barrettes. Worn together (with rainbow suspenders, natch) you were sure to be the toast talk of the town. It didn't matter to me though. I wasn't afraid to take a stand. I put my opinions out there for the world to see. Subtlety was not my friend.
So, to re-iterate:
Then: Painting the town purple with every brush I could find.
Now: Realizing that just a pop of color can be oh so powerful. (Thanks, HGTV!) Moderation can be a good thing. (unless we're talking about chocolate)

So, to sum up - I know that everyone changes and grows as they move through life. Some more than others. Some things stick (ewww) and some things don't. I don't have any grand conclusion to draw from this, other than to say that my childhood was pretty fun, And the things I loved, I reaaaaaally loved. Go big or go home, right? So, on that note, I'm going to go have some chocolate and hope that someone can finally get me a date with Alan Alda. (I'm waiting for ya, Hawkeye)

                                                   Live Ya' Life, Lamont!

Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Carnival Season!

Over the past two or three weeks, I've had the opportunity(?), pleasure(?), cross to bear(?) of attending several functions that seem to kind of define Summer  - at least in the tri-state suburban area. Carnivals, Festivals, Frolics - whatever you wanna call 'em - there they are. Every weekend. You know them when you see them. A major roadway is blocked off. There's no parking. Anywhere. And you see hordes of people all heading in the same direction. Then, looking ahead, you usually see lights, even more people, and one of those giant slides you go down on a potato sack.

There are several things that are synonymous with the standard carnival, festival, frolic. Now, know that all of these things are, theoretically, fun things! But they can tip over to the side of odd... strange... nauseating... it can go a lot of different directions. And once you add the crowds and the heat? Well, you've got yourself quite an evening.

I'd say You Know You've Found a Frolic when you see..... FRIED THINGS! ANY fried things. Many fried things. ALL fried things. There will usually be at least three locations that sell Zeppoles (fried dough with sugar), Funnel Cake (fried dough with sugar), Fried Oreos (Oreos in fried dough with sugar) & Fried Twinkies (Twinkies in fried dough with sugar). And on the menu at the last frolic I found, they had "Fried Candy Bars." Full on, full sized fried candy bars. The line stretched about 40 people back at that stand. I know this, because, naturally, I wanted one. I wanted a full on, full sized, fried candy bar so bad I could feel my arteries hardening as I walked by and smelled the grease. But, alas, I gave up on that dream once I saw the line and tried to convince myself that the ice cream I'd get instead would be just as satisfying. Because, I mean, you can't spend any amount of time at a Frolic without constantly distracting yourself with food, right? I mean, I can't. Ok, to be completely honest - I wanted a full on, full sized, fried candy bar with ice cream on top and hot fudge. I know they also have sausage and pepper stands and lots of other 'real' food (sorta), but, I need the sugar high. And, you know you'll be getting powdered sugar blown on you from every direction you walk anyway, so, why not just give in to it?? I am weak.

You Know You've Found A Frolic when you see - A SHOW MOBILE!

 Ahhh yes, that glorious box of entertainment known as the show mobile. Take your local DJ, Dance school, Band, Politician or Theater troupe, and put them into convenient box form! It's like a mobile home for entertainment. Like, if you put a bunch of them all together, you'd literally have a trailer park of trailer park entertainment. Now, some very talented people have performed in show mobiles. And they're compact and easy to set up, and, they ensure that the performers don't get electrocuted by their own instruments if there's a sun shower. So, that's all well and good. But, there is just something about being in that little metal shadowbox that just seems... off. Like you've been reduced to a miniature of yourself. Like you'll be brought into class on Monday as a craft project done in someones shoe box. Like that feeling you get when you pick up one of those tiny bottles of liquor from an airplane and pretend you're a giant? It's like that - only you're the tiny bottle of liquor.

