Have a drink. Eat some pizza. (S.1 E.5)

S.1 E.5

The Triangle

Written by: Winifred Hervey

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 10/19/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Have you all seen the video of the guy riffing all over the theme song??? If you haven’t, well, here it is. It’s amazing and I want to hear this version every time I watch the show now.  

Golden Girls Gospel

This guy rocks. 

Oooooooooh, Sophia’s up to something. She’s scuttling out of the house to watch porn on the big screen. Chicanery right from the get go! Love it. But - foiled again, by Dorothy! Blast. Dorothy, wearing a top that looks like one of those fans you make in school or church or anywhere that it's hot and you're bored and have some type of paper, tells Sophia that she can’t leave because she has a doctor’s appointment and needs to keep it since she’s been under the weather. This is a new doctor (who will be one of the points of our triangle, I’m sure), since Sophia’s old doctor has died. Rose brings Sophia some soup, which is the same kind she used to make for her husband when he didn’t feel well. (No, Sophia, that’s not how he died. We all KNOW how Rose’s husband died. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Hubba, hubba, zing, zing.)

Closed Fan

Open Fan

Feel the breeze. I imagine this shirt is noisy. Like, it makes a noise when it opens. Like when you have playing cards in the spokes of your bike. Anyway...

Blanche comes in with a large shiny purse and the news that she found a fabulous dress sale, but, couldn’t call the girls to join her because all they had left were petites. Burn. 

Dorothy responds in kind: 

Dorothy: So, what did you buy, shoes?

Double burn. 

Sophia gives a fabulous line reading with absolutely no commas whatsoever, Blanche leaves to go try on her new dress, and Rose laments the lack of house calls made by doctors in Miami. That wasn’t a problem in Minnesota. Well, not until the town doctor drank some hog liniment and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers. The doorbell rings and with that we get two things:

1)The entrance of our guest star, Dr. Elliott Clayton

And

2) Dorothy Zbornak hot, hot, hot for a man! 

There’s not much I love more than Flirty Dot! And that’s who we get from the moment the door opens. And ya know what? She’s pretty damn good! In about a minute and a half, she manages to fill the doctor in on Sophia’s ailments, find out if he’s single, stomp on Rose’s foot, and set up a date! Solid. Work. Dot. But, this episode is called “The Triangle” for a reason, and here it comes! Blanche Devereaux - which is French for… Blanche Devereaux, posing like Rita Hayworth in a dress that would stop traffic. 

She turns it on Southern Style for the doc. And gets an arm grab from Dorothy that could uproot a mighty Sequoia. Dorothy tells her to back off in no uncertain terms. But, you know Blanche! He wants her. She can feel it. After all, she’s a woman, he’s a man, and Dorothy might be Little Richard. But, Blanche bows out, with the condition that she could pinch hit if called upon. Sophia's exam finishes up (not much of an exam, if you ask me), Sophia is told to be sure to take her medication, and the doctor leaves us until we all meet again. 

Later that week, we join the girls in the evening as Dorothy tries to find an outfit for another (it seems there have been several) date with Dr. Elliott. Her choice is heartily approved by the girls. They tell her she looks beautiful and that it’s an incredibly flattering outfit. No, haha, no they don’t. They totally reject her choice, naturally. 

Speaking of choices, Blanche is making an interesting one in this scene. Is it a dress? Is it a dress with an attached cape? Couldn’t rightly say. But, it’s a choice. Well, Rose goes to help Dorothy find a better outfit as the doorbell rings. Elliott has arrived. Blanche lets him in and offers him a drink. Elliott accepts, and then… then… THEN…. Elliott shows his true colors! And NOT in the good way like Cyndi Lauper encouraged everyone!!!! Ugh! Elliott makes a sleazy pass at Blanche and even man handles her a bit. Jerk.

  

But, don’t you worry, Blanche gives him a sharp word and a sharp punch in the shoulder. Good for you, Blanche. No, means no, and this guy is a tool. I mean, what was he thinking?? He was there to pick up Dorothy for a date, and knew she could catch them at any moment, and, also, what the heck is wrong with this dude?? You do NOT mess around on Dot. Especially not with one of her besties. This guy really sticks in my craw. Typical egotistical, entitled dude who thinks any woman should be - oh wait, here comes Rose! Doc Smarmy then compliments Rose.

Doc Smarmy: What is that marvelous scent you’re wearing?

Rose: Fancy Albacore tuna! 

The pimento is what really sets it off. Well, Dorothy emerges in the outfit of choice. It was hard to get a screen shot of this since she floats out of the room so quickly, but, all we REALLY need to know is that it’s black, white, and emerald green. So, Dorothy heads off for the evening, leaving Blanche and Rose to have a drink at the drink cart that’s only periodically located down stage center. Rose has a feeling that something is off with the Doc. Blanche tells Rose about the attempted pass. Rose feels terrible that Dorothy’s heart will be broken when she finds out. But, Blanche (striding back to the couch in her cape dress) says that she won’t say a word! This has happened to her before, and the last time she was truthful and she lost Anderbeau AND her beau! Rose doesn’t care about Ander bo bo, and thinks that if Blanche is a true friend, she’ll tell Dorothy the truth. She’s wise to point out that Dorothy could marry him! And then, what would happen at little May Ling’s coming out party when they all find out that Doc Smarmy bonged every female member of the country club?! Hasn’t little May Ling suffered enough?? Anyway, back to the point - if Blanche is really a friend, she’ll tell Dot the truth. 

We transition to, well, I’m assuming, a few hours later. Dorothy returns home from her date. 

Hey! Here’s a better shot of the two outfits. 