Years ago I was at a Frolic type event where we were doing a stage version of Sleeping Beauty in a show mobile. Now, I was playing the Queen - which was, by far, the easiest role in the show. In this version, the Queen is onstage for about 5 minutes, then gets put under a spell, and then sleeps, onstage until about 5 minutes before bows. These performances were in the morning, so, this was perfect for me, as I'm not a morning person. The only challenge I had was waking up for my cue at the end of the show. And being in the show mobile was WAY more awesome than the time we performed it in a parking lot and I had to sleep on hot asphalt. That was touch and go. So, everything here was going great. The sun was shining, people were frolicking, I was sleeping - life was good. What we hadn't counted on was that directly across the field, there was ANOTHER show mobile set up. It was probably 100 feet away - facing right at us.  And just about half way through our show, just as our heroine was singing a tender and touching refrain about an enchanted fawn (I don't know) on came their act of the day. A German brass band. A 20 piece German brass band that proceeded to play Roll Out the Barrel on a loop until the end of our show. First and foremost, it startled the crap outta me! It was all I could do to not jump outta my royal robes and see what the hell was going on. But, all I could do in the moment was subtly crack my eyes open to get a glimpse. (Wouldn't want to ruin the theatrical illusion for the disinterested kids passing by our show on their way to the petting zoo.) After a while the music kind of became an interesting background score to our show - even more interesting when we were singing completely different songs. And hey, ya know what? When a big brass band is packed into a small metal box with only one exit for the sound - ya know what happens? Yes! That sound shoots RIGHT outta there and directly across the way. I'll admit that some of the subtleties of the acting were lost - you know... because of the yelling. Had to yell or you never would've been heard and then NO ONE would know why there was an enchanted fawn. (I still don't know). We finished the show - the four people watching clapped lamely and immediately moved on to the "Win A Goldfish" game.

Now, this brings me to my last must have. And, it's probably where things go off the rails a bit for me.

I try to comprehend the universe. I'm not so much of a philosophical person, but I try to have a basic understanding of the world and the things I come into contact with. But, there are some things that just put me at a complete standstill of understanding. I am frozen. I cannot compute what my senses are taking in. There is a void that I cannot cross over. A chasm. Darkness. Where is that point for me?
It is here:

The Rasta Banana.  
You Know You've Found A Frolic when you see... The Rasta Banana.
I'm simultaneously fascinated and confused by this confounding prize. Most people walk on by. But, I have to stop. I have to stop and think. How did this come to be? HOW DID THIS COME TO BE?! In what meeting did someone say:

"Look everyone, we really need to start thinking outside the box on these prizes. We're getting raked over the coals by the people with the mirrored Homer Simpson wall art!"

And, who (probably after a smoke or two) was bold enough to stand up and say, "I've got it!" And go on to describe this.

I mean, it is a banana. Usually a GIANT banana. With dreads. And a Rasta hat. This is not an idea that springs from a normal, non-tripping brain. There is just no way. I cannot believe that. These are not things that, once put together, totally make sense. Like, chocolate and peanut butter. No! These things make no sense when put together! Yet, there they are. And here I am. Unable to stop thinking about it.

Where do you put it in your house? Do you display it proudly in the living room and sit around as a family remembering back to the magical night when your powdered sugar covered mother's boyfriend dropped a $100 trying to get that damn ring around the bottle top to win it for you guys and just shut you all up? Do you put it in the garage and scare the crap out of yourself every time you turn the lights on? Where is the factory that makes them? Is that a scary place to work? I mean, picture hundreds, or even thousands of those bananas staring at you all day. Happy nightmares! What about the truck that delivers them? I want to see them all packed into a confined space together.

I come up with a backstory for the bananas too. Like, I picture them with a life, a community outside the carnivals. They're down in Nassau, chillin' at their houses in a hammock and having a few daiquiris as they listen to Bob Marley. Walkin' to the store real slow, to the beat of their jam. Just enjoyin' the good life, mon.

I know, I need to let it go. But, I don't think I can. Not while I'm still seeing them everywhere I turn. Still so many questions unanswered. I think I need to have one in my life just so I can stare at it and figure out WHY I'm so obsessed with them, on my own time. See if I can figure out what's really going on... inside. Late at night. After my husband is asleep. Just me. The Banana. (Don't be gross.) And my innermost thoughts. Oh, and also, I really want to put one in my passenger seat, strap him in, and drive in the HOV lane.

Happy Frolicking, everyone!!!

PARTY OF ONE?

Well, good evening, good morning, and good day!

Yes, it has certainly been a while. Please excuse my absence from the blogosphere. I know that all 6 of you who read these have been positively lost without me! Well, relax video rangers, I'm back.

The reason for my absence was an extended trip for work. It was a good trip with a few weeks down in Florida, and then several weeks in Europe. Not too bad, if I do say so. I got to make a little cash, see some new places, and eat as much Nutella as the law would allow. And as it turns out, the law doesn't really limit Nutella intake, so I was, essentially, running on a sugar high for most of June. But, I'm back in the land of the living again, and feeling groovy.

One of the awesome new places I was able to see on this trip was Copenhagen, Denmark. It was a lovely city, and I got to explore quite a bit of it. It's an easy place to check out on foot. And, I was able to indulge one of my little passions. Which is... Disney!! Disney in Copenhagen, you say? Sounds crazy, no? Well, no. Actually it's not. Now, if you know me - and who are we kidding, if you're reading this, you probably know me - you know that I do have a passion for Disney. I even went so far as to have a bit of a Disney theme at my wedding reception.

I should pause here for a moment to make an important distinction. My husband and I are both very big Disney fans, BUT, we are not those kinds of people. Who are those kinds of people? Well, we love the history, Walt, the parks, the classic movies - all the good stuff. But, it can be a fine line between appreciating all of that, and having the 7 Dwarfs as your bridesmaids. Amirite? We are not those kinds of people. Get it? Good.

Ok, so, back on the track. In Copenhagen, I went to go see the Little Mermaid statue. And I, along with a bus load of Asian tourists all did the requisite photo op were you sit beneath the statue and look out into the distance wondering where all of your dinglehoppers have gone. That was Disney stop off number one.

The second Disney stop off was Tivoli Gardens. If you're unfamiliar, it's a lovely amusement park that's been around for, well, about 150 years or so. It's been said that Walt Disney visited here and used it as a large part of his inspiration for creating Disneyland. So, if Walt's been there and checked it out, I thought I should too. And, it was a great day. I could definitely see the similarities in the styles of the parks in certain places.

So, while I'm in Disney land here (get it?) I thought I'd share a special moment of mine that I had a few years ago. I was down in Florida for work, probably sweating profusely (cause, duh, it's Florida) and I had a weekend free. So, I decided to make my way to Orlando and get in a quicky with the Magic Kingdom. I was there on a Friday night, and they had extra magic hours (who doesn't love even MORE magic??)(Me and My Magician© certainly do) so the park was open till 2am! Well, I am a fan of getting the most bang for my buck in this world, so, if the park is open till 2am, well, I'll be leaving when you push me out the gate at 2am on the button! So, I knew I was staying for the long haul. I was by myself, which, may sound odd, but, that's something I've actually really grown to enjoy. Being at a theme park alone can be a bit lonely at times, but, for the most part - it's awesome!! You don't have to care what anyone else wants! Wanna go on the Carousel of Progress 3 times in a row? (I do) - DO IT! Wanna eat nothing but churros all day long? (I did) - DO IT! Not to mention taking full advantage of the Single Rider lines, thereby saving valuable wait time. It's an excellent way to travel.

So, I was making my way around the park with accuracy and speed. Moving like a panther. A panther wearing mouse ears. It got to around 1:30am and I had done pretty much everything I wanted to do. But, was I leaving? In the words of the late, great, Whitney Houston - Hell To The No! So, I wandered over to Adventureland, and decided to spend some time in one of my favorite attractions. The Enchanted Tiki Room! The attraction with the best theme song the Sherman Brothers ever wrote. Now, if you're unfamiliar, the Tiki Room is a large room with bench seating on all four sides once you get inside. Seats about 200 people.The ceiling and walls are filled and covered with birds, flowers and all sorts of tropical whatnot that come to life and sing and dance for approximately 15 minutes. It's 'hosted' by Jose, a Spanish bird who along with his cohorts - a German bird (Fritz), an Irish bird (Michael), and a French Bird (Pierre) (yup, that's right) show you a rollicking good time all through the magic of Audio Animatronics.

The doors were open - "Awesome!" I thought - no waiting for the next show! I can go right in! As I approached, the girls working the attraction gave me a polite smile as I happily passed them by. The full grown adult, wearing mouse ears, alone, on a Friday night, at 1:30am - headed into the Tiki Room. Ya know, it seems kind of obvious now that I probably looked odd - but, I swear, at the time... maybe I was just on a churro high, who knows.