And Blanche, after hemming, hawing, and making yet another drink - there is more drinking in this episode than I can remember in others. Why didn’t they have them drink more?? That could’ve been fun. I mean, swap out that Empty Nest pilot episode and put in an episode where they all get blasted drunk and they really would’ve had something! Ah well. Missed opportunities. Anyway, after hemming and hawing, Blanche tells Dorothy that Sir Smarm-A-Lot made a pass at her. And sadly, as is so often the case, we have another Ander Bo Bo situation here. Dorothy blames Blanche 100%. Oh, Dot, you’re not seeing things straight! And she really goes after Blanche hard, calling her a slut, and a backstabbing jezebel! I mean, go big or go home, I guess? Blanche, clearly hurt, strikes back saying she doesn’t even care that May Ling’s coming out party was ruined. She flips her cape dress and storms out. 

Hey, Sophia’s back! Back in the kitchen the next day. Blanche is upset with Rose for pressuring her into telling Dorothy about D.Smarm. Sophia is unaware of what happened. Once she’s filled in, she cries out:

Sophia: I can’t believe it. My daughter is finally dating a doctor, he turns out to be a scuzz bucket. (she slams her toast down and then asks the kitchen door) Why does everything happen to me?? (And exits)

No, Sophia, don’t go yet! We just got ya back! Ah well. Dorothy enters wearing something shapeless and carrying an enormous purse, and she and Blanche trade jabs about Willie Nelson’s hairbrush. Dorothy storms out to the living room and the girls follow. Cue His Royal Smarminess! Dorothy asks Elliott point blank if he made a pass at Blanche. He avoids answering, but, Blanche can tell he’s lying because he's twitching and blinking. Rose confirms that he is, in fact, blinking. Elliott leaves. Blanche states that she’s been a good friend to Dorothy, and if Dorothy won’t take her word, then she doesn’t want her in the house anymore. That’s just fine with Dorothy. Rose stands helpless and alone while yelping. 

Now it’s time for milk, cookies and snuggly bathrobes! Close up on the Oreos, and they look gooooooood. Yay! Sophia’s back, back in the kitchen again, showing off her pajamas. Rose and Sophia are both losing sleep over the fight between Blanche and Dot. Sophia launches into a “Picture it, Sicily” moment. Is this the first one?? I think it might be! #makinhistory #makinherstory. Anyway, it’s a tale of intrigue about two friends with a pizza recipe, a man, and a dream. Yes, the tale of Sophia Petrillo, and her former best friend whom you might know of as… Mama Celeste. Moral of the story? Well, nothing. Which is Sophia’s advice - do nothing! Stay out of it! Well, Rose can’t just sit idly by. She has to do something! Sophia, left alone, takes a look in the freezer, and gives, what I can only assume to be a Mama Celeste frozen pizza, a hand gesture known to be of Italian heritage, accompanying it with: Abbondanza!  I mean, that definitely sounds like what she’s saying? In English it means, abundance. So, why that accompanies a gesture that was a favorite of Betty Rizzo, I couldn’t tell ya. But, there it is. She mad. 

Another day, another trip to the Museum of Wicker and Florals. Dorothy is getting ready for a day of golfing with you know who, and Rose is wiping down the plastic plants. When The Jerk, MD arrives - in horrific golf pants - Rose is left alone with him. Seizing the moment, Rose decides to try a little entrapment to see if she can get Elliott to bite! She does that Mae West kinda thing where you bounce your hip up and down. She tells him that he makes the hair on her arm stand on end. She even goes so far as to offer to show him pictures of herself in her tennis outfit! Rose Nylund - Rebel WITH a Cause. I mean, he came on to Blanche, why won’t he come on to her? Well, Smarmy the Magnificent denies the pass ever happened. Rose pushes, and just as Dorothy happens back into the room, he admits that he did put the moves on Blanche. Bam. Caught. To Catch a Smarmolater. Might as well have Chris Hansen pop out with some iced tea. Dorothy cuts him loose, and we couldn’t be happier to see the backside of those pants headed out the door for good.

Dorothy realizes what a jerk she’s been and heads off to apologize to Blanche. Where’s Blanche? Well, she’s in her room, just doing what anyone does in their room. 

Time out. Quick question - this picture on the wall - 

Early Charmaine Prototype? Or, just a random picture out of a magazine that props threw in a frame and hung up? Just curious… 

Anyway - Dorothy apologizes. Blanche goes through several bottles of perfume refusing her apology. And just when all hope seems lost - Blanche gives in and the gals hug it out. Rose, who was obviously listening behind the door, Nosy Nylund, enters and joins the hugging. Then, Sophia, enters to finish up the secondary story. Wait, what secondary story, you ask? Oh, well, breaking news - that Sicily story about Mama Celeste that happened somewhere around the 20 minute mark of the show? That was the start of a secondary story! Apparently! Who knew?? Well, never too late to enjoy some pizza. So, Sophia brings in two plates of lil’ pizzas to have the girls try them. If her instincts are right, she’ll be worth millions! The girls unanimously pick Pizza A as the best one. Can you see this coming?  Can you? It’s a little foggy out, so, let Sophia clue you in on whether or not that one was hers.

Sophia: You can’t pick men, and you can’t pick pizza!!

Now we see where Dorothy gets her hair trigger temper. I say they all head back to the living room and have a belt at Ye Ole Periodically Down Stage Center Rolling Drink Cart. Bottoms up!

Guest Star: Peter Hansen

Fun Fact: On the day of this episode airing (10/19/85) the very first Blockbuster Video store opened in Dallas, TX. At their peak, Blockbuster had 9,000 stores worldwide. As of 2013 there were 50, independently run, franchises remaining. It was nice while it lasted, Blockbuster. 

Fashion Report: Once again there was no shortage of bold choices this week. We saw gargantuan purses, cozy robes, and were made fully aware that Dorothy is not afraid of color. But, today, I have to give the final shout out to the dress equivalent of Jean the Lesbian's hairdo. You know how the refrain goes - Is it a dress? Is it a cape? Is Blanche a part time superhero? Could be. Thank you, cape dress, for keeping me intrigued until we got our secondary story. Hats off!