So, I went into the room and suddenly felt very strange. I looked around..... and.... I was...... alone. Completely. Alone. I was the only one in the entire damn Tiki Room. I took a seat. (anyone I wanted) And, I waited. "Surely someone else will come along before the show starts...right?" I sat, and sat. No one came. But, the show must go on. One of the girls who had politely smiled at me now came in and gave me some full on side eye, I'm sure assuming that at some point in my life, I had made an appearance on To Catch a Predator. (Note - I hate iced tea, so that would never happen) Or, at least thinking to herself - "LOSER!" But, she put on the Disney smile, and went about the opening speech as if the entire room were full of tourists, as opposed to the reality of it being just one complete numbnut sitting in the room by herself. On a Friday night. At 1:30 in the morning. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Walt Disney's Enchanted Tiki Room!" No smoking, or flash photography, no eating or drinking, please remain seated, and remember all your personal belongings when you leave, yada, yada, yada. She used the microphone. She came through loud and clear. After all, I wasn't saying anything, so, how could she not be heard??  She needed only to be slightly louder than the deafening silence. We smiled at eachother - neither one of us willing to acknowledge the worlds most awkward elephant in the room. Me.

She woke Jose from his nap - as is the standard start to the show, and out she went. Doors closed. And now... it was just me... alone. Me, the European Union of birds, and whatever security cameras they were watching me through. They had to be watching, right? I mean, I would be. I would be fascinated by me, if I were them. What had happened in my life to bring me to this dark place? Who was this sad, lonely person? In mouse ears. I mean, I get it. But, to be honest... once she was out the door - I was thrilled. I mean, this is a dream come true, right? Getting to have the park to yourself?? WHEN does that happen?? Pretty much never! I had this moment of realization that, I could do whatever the hell I wanted (while staying within the rules of the room, of course - I'm a good Catholic school girl). So I sang. I sang my little heart out. I sang that music so loud I'm sure they could hear me all the way over in Germany! (Not actual Germany, but, miniature Germany over in EPCOT). And I clapped. And I bounced in my seat. I seat danced like no one has ever seat danced before! And I smiled from mouse ear to mouse ear. It was positively glorious. My only regret was that it was over too soon. The show finished, the doors opened and I went on my merry way. Leaving only the mystery of my story behind. Back to Main Street. Then out the gates... to joyride on the monorail.

It was a perfect night.

JAPAN - Land of Confusion

There was a time in my life when I lived and worked in Japan.

It was the best of times - it was the worst of times. The best of times because my long held dream had finally come true. I was working for Disney. Amazing. I had auditioned, and auditioned, and auditioned for YEARS, and now was finally able to check this goal off my list. I was thrilled - to say the least.

It was the worst of times because I was not used to peeing in a hole in the ground, and having to clarify whether or not there were fish bits in, well... everything I ate. Everything.  NOT that I am dissing Japan. Far from it. How can you hate on a country that is so obsessed with Hello Kitty that they actually have an amusement park dedicated to her?  (Not kidding - San Rio Puroland) It was just, an adjustment.

So, let's talk about this time for a bit, shall we? We shall.

First off, let me mention my audition to get the job. I had flown down to Florida because years of auditioning in NYC had gotten me approximately 1,000 callbacks, and exactly Zero jobs. So, I figured I'd go directly to the source. You know you've auditioned too many times for a company when people in the office (whom you've never met before) see you and say, "Hey, love your new headshots!" You also know you've auditioned too many times when you say to those same office people, "So, do you guys just have a whole cabinet full of my audition tapes that you sit around and watch for fun while drinking margaritas?" And they say, "Well... not margaritas..." But, whatever. I was absolutely ecstatic when I got the job. I always say that I auditioned at noon, was hired by 3, and in EPCOT by 6, alone, crying to myself, "I'm gonna be a part of the magic" (happy sob, sob, sob).

Oh, and as a little sidenote - I called home to tell my parents about it. Know that calling my parents is always an adventure in lunacy. It usually involves one parent close to the phone, and the other yelling things to me, or at the other parent, in the background. Now for this next portion, you'll have to insert for yourself, a Long Island accent on my mother's portion of the conversation.
AJ: Sooooo, I'm done. I auditioned.
Kitty: And, what did they say?
AJ: They said - You're hired!
Kitty: WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: They said I'm hired. I'm going to Japan to be in a multimillion dollar show that has 50 people in it!
Kitty: BOB! SHE'S GOING TO JAPAN TO BE IN A 50 MILLION DOLLAR SHOW!!!!!!
Bob In Background: WHAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: No, Ma - not a 50 million dollar show!
Kitty: WHAT!?!
AJ: It's a multimillion dollar show with 50 people in it! Not a 50 million dollar show! It's not Waterworld!
Kitty: OH, oh... oh, Bob, nevermind, it's got 50 people in it. Well, that's wonderful.

So a few months later, off I went. I had done a little research beforehand. Mainly research on the park, how many times I could go to the park, and how many days off we got so I could spend all of them in the park. And I think I might've checked the weather.

Now, I had done some traveling in Asia before this, so, it was not my first experience there. But, this was my first time in Japan, and, Japan is certainly it's own special place. There's a lot to cover, so, it won't fit into just one blog, but, that's good. It's something we can revisit every now and again for kicks.

I mentioned above going to the bathroom, and eating. Well, let's start with one of those basics. The bathroom situation in Japan is truly a fascinating thing. Mainly because it runs the complete gamut from your wildest dreams come true, to your worst nightmare.

The Japanese have perfected the toilet in ways that you cannot fathom here in America.  They're working on a higher plane. To paraphrase Ilie Nastase about Bjorn Borg: We're building toilets - they're building something else. Ok, so, you see a Japanese toilet, and the first thing you will notice is that there is a whole Captain Kirk like control panel on one of the sides of the seat. Intrigued? You should be. It's a series of buttons and diagrams that you could spend hours playing with. In fact, if you're in Asia with someone for the first time, and they spend an unreasonable amount of time in the bathroom, it's not actually cause for alarm! They're probably just enjoying everything that toilet has to offer. (or possibly dealing with some unexpected fish they ate because who expects fish to be in cracker form????)

The buttons usually consist of several things - that I have titled, The Bidet, The Butt Washer, Temperature Control, Pressure, and on some extra special toilets, The Music Notes. Let me just say this right now if you haven't already figured it out - if you're ever in Japan and come across one of these toilets with all the buttons, ALWAYS PRESS ALL OF THE BUTTONS! Go to town. Get every bit of your moneys worth out of that trip. Life is too short. You never want to go to your grave thinking, "If only..."

The Bidet works like a normal bidet does, it's just included within the toilet. It'll give you a little 'under the hood' refresher right when ya need it. The brilliance though is that you can change the temperature of the water, the pressure of the water, AND the angle at which the water hits you! Completely customizable. Bam. The Butt Washer is very similar to the bidet, except for two things. First - it's nozzle is in a different place within the toilet, thereby hitting at different angles. And, second - the picture indicator for it is a subtle drawing of butt cheeks. So, it makes me giggle. But, again, completely customizable.  Temperature Control and Pressure work with both. Oh, and... the seats themselves are also heated. Have I mentioned that??? That is a stroke of brilliance that is insanely enjoyable. Especially for us ladies. Nothing's worse than a cold toilet seat in the middle of a winter night. Amirite?? And finally we come to - the music notes. What in the what? Right? Well, here again is the perfect combination of the brilliance and the weirdness that make up Japan. The Music Notes (usually a pair of 1/8 notes) are actually, a SOUND EFFECT OF A FLUSH! Yes. You press that button WHILE you're going in order to mask whatever sounds of funkiness you might be making WHILST you go! The Japanese, in some ways, are a very demure culture. So, no one would want to be humiliated by making some funky fish cracker sounds in a public place. And, if you got a problem, yo, they'll solve it. Hence - The Music Notes Button. Of course, what was funny to me was that it completely sounds like a canned sound effect of a flush, not an actual flush. So, the second you use it, everyone around you knows you're doing something funky in there. Your secret is out. But, I guess, on the whole, it's a more pleasant sound to have to listen to.

Sidenote - I spoke so highly of the Japanese toilets, that my parents actually purchased a heated toilet seat for their house. It is AMAZING! When I visit, I actually look forward to having a 'board meeting' or two (euphemism) up in there. 

And, now that you've gotten all the basics - here's an example of the classic Japanese toilet control panel -

(*Note the option on this one for the "Powerful Deodorizer." If this option is there, do mankind a solid, (Especially if YOU'RE doing a solid) and use it. Thank you.)

Remember when I said it was also, the worst of times? Well, here we go - That toilet sounds like da' bomb, right? Well, it is. But, since the Japanese are a bundle of contradictions, sometimes, things are not what you expect, or hope for them to be. I take you now to - the hole in the ground. Yes, sometimes, it's a luxurious temperature controlled bastion of paradise, and sometimes - it's literally - a hole in the ground. Most Westerners (myself included) hold that as one of their biggest fears when traveling through Asia. Having to desperately relieve yourself, and seeing just The Hole.