Can You Do A Crazy Rubber Dance With One Kidney? (S.1 E. 4)

S.1 E. 4
Transplant
Written By: Susan Harris
Directed By: Paul Bogart
Aired: 10/5/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry and we're off.

We open today with Rose sitting on the living room floor trying to arrange a sad lil' vase of flowers. It's not going as well as it could, but, she doesn't look too upset about it. She ain't mad 'bout it. But, Blanche is in a state! She comes flying into the room with a very large floral arrangement. She tries to find the right place for it (the right place ends up being the same spot where ANOTHER very large floral arrangement already sits). Blanche is frantic because her sister Virginia is coming for a visit. And Blanche cannot stand Virginia! Virginia made life miserable for Blanche and her other sister Charmaine! The first real mention of the sisters. Yay! I love it when we start getting deeper into Blanche's family. Before you know it, it'll be season 7 and we'll get to watch that Sophia mannequin go flying off the plantation roof! But for now - Rose simply cannot fathom how anyone could hate their sister. Which, we ALSO know is a load of crap because in just a few seasons, we'll hear Rose talking similar smack about her own sister! Ah, Continuity, why must I keep on a-searching for you??

Anyway, they chat about it for a bit, and then Sophia enters spraying air freshener, which gets a huge laugh. And we get to see that they're still kinda deciding on what exactly her hair is going to be.


Dorothy enters in a rare happy mood. She's thrilled. Why? Because she's carrying an obviously fake baby, that's why! There is just not a chance in the world that if that baby were real, she would carry it with such wild abandon! It's like when they carry beverages on  tv shows that are obviously not filled with actual liquid. No way.


Who is this fake baby? Well, it's Danny. Son of Lucy and Ted. Who are Lucy and Ted? If you know, you're ahead of me. But, they are friends of some sort. And, Ted had a water skiing accident. So, the girls have been tasked with taking care of this fake baby till the parents return from the hospital. Oh and for authenticity, we do get one overhead shot of an actual real baby. Well, Blanche is not happy that the baby is here. She' been cleaning frantically for her sisters visit and:

Blanche: Babies make a mess. 
Dorothy: In di-ap-ers. And unless we use them as placemats, your sister will never know. 

And yes, Dorothy does say "di-ap-ers" as does Rose in a few years when she "di-ap-ers" a turkey. It's moments like these when I really start to feel like I have too much time on my hands... Oh, and one more observation from the entrance of Fake Baby. As Dorothy enters, in the hubbub, there is some ad libbing? And Rose says "Where did you find..." to Dorothy. Where did she find what? The baby?? Does she think Dot just found it like, on the street? At the supermarket? In the mailbox? What an odd question to immediately come to mind. Asking where someone found a baby. Even a Fake Baby.

Moving on. Dorothy and Sophia leave to put Fake Baby to bed. Blanche goes on to explain in further detail why she can't stand Virginia. See, once Virginia was born, Blanche didn't seem to exist anymore. Virginia even got the Baby Jesus mad at Blanche on Christmas Eve. She tricked Blanche into electrocuting herself. And with that anecdote, we get one of my favorite Blanche moments ever. When she was electrocuted, she did a crazy rubber dance. You know she did it. You know you love it. I do too. So much so, that I learned how to make a gif so I could put it here.



I could honestly watch that all day.

Well, time has passed and here come Virginia and Blanche into the living room after having lunch on the lanai. Virginia is telling Blanche how lovely everything is. Blanche calls her out on using lovely in a passive aggressive way. I'm assuming that lovely was just another version of the classic southern "Bless your heart." To get back at her, Blanche takes a few jabs at Virginia's looks and then really tries to get her by (Dated Reference Alert!) telling her that the house was decorated by Nancy Reagan's interior decorator. Ooooooh, buuuuuurn. Virginia gives a few jabs back and then tries to call a truce.

We cut to the rest of the ladies in Dot's bedroom where Fake Baby is being fussy. Rose mentions that she used to put brandy in her babies bottles for colic. As opposed to on their teeth for teething.

Rose: My babies were very happy. 
Sophia: Put it in my bottle, I'll be happy too. 

Rose is marveling at all of the new innovations in baby wipes and bottles. Speaking of bottles.

Sophia (to Dorothy): I nursed. Your brother was 12 when he stopped. He wanted to come home from school for lunch. (points to her chest) I've got nothin' left up here. 

I love that Sophia is getting a smidge more involved with each episode. For the most part she's still just popping in and out of scenes to make a smart remark, but, we'll eventually get to her having her own storylines and I can't wait.  Blanche enters to say that she and Virginia are meeting up for dinner that night. Blanche mentions that Virginia was nicer than she's ever been. That's nice, right? No! It's not nice. Blanche is just wondering what she's up to.

Well, let's find out what she's up to! We join Blanche and Virginia at dinner. Blanche is still jabbing at Virginia. Telling her about all she took away from her through life and how she stole the man Blanche loved and made Blanche stand up at the wedding even though she was in a dress that made her look like a swamp frog. Blanche just can't stop. Virginia makes a toast to new beginnings and Blanche keeps on pushing. So, Virginia comes out with it. She tells Blanche, that she's dying. We now get a VERY tight close up on Blanche as she sits stunned.

Back home that evening Dot and Sophia are on the couch and man oh man is Sophia going to town on some Fritos. She is chomping away and you can imagine how pleased Dorothy looks. Blanche enters, still stunned by what she's been told. After some prodding from Dorothy, Blanche reveals that Virginia is dying. Rose enters and is briefly under the impression that Blanche is the one dying. She's wrong, of course. If a broken clock is right twice a day, then Rose is wrong however many other minutes of the day there are. So, yeah, she's wrong now.  But, now Blanche reveals the kicker. Virginia DID want something. She wants Blanche's kidney. Ooooooh, buuuuuuurn. Then they play their serious sounding transition music, and break for commercial. Good act break there! I'd definitely tune in after the commercials.



Well, here we are back after the commercials continuing right on. Rose inquires as to why Virginia would want Blanche's kidney. To which Dorothy responds:

Dorothy: To feed the cat, Rose!

And of course, the line reading Bea gives that is "With the anger of 1,000 Miami suns."

Ok, so, Virginia is in renal failure and Blanche doesn't know what to do. There's a very awkward extreme close up of Sophia for one sass line and then the girls all transfer to the kitchen. Blanche needs to eat. So, she pulls out what looks like some really big chicken wings, grapes, some type of casserole and assorted containers. No sooner does she pull them all out when she decides she can't eat. She's too upset. So, she leaves. The girls discuss what they would do if they were in Blanche's situation. Dorothy would do it in a heartbeat for her kids. Rose would do it for her old dog - which is so sweet and so Rose (and also so Betty White?), and Sophia would do it for all of her kids except Phil. (I'm guessing she wouldn't do it for Brenda Vaccaro either) Phil never calls, never writes and sends a cheddar cheese nativity scene every Christmas. Universe? If you know where I can locate a cheddar cheese nativity scene, or, really ANY cheddar cheese scene of any kind, please let me know. I want to know. I need to know. Thanks bunches.

Blanche and Miss V are in the living room discussing the whole kidney sitch. Virginia tells Blanche that she completely understands if she's not willing to give up her kidney. In fact, Virginia isn't sure what she would do if the tables were turned. Sophia pops in to say that Virginia and Blanche are family and if you can't count on family, who can you count on? Well, one lone person in the audience totally agrees with this and attempts, unsuccessfully, to start a round of applause. Nice try, lone person. The sisters then bond while they tear down third sister, Charmaine. These chicks really love to talk smack about each other. It's charming. Sophia pops in again, in some adorably tiny polyester pants, to offer her own (uncontrollable) kidney.



I haven't talked too much about the fashion this week yet. And that's mainly because there haven't really been any glaring miscarriages of justice. I mean, Dorothy is in something completely shapeless, yet again, but, at least they're seeming to refine the shapelessness a smidge. Juuuust a smidge. So, while we're on the topic. I love what Blanche is wearing in this scene. This blue and black dress with a flared skirt that looks like it could've been worn by a prostitute in the 1930's. Not like, a low rent one. A nice, classy kind of prostitute. I really love it. And she looks fabulous in it. Might be my winner for the week.



Ok, so, back to our scene. Virginia tells Blanche that she'll understand no matter what decision she makes. She hugs Blanche and tells her she loves her. Blanche does a little involuntary inhale that is beautiful. And Virginia departs for Atlanta.

The girls are now back in the kitchen, presumably with those giant chicken wings still in the fridge. The women have both stories for this week going at once here. Fake Baby has been sleeping all day and they can't figure out why. Oh, wait, they figure it out fairly quickly. Well, Dorothy does. It's because the women keep waking him up at night. Stop waking up Fake Baby! That's all we needed for that story. Now, back to the main event. Blanche hasn't been able to sleep either. But, she has decided that she is going to give her kidney to Virginia. She wants her sister to live so they can have the chance to get to know each other as adults. After all, Virginia is the only family she has. Is that true? Of course not. Rose mentions Charmaine, which launches Blanche into a little tirade about how Charmaine was REALLY the horrible sister who made life miserable for Blanche and Virginia. Hard to keep up. These southern sisters are complicated! Can you imagine if they had ever been on an episode of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta??  Oh man, that would've been a hateful little episode that I would watch over and over. Anyway, Blanche exits to go pack, Dorothy gives Rose a look like she just ate a bad egg sandwich and we move to the next scene.



Now it's time to say goodbye to all our Fake Babies. (Did you sing that line using the melody from The Mickey Mouse Club? If not go back and try again.) We get one more overhead shot of an actual baby, and then Dorothy exits to return Fake Baby to the prop closet. Blanche is in Atlanta having her surgery, and Rose and Sophia are wondering how she's making out. Rose then launches into an interminably long story about always holding her breath when she's in a hospital. (There are sick people in there, ya know.) Sophia takes it pretty well, and mercifully, Dorothy comes in and interrupts with the happy news that Lucy and Ted - remember our good friends? - have agreed to let the ladies babysit again next month. Huzzah! Blanche enters right behind Dorothy with the happiest news of all. She still has her kidney, and her sister will be fine! They couldn't use Blanche's kidney. Her blood vessels were too small.

Blanche: Well, of course they're too small. I've always been very petite. 

And they found a donor for Virginia. A retired mormon school teacher - with a kidney that was showroom new! And, on top of that - the best bestest news! The hunky doctor who examined Blanche is going to be in Miami next week! It's all wrapping up just like it's a 30 minute sitcom, isn't it?

Blanche has realized that she and Virginia have a chance for a real relationship now. Those of us in the know, know how well that's going to work out. But, for now, let's celebrate! Let's do something wild! Several ideas are thrown out:
1) Flying to Freeport to gamble all night (Sophia) - shot down by Dorothy
2) Going to Disneyworld to ride the tea cups (Rose) - shot down by Dorothy
3) Going to a bar to pick up over the hill astronauts (Blanche) -  shot down by Dorothy with an angry pinch to Blanche's shoulder.

Wow - way to rain on EVERYONE'S parade, Dot!

Rose finally comes up with the winner. There's some rocky road in the freezer. With that, the girls leap from the wicker, run towards the kitchen, and our credits roll on out.

So, that wraps another early episode where we're dipping our toes into the lives of each of our Golden Girls one at a time. And it comes with a lesson - Remember folks - love your family. Or, be super bitchy about them till they're almost gone, and then try being nice. Whatever works.