It can be terrifying. And, the first few times you try one, it can be side splittingly (not to mention pants wettingly) funny. That's how it was for me. I remember the first one I encountered was in a mall. I was left with no choice. I was shaky, and skeeved out, and got my business done, but, in that way that doesn't feel nearly as satisfying afterwards as it usually does.

Well, time passes and people bloom and grow. And, that's what happened to me. In my old age, I have now learned to embrace The Hole. Yes, folks, embrace it. It's like if you see a Justin Bieber fan on the street. Don't scowl and run the other way. Embrace it, knowing that there may be more to it than meets the eye. (probably not, that kid's a tool) REAL TALK - here's the thing with holes, or, squatters as they're also called. It's all in knowing the proper way to use them. Most people are so skeeved that they try to stay as high up and far away from the actual hole as possible. Now, all this does is tense up your thighs and make it nearly impossible for anything to flow as it should. Not to mention, messy. Here's what you must do. Listen, child - COMMIT TO THE SQUAT. That's right. Commit to the squat. Get all the way down there. Don't be scared. Once you squat fully you'll realize the brilliance of these 'toilets.'
1) Your body is now completely aligned to do what it needs to do with no interference.
2) You don't have to worry about putting down toilet paper, or, a seat cover, because you're not actually sitting on anything!
3) Excellent way to keep your legs limber without going to the gym.
4) The entire operation is completely sanitary!!! The flusher is usually a button on the floor that you tap with your foot. So, you can get in and get out without actually touching any part of the toilet!

I see nothing but positives here. THIS is why they have endured for thousands of years. Smarts. I now actually look forward to every toilet variation they can come up with. Including this one:

Ok, so, in case this all wasn't clear enough:

And, while we're being abundantly clear... it goes both ways...

ALL toilets can be used for good, if used properly.

Well, my my, this certainly has gone on, hasn't it? There's just so much to say. Well, we'll continue with Japan another time. For now though, I say - Come One, Come ALL to Japan! No matter what your preference, there's no better place to do your 'business.'

Stop sniffing the ditto paper and pay attention!!

I can be a pain in the ass.

I don't think this is news to anyone who knows me.

I mean, I try to be a nice, fun person, but, sometimes... just sometimes... I can be a bit of a pain in the ass.

It can come in different forms depending on the situation or the day. But one of my favorite reasons to be just a bit of a pain in the ass can be -  vocabulary. I have an issue with vocabulary. Actually, I have an issue with the rampant misuse of vocabulary in the world today.  I genuinely find it shocking how many, supposedly competent, successful people can misuse, mispronounce and misunderstand so many words in the English language. Sometimes it can be hilarious. Sometimes it can be irritating as all get out.

This is not to say that I'm perfect. I'm certainly not. And, I make my fair share of technical grammatical errors, I'm sure. But, I'm talking basics here. This is what grinds my gears today. Well, why waste time? Let's get into some examples:

1. Jewelry
This is a biggie for me. Huge. It should be pronounced exactly as it is spelled. But, how often are we forced to listen to someone say "jew-la-ree?" That drives me bonkers! I've also heard "jewry." I mean, maybe I'm watching too much Real Housewives, but, the mispronunciation of this word seems to be nationwide. So, make a note to yourself - fix this, and you will sound like less of a stooge out in the world.

2. Underwears
Now, maybe my problem here is being from Long Island. But, this one sounded wrong to me when I was 10, and it sounds wrong to me now. Leave off the last 'S' for savings. Please.

3. Itch vs. Scratch
Ok, here's a usage issue. You have an itch. You then scratch the itch. The itch then goes away. Simple. People who say something like, "I have to itch my leg" - those people should stay in their homes. Just stay there and don't go out. You sound like an idiot. You MEAN that you HAVE an itch and therefore need to SCRATCH that itch. If you itch an itch you have somehow managed to add to your initial problem. You are now twice as itchy. Best get someone who knows how to scratch.

4. Your/You're
    There/Their/They're 
    To/Too
Are we STILL on this one?? How the hell did you graduate grammar school? How do you manage to put on pants in the morning and go to work? How did you get a job? Do you own property? How did that happen?  Tell me you're secret too how you did that because your the smartest person they're ever was! (see? annoying, right?) THINK!

5. Conversate
This, again, might be an issue of too much Housewives (is there such a thing???) but, this one genuinely makes me laugh. Reason being - the people that use this bastardized non-existent form of the word 'converse' are actually trying extra hard to sound really smart and sophisticated. That extra effort is immediately null and void the moment it falls out of their mouth breathing mouths. Oh, and you can also include the extra verby form of it - conversatin' - in the same category.