Guest star: Sheree North

Fun Fact: Sheree North appeared in a two part episode of Bob Hope Presents The Chrysler Theatre: Code Name: Heraclitus - which also starred Leslie Nielsen. The episodes aired at the end of 1966 and start of 1967. And Leslie Nielsen, as we know, went on to have his greatest success on The Golden Girls as Uncle Lucas Hollingsworth a man who enjoyed lobster, and had a talented friend named Freddie. 

Fashion Report: Well, as I said above, there were some lovely moments this week, and nothing completely egregious. I mean, it's all relative when it comes to this show, but, by and large, the girls looked lovely this week. Pastels abounded. Sophia wore another cozy robe. And Blanche, at one point, looked like a back up singer for Cab Calloway. It was a good week. The two strongest statements overall though, were made by our two feuding sisters! Blanche and Virginia. So, this week, I've got to call it a tie. Because choosing between two strong floral prints are a Sophie's choice that I'm not ready to face. 

 

Gin Rummy and the High Seas (S.1 E.3)

S.1 E. 3

Rose The Prude

Written By: Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan

Directed By: Jim Drake

Aired: 9/28/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Wait a minute. Rose the Prude? A bit of a judgmental title, no? Is it? Am I reading too much into that? I mean, are we “Prude Shaming” Rose before we even hit the first scene? Maybe not. I’m not sure, but, If so, I’m agin’ it. Our innocent Minnesota farm girl might have a perfectly good reason for not wanting any hanky panky, right? In fact, I’ll bet she does… oh yes, I’ll bet she does. (Cue ominous music). So, back it up Barry and Mort. Mind your business. Maybe a better title would’ve been, Rose The Woman Who Thinks Carefully Before Making Important Decisions And Does The Best She Can Using Whatever Emotional Wherewithal She Has At The Time And That’s Just Too Bad If It Doesn’t Work For Everyone Else ‘Cause It’s Really None Of Your Business. I mean, my guess is that it wouldn’t have been as strong an episode with that title, but, I’m just saying - “prude” is rude. 

Our story begins with our secondary story, and oh, what a secondary story it is. Now, it’s not nearly as spellbinding as The Mystery of The Missing Cheese Balls (A Tale Told In Two Scenes), but, I’m sure it’ll entertain us none the less. Dorothy and Sophia are playing Gin Rummy on the lanai. Dorothy is not doing well. In fact, she never does well. We discover in this scene, that Dorothy has been losing to Sophia at cards for 30 years. Yet she keeps coming back for more. Interesting to note here that Sophia mentions being 80 years old. As I mentioned in the pilot of the show, Sophia’s age really moves around a bit at the beginning of the series, until it settles into 85, and pretty much stays there for the majority of the 7 year run (And, maybe even into Golden Palace?). But, here, she’s a spry 80. Good for her. 

We hear what will become the all too familiar and comforting “click, click, click” of Blanche’s heels entering the lanai. Blanche is in a bind. She has a double date tonight and needs someone to complete the foursome. Dorothy refuses to go. She feels that tonight will be the night that she finally defeats Sophia at cards. There’s your secondary story - enjoy. Rose joins the scene and Blanche tries to recruit her for the evening. Rose is not interested. In fact, she has no interest in dating since losing her husband. 

Blanche: That’s not true honey, or you’d let your hair go natural. 

Rude? Yes. Funny? Also, yes. For the record - I don’t mind when the girls mock each other mercilessly. ‘Cause that’s the fun part. I live for that. I just didn’t like the title of the episode, and was looking for a way to start the recap. Ok? Ok.

So, Rose agrees to accompany Blanche on the date.  She ain’t happy about it though. She’s tired of going out and not enjoying herself. On her last date the man talked about his prostate for two hours. And, in 51 years of living in Minnesota, Rose had never even heard of a prostate! 

Dorothy: Honey, they don’t have ‘em there, it’s too cold. 

Sophia calls “Gin” and we see Dorothy rage with the heat of 1,000 angry Miami suns. 

Now, before we move on to the next scene - I would be remiss if I did not discuss Dorothy’s outfit in this scene. I use the term “outfit” loosely. When I decided I wanted to pick an Outfit of the Day, I knew I’d have some fabulous choices, but, man, so far there is a clear winner every time. And this week is no exception. Now, I realize that Dorothy is staying in for the evening and just playing cards, so no need to dress up - but, she is wearing this… well…. this swath of fabric? This large swath of fabric with shoulder pads (maybe?) and no indication of any other body parts within except feet? I mean, it’s like they went to a Joann’s and just said, “We’d like whatever fabric you would use for baseball uniforms, and gives us all of it. No, don’t cut it, we just need it in one large piece. We’ll take it from there.” And, then just cut holes for the head and feet. It’s not flattering. No ma’am. Allow me to show you:

And she wears this for more than one scene. It’s totally featured. WWTGD? (What Would Tim Gunn Do?)

Later that same day (for all you Apartment 3G fans), Blanche comes through the door in our runner up Outfit of the Day. She looks like a lovely, shiny, ball of sunshine. But, she does not look happy. Her displeasure though, cannot compete with what we hear in the kitchen. We hear Sophia call “Gin” again, followed by a crash and then an angry Dorothy enters the room. Sophia follows her and flaunts her winnings. Dorothy says she’s through playing cards with her. Sophia tells Dorothy she’ll be back for more. She won’t be able to help herself, because she’s too competitive. 

Blanche then fills Dorothy in on the double date. It was a complete disaster. Her guy was a total dud. Rose, on the other hand, had a fabulous time. And just then, Rose enters. She gives her version of the date. It was a wild time. They ran a toll booth. So, Rose is elated, and Blanche is kind of being a bitch about it. So, Dorothy reminds Blanche that she has had many wonderful dates in the past. Blanche drifts off into another sexual memory which includes a Miami Dolphins coach and adhesive tape. Dot advises Blanche to take a shower. Then, Dot gets up, and heads for the front door. The doorbell hasn’t rung. No one has knocked. It’s night time. She’s in her Little League Gigantor Fabric Wrap. So - why is she headed for the door? No idea. The scene ends. We’ll never know. 

Another day and another time in the living room, Dorothy is using her meat hooks to help Blanche open a jar of macadamia nuts. Sophia passes through and mentions that she’s going to meet with her club. A group of ladies who send in photos to Willard Scott and tell him they’re 100 years old. Dated Reference Alert! Children, back in the 1980’s Willard Scott was a very jolly and popular weatherman, who used to feature senior citizens who had turned 100 years old on his broadcasts. It was a more innocent time. Sophia opens the front door, and there is Rose in an embrace with - Miles?? Miles, is that you??? Yay! It’s Miles! Wait. Nope. It’s not Miles. It’s Harold Gould, yes. But, no - in his first appearance on The Golden Girls, Harold is not playing Miles. He’s playing Arnie. NOT to be confused with Impotent Ernie. This is Not Impotent Arnie. Well, Arnie doesn’t make it in the house yet. He’s left at the door. Blanche comments that things look like they’re getting serious. Rose, looking upset, exits to the lanai, and the girls follow. 

Ooh! We get another great Dated Reference here. 

Blanche: Is it about Arnie?

Dorothy: No Blanche, she’s upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke. 

You see kids, back in the 1980s’ - oh, just go look it up. Coke was confused in the 80’s. Here’s the deal - Arnie has asked Rose to go on a cruise with him to the Bahamas. Rose is nervous because she hasn’t been with a man since Charlie. And Charlie was her first, and only. Blanche, of course, is mystified by this concept. Dorothy explains that, not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port.  Well said. With the girls encouragement, Rose decides to go for it. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I would not suggest following Blanche’s advice to only wear a lifejacket and a great big smile. I’ve been on a lot of cruises, and, unless you’re with a very specific charter group - they frown on that. 

We cut to Rose and Arnie in their cabin on the ship. Both in their robes. I love Rose’s robe. I pretty much love everything these women wear to bed. Anyway, they’re having some very awkward small talk about terrycloth. Then, it’s time to turn in. Rose doesn’t budge. Arnie takes out his awesome 80’s tape player and puts on some Glenn Miller. Rose likes Glenn Miller. I mean, she wasn’t in the search party, but, she likes him. They dance. Rose keeps reminiscing about Charlie and how much Arnie reminds her of him. But, he’s not Arnie. Or Miles. Or even Samuel Plankmaker. He’s Arnie Peterson from Plainfield, NJ. After an intense kiss, Rose breaks away and runs into the bathroom. 

Let’s check on things back in the kitchen. None of the girls can sleep. They’re all wondering how Rose is doing. We then get a great conversation about how long they each waited to be with another man after their husbands were gone. For Blanche, it was the reverend at the funeral. She could feel the attraction between them. She knew he wanted her. Dorothy gives an incredibly deep and sultry (for her) sounding “Aaaaaaaaaand?” 

Blanche: And, it took 10 minutes, he left his watch and his socks on and I never saw him again. 

Sophia mentions that her husband Sal never took off his pants for sex! Ahhhh, l’amour. For Dorothy her divorce lawyer was right after Stan’s departure. Classic exchange coming! Dorothy laments how when you get older if you lean over, it looks like someone let the air out of your face. Blanche has doubt. So, Dorothy tells her to try it. Blanche leans over a mirror and is aghast! 

Dorothy: Only on your back. That way everything slides back and you look like you had a facelift.

Blanche leans back and is gorgeous once again. 

Blanche: I’m gonna have to meet men lying down. 

Sophia: I thought you did. 

I love all of these “no one can sleep” scenes on the show. There are lots of them over the years, and for me they’re really the heart of the show. All the ladies have great moments in them, and add the cheesecake and the cozy robes, and it’s just classic comfort television. 

We’re back at sea the next morning and Arnie is still pleading for Rose to come out of the bathroom. She finally does and explains that her hesitancy is because she hasn’t been with a man since Charlie. Arnie is understanding and notes that Charlie really must have been something. Little does he know that years from now we’ll find out that Charlie was REALLY something. In both size and stamina. Anyway, Arnie gets it. He went through the same feelings after his wife was killed by a drunk driver. Then, Rose reveals her true fear. (Cue ominous music again). Charlie died while they were making love. Ahhhhhh. Yikes. And Rose is afraid that if she does it again, she might kill Arnie too. See?? I told you she probably had a good reason, Barry and Mort! Well, Arnie reassures her that he’s healthy as a horse and all will be fine. Rose asks him to hold her and we end the scene on a very sweet moment between the two of them. 

Let’s bring this one home. To the living room. Sophia is trying to get Dorothy to play cards again. Dorothy is not having it. Not interested. Sophia explains that she’s not really interested in playing cards either. She actually likes it for the talking. They’ve had some of their best talks over card games. Awwww, sweet. Just then Rose’s cab pulls up and the girls anxiously debate whether or not she did it with Arnie. Dot expressly forbids the ladies to ask about it. So, naturally, Sophia immediately asks Rose if they played Find the Cannoli. Rose, missing that joke, goes on to describe what a wonderful time they had on the cruise. From Monte Carlo Night, to Jazzercise, to a Hootenanny, she goes on and on. Well, Dorothy loses her patience completely and busts out with the question they all want answered. Rose won’t answer. She’s a polite (not prude) farm girl and won’t discuss such things. So, Dorothy tells her to leave the room, and if she doesn’t return, then they’ll know she didn’t do it. But, if she does return, then they’ll know she did do it. 

Rose leaves, and then peaks her head back around the corner and smiles. The girls all celebrate. Rose confirms that it was wonderful and she feels great beginning a new part of her life. Blanche exits with Rose, to help her unpack and get all the juicy details. 