There are a million of these floating around nowadays. And with the advent of the internet and texting the situation has only gotten worse. It makes me sad. It permeates writing, conversation, music, everything. I think Eugene O'Neill would be incensed. Cole Porter would probably roll his eyes, snort, and then go have another brandy. Dorothy Parker would make a brilliant remark and then go have a brandy with Cole and Eugene. I just get irritated. Then laugh and judge the person in my head.  Everyone needs a hobby I guess. What's yours?

Oh and, just as a sidebar,  another of my favorite moments of people trying extra hard to sound smart and therefore making themselves sound REALLY dumb? The Real Housewives of OC. I know, I know, easy target, but, this one was priceless. There was a big party (shock), and a fight broke out between two of the women (double shock) and Tamara (one of the partying fighting women) kept yelling that she had a "cyst and decease" letter from her lawyer. Cyst and decease. That's beautiful. 

I will now leave you with the word a friend of mine introduced to me this weekend. It's new. It's wrong. He was mocked mercilessly. And I, for one, am hoping it catches on.  - I hope the rest of your day is - superbulous.

 

And Now We Proudly Present...

Spring has sprung!

Here we are finally getting some nice warm weather - well, actually, we're getting some Donna Summer "Hot Stuff" kinda weather. It has jumped from freezing my arse off under my down comforter to sweatin' to the oldies doing nothing but walking to the fridge. Speaking of my fridge - it's just after noon, and I've already eaten pie...from the fridge... wrong? Meh... whatever.

Anyway, this kind of weather always gets me in the mood to go out and start hitting amusement parks. I do love them so. I'll pretty much to go any one, any where, any time.  In fact, my bachelorette party was at Six Flags Great Adventure. The bridal party was, largely, not amused by this choice. They would've all preferred spa treatments and Happy Hour. But, I was able to ride roller coasters all day, and take home a t-shirt with an airbrushed rainbow unicorn on it. So, I win.

Speaking of Six Flags - back in the day - long, long ago, I actually auditioned for... an amusement park... ummm, a different one ... Really! ... I won't mention the name...  But, at this point in my life, I thought it might be a fun time to live somewhere in the vicinity of exit 7A off the NJ Turnpike for the summer and be a part of some..."entertainment."(not naming any names, I love love love all amusement parks)

So, I hopped in my Toyota Celica and made the drive from Long Island to Jersey early one morning. Had to get there early to beat the crowds, right?? I was no show biz novice. So, I finally arrived, and made my way to the employee entrance. I remember being a little excited at getting to go into the park the back way. I could just see myself doing that every day for the whole summer! This could be the start of something great...

I finally found the entrance for the auditions. It was actually in the theater where they perform in the park. At the time, people were calling it the Big Stage. Wow... the Big Stage!!! It'll be just like Radio City Music Hall! (it wasn't)

I thought it was odd that it seemed kind of quiet as I rounded the corner to check in. "I'm sure everyone is probably just getting in the zone and concentrating" I thought to myself. Man, I couldn't wait to knock 'em dead. I came around the bend, and, it was deserted. As in, not one other person there. Nobody. Did I have the right day? Yes. Right place? Yes. Ok, then. Good for me. This is the dream, right? Going to an audition and no one else showing up?  So, I checked in and sat down to wait. (Wait for what? I was the only one there!) And then, someone else showed up. But, it was still all good, because he was a he, so, he'd be no competition for me! The friendly gent sat beside me and began chatting. Turns out he wasn't even a singer - he was a magician! I scoffed in my head! So, there we were - just Me and My Magician (possible sitcom to develop here?) waiting to knock 'em dead with our overwhelming fierceness!

I was up first. Oh, did I mention that we had to bring our own accompaniment? On cassette? Yes. So, I had a tape of myself playing I Got Rhythm to sing to. I knew it would be a hit because I had already gotten cast in a production of Fiddler on the Roof using the same song! (Note: The emotional depth of I Got Rhythm totally mirrors the emotional depth of the role of Tzeitel. Apparently. #smartactorchoices) So, I got up there on the big stage and socked 'em right between the eyes. Once they recovered, they asked me to stay for the movement call. Happy to! I was already picturing how I'd spend my breaks at the fried chicken place and getting old timey photos taken of myself.