Dorothy and Sophia now start to play cards again. As they do, they gossip about the family. The scene plays out as Sophia relays a story about their Aunt Jean and Charles Boyer swimming nude in a pool. And with that, we roll the end credits. 

I have to say, this episode doesn’t make me laugh out loud quite as much as others, but, I think it serves a valuable purpose. Last week, we got to see Dorothy share a serious side of her life and the after effects of Stan leaving her. This week, we get to know more about what makes Rose tick. These early episodes are really doing such a wonderful job of making us laugh, while, at the same time, letting us get to know and love these ladies. I just heart this show. Heart, heart, heart. I’m gonna go put on a cozy robe now. 

Guest Star: Harold Gould

Fun Fact: Harold Gould went on to play Miles in the later seasons of The Golden Girls. But, prior to that, he played Martin Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show (and Rhoda), which also featured Betty White as Sue Ann Nivens. And, as Martin Morgenstern, he played husband to Ida Morgenstern, played by Nancy Walker, who also appeared on The Golden Girls as Sophia’s sister, Angela. The world is very tiny. 

Fashion Report: Shoulder pads and draping will just be the way of the world for Dorothy for the duration of the show. I have no idea if it was her preference? But, I think it’s a shame that we’ll never really know if the woman had a waist. Blanche, on the other hand, was right on point this week. As was Rose in her standard pastels. Let’s take another look at the Outfit of the Day though, just so you can keep seeing it every time you close your eyes today. 

We get it, Dot. We get it. Mad condolences on the ensemble. 

And Then There's Stan! (S.1 Ep.2)

S.1 E.2

“Guess Who’s Coming to the Wedding”

Written by: Winifred Hervey

Directed by: Paul Bogart

Aired: 9/21/85

I am so happy to be beyond all of the exposition of the pilot and on to really establishing our girls! And BOY -  have I missed you! Sorry, Trudy, I meant, BOY - does this episode start to get us into the groove!  From cheese balls, to put downs, to a fashion choice from hell - it’s really got it all. 

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Here we go. 

The girls are in the living room just enjoying the wicker. Well, they’re not ALL enjoying it, because, surprise, surprise, Dorothy is annoyed! Is it because of the pink pup tent she’s wearing? Oh, no. There’s far worse pink coming down the pike today. She’s annoyed because her daughter Kate is late! And she’s taking it out on anyone in her path. She’s also nervous, because Kate is bringing home the first man she’s been serious about since Paul McCartney. And, he’s apparently a doctor! Ooooooohh! Dorothy tells the ladies that if Kate marries this guy, she’ll shout from every rooftop in Miami “My son in law’s a doctor!” In fact, she’s so excited to shout it she barely takes a breath, and it stresses me out every time I hear her say that line. Take a breath, Dot. It’s OK. 

The doorbell rings, and here we have, Kate! Well, Kate #1. The Golden Girls, not being sticklers for continuity, had more than one “Kate” over the years. Why? We’ll probably never know. Or, maybe someone knows right now. But, this is who we’ve got for the moment, so, let’s enjoy her, shall we? Sophia makes her first entrance, in the coziest looking robe I’ve ever seen, announcing that she can’t find her culottes. This is a fabulous entrance line, and I think it should be used a lot more in the world. Enter a room today and just yell “I can’t find my culottes!” I bet someone will pay attention. 

Kate the First announces that the day after tomorrow, she and Doctor Dennis are flying to the Bahamas and getting married. Dorothy is positively weak in the knees with joy. Her daughter is marrying a doctor!……. (change tone) “innnnnnnnnn… the Bahamas.” Well, the winds came out of those sails pretty quick, huh? Why, the Bahamas? Kate explains that they’d like to avoid the awkwardness of having her divorced parents in the same room together. Dorothy pleads with Kate to reconsider and have the wedding in Miami, and Rose and Blanche offer up their services to make it a lovely affair. Dorothy and Kate then cuddle together cheek to cheek and look off into the distance as if they’re on the cover of an R&H cast album. Until Kate insists (reasonably) that both of her parents should be at the wedding. Dorothy gives in with a loving: 

Dorothy: Then it’s settled. Now, call your father and tell the dirtbag he can come. 

Dorothy, the one who gave him the best years of her thighs, calls Stan and, begrudgingly, invites him to the wedding. This gives me a chance to mention one of my favorite Girls Games. It’s called “Try To Be The Person On The Other End Of That Phone Call.” I’ve noticed that when the girls are on a call, the person on the other end would need to be the guy that does the voiceover for the small print at the end of car commercials in order to actually say what they need to say in the allotted time. In other words, it’s fast. Since I need fulfillment in my life, I try to do it. It’s a Sisyphean task. Find your culottes, and try it. 

OK - Stan is coming to the wedding. Chrissy (Stan’s new wife) can’t make it due to a tanning machine accident. The stage is now officially set for this Elizabethan revenge drama!

Let’s all go to the kitchen after some time passes.

Dorothy and Sophia are putting together rice bundles as Blanche is supervising her “wedding elves.” A concerned looking Rose summons Dot and B. to the living room to discuss some very distressing news. Sophia has been pilfering cheese balls. At last! The secondary story line is here! I love Sophia and I love cheese. I’m in. Side note  - the cheese balls in question, appear to be green. Why are the cheese balls green? Green!

The doorbell rings and here we have, Kate(1) and Dennis…. who is also part of The Golden Girls Lease Program. At a later date, he too, will be traded in for a newer model. Intros all around. (If you watch this a million times, you might notice that Dorothy does a quick glance at Rose’s cleavage as she introduces Dennis to her - I’m not reading into it, just noting it for historical purposes.) We then find out that Dennis is … a … PODIATRIST! A leper, you say?? No! A podiatrist. But, from the reaction that Dorothy has, the two seem interchangeable.  

So, the girls then grill Dennis(1) on his practice, how many feet he sees in a week, and whether or not he knows Dr. Scholl. He passes all tests. 