I had a few minutes of downtime where My Magician (patent pending) complimented me on my performance and then said "Well, I mean, I guess we've kinda got this locked up. I mean, we're the only two people here!" The odds did seem in our favor...

I was then called back to the big stage to the dance call. Alone. On the big stage. Solo dance routine on the big stage with only the auditioners and My Magician in the house. This could be awkward. Well, who am I kidding? This WAS awkward. This is when the odds are NOT in my favor. I do not imagine myself to be a solo dancer. I mean, I can rock a box step with the best of 'em, and even throw in a little kick ball change where necessary, but, I like to be realistic. But, I'm a game girl, so, I got up on the big stage and did exactly what they asked me to do. Which was a series of patriotic marching, saluting and smiling set to the tune of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.

I REPEAT: A series of patriotic marching, saluting and smiling set to the tune of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. ALONE.

I'd like for you to take a moment and reeeeally get that image in your head...

 .....


Cool. So, I went for it. I marched the crap outta Leroy Brown. I saluted like it was the damn Star Spangled Banner! I was the baddest marcher in the whole damn town!  I finished. They said, 'thank you.' I had shown them everything I could. I came off the big stage, still ridin' high - gathered my things to prepare for a long, and satisfied drive home. I was almost, almost smug.  I bid  My Magician a fond farewell, and he said, "Well, I guess I'll see ya this summer!" "I hope so!" I said - fully confident that I would be there, and if the cruel blade of the biz would cut anyone,  it would be HE who would be turned out on the street with his rabbit and hat.

So, I drove. Back to the civilization I knew - one of diners and malls as far as the eye could see. And I waited. I waited for the inevitable phone call proclaiming me to be the find they had been searching for!

And I waited....

It. Never. Came.

(Cue Descending Slide Whistle here)

I never did go and see the show to see who was in it. Did they cast no one and just run the music and lights hoping that would be entertainment enough?? Did they cast the magician and make the rabbit do the marching?? I'll never know.

But, here I am. Many years later... still with the faint hope that someday, someday the people who cast that show (if they're still alive) will finally see the light and invite me to join them on the Big Stage.

I don't know what ever became of My Magician©, but every now and again, off in the distance, I hear the soft strains of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and I think of him, and smile... and throw him a salute.

The First of Many? Few? We'll See?

Ok, so, I know it's probably very 5 years ago to create a blog and think you're actually contributing something original to the universe. But, I've been feeling an urge lately to... express myself. And, since I lack the moves or pointy cone boobs of Madonna, I figured this might be a good way to do it. 

People have mentioned in the past (and by "people," I mean my mother) that I might have something to say that someone else might find amusing. And since my mother doesn't lie to me, EVER, I can only assume she is right about that. The same way she was right about Santa Claus existing. He does. Do not argue with me on that. 

So, hence, this blog experiment. 

I named the blog Walnut Groove because I enjoyed Little House on the Prairie as a kid. The TV show. Never read the books. Judge me all you want - strict TV kid, here. Loved the show. Although... seeing episodes now? I do find it a bit darker than I remember. Anyone else notice that?  If I have learned one thing from it though, it's this - if someone coughs on the prairie - even ONCE - they'll be dead before the hour is up. FACT. Do not get attached to anyone with a cough. Or a sympathetic animal. It will surely come down with the croup, or rabies, or some other old timey disease and get shot or something like that. But, it's still great. 

Oh, TV - you make me so happy. In fact, actually, one of my earliest memories is sitting in front of the black and white TV folding my bologna pieces into triangles while watching The Dinah Shore Show and The Don Ho Show back to back before Afternoon Kindergarten. I was probably one of the few 5 year olds who knew the words to "Tiny Bubbles."  

Where was I? Yes  - the name - I thought that the name Walnut Groove would be a really cool name for a band. Don't steal it. I still might use it for an all girl 80's cover band someday. (Seriously, don't steal it) But since I don't have the band yet, why not use it now?

Ya know, that Dinah/Don memory, I think, really sums up who I am at heart. All I really want out of life is to sleep in, have a little something to eat, and watch TV. I knew it when I was 5, I know it now.  I yam what I yam. 

Anyway, this will probably be a smattering of anecdotes, pet peeves, and general ponderings of life. A little train trip through the tracks of my mind which travel every which way but loose. Maybe we'll start fabulous discussions about things like The Don Ho Show! 

So, let me know what you think.  Unless you hate it. Then, don't be a jerk and tell me. Just don't read it. No one's forcing you, ya jerk.