Kate: You think dad’ll like him?

Dorothy: Of course. (Take to camera) As long as he stays young and firm. 

ALL HANDS ON DECK! ALL HANDS ON DECK! The monstrosity hath arrived! And I don’t mean Stan! I mean, the outfit of the day! The week! Hell, the year. The oversized pink silk palazzo pants with oversized pink lace top with white tuxedo collared shirt, to end all oversized pink silk palazzo pants with oversized pink lace top with white tuxedo collared shirts. Thank you, Judy Evans. Thank you from the bottom of our collective hearts. I don’t know what inspired you, but you have fired on all cylinders for this one. 

Dorothy opens that door and gives us our very first - Dorothy slamming the door in Stan’s face -  moment. And it’s perfect. Bea Arthur has the world’s greatest comedic timing. And this is a great example of it. I love this moment. Well, Dot let’s him in and we finally get to meet Stan (Who’s wearing a lei. To remind us he came in from Hawaii?) He, and his toupee, are introduced to the girls. Sophia confuses him for Donny Osmond. 

Stan: It’s the hair, makes me look different. 

Sophia: It makes you look stupid. 

Our bride enters and Stan makes a patronizing speech commending Dorothy for handling their divorce so well. Dorothy spends a good long while being held back as she barks like a vicious dog, while Sophia (with her enormous camera), Kate v.1 and Stan leave for the church. The rest of the girls convince Dorothy she has no choice but to deal with Stan for the duration of the day. Rose and Blanche stand outside the doorway as Dorothy goes. They stare off into the distance as if it were a grand vista. As they do, Blanche gives us our first moment where she drifts from a metaphor (We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand) into sexual fantasy (spoiler alert: Blanche loves tight pants on men). And, finally, everyone is off to the wedding! 

Later that day, a full room of extras never to be seen again, are celebrating the happy couple! Dorothy is sniping at Stan. Stan is being a total jerk, and showing off pictures of him and Chrissy all over Hawaii. You might be thinking right about now - what ever happened to our secondary story? Well, here she comes! Rose is standing guard over the cheese balls. (Which are now a mix of orange and green. Seriously - what are they??) She WAS watching Dorothy, but, every time she did, Sophia took a cheese ball. Blanche tells Rose that no one like the cheeseballs anyway. And proving that point - Rose offers one to the priest and his review is as follows: Now I know what I’m giving up for Lent. And this is where we conclude our secondary story. It was fun while it lasted. 

Dot and Stan escalate their sniping until Blanche steps in to calm Dorothy down. After some mild petting and another drift into sexual fantasy, Blanche let’s Dorothy in on a sorority secret she learned while at Miss MacGyver’s Finishing School. Whenever she feels tense, she should just give Blanche’s hand a little squeeze. 

Dorothy: That’s the big secret?

Blanche: No, the big secret was Miss MacGyver and Miss McKee were sharing a one bedroom apartment off campus. 

To which, Dot responds with an almost Ralph Kramden like Arm Flail of Frustration. Stan then makes a terrible toast praising his new wife, and Dorothy squeezes Blanche’s hand so hard she falls to the ground. Sophia has a line about priests having “last rites quotas like parking tickets." Which I feel like is usually cut from network broadcasts. Dorothy then enters from the kitchen with a large knife. Rose screams, shoves her back in the kitchen and tells her he isn’t worth it. Ohhhhhhhhh - she was just going to cut the wedding cake. Phew!

Dorothy (who is moving from room to room very quickly) is now sitting alone on her bed. 

She cannot deal with Stan anymore. Sophia comforts her by telling her she’s acting like a jerk. And then philosophizes that anger is like a piece of shredded wheat stuck under your dentures. She’s gotta deal with Stan. Dorothy relents. 

The extras are still there. Saying goodbye to the newlyweds before they head off to their honeymoon. (In the Bahamas?) Dorothy gives the best advice ever to Kate:

Be his friend. Be his lover. Don’t be his slave.

And then advises the doctor:

If you hurt her, I’ll kill you. 

Dorothy then decides she doesn’t want these extras getting any overtime so she yells at everyone to get out. Try that at your next party. They obey, because they’re not fools. Rose yells a blanket: Be happy! Which I always enjoy because it’s so delightfully non-specific. It’s simple. Just like Rose. Stan tries to get out and Dorothy stops him and orders him to the lanai for (cue Les Mis music here) The Confrontation. 

This is the moment Dorothy has been waiting for since the moment Stan walked out on her. And the first thing she does is gold - she rips his toupee right off his head. She then proceeds with an epic monologue. It’s fantastic. All the things you go through in 38 years of marriage - kids, surgery, dinners, the lean years - all of it. Stan had a choice and took the easy way out. Dorothy found out her marriage was ending from a lawyer. And now, she gets to finally have closure. To say, “Goodbye.” Stan tries to interject and Dorothy cuts him off with, I said, goodbye, Stan. And he leaves. Boom. Mic drop - Dorothy.

Dorothy now lays on the lounge chair like Sarah Bernhardt. A big, pink, silky, Sarah Bernhardt. The girls (all looking lovely in their wedding ensembles, if I haven’t mentioned), enter to see how Dorothy is coping. They tell her to take it one day at a time, and eventually, Stan will be out of her life completely. No, Dorothy counters, there will always be a little part of him with her. Memories, they counter? No, not memories, counters Dot. This. She pulls Stan’s toupee out from under her palazzos for the perfect button to this fabulous episode. 

Game, Set, Cheese ball - Ms. Zbornak. 

Guest Stars:

Kate (v.1) - Lisa Jane Persky

Dennis (v.1) - Dennis Drake

Stan - Herb Edelman

Priest - Kurt Smildsin

Fun Fact: Dennis Drake was a co-producer on 5 episodes of Will & Grace and wrote 2 episodes of The Nanny!

Fashion Report: Duh.  

See ya next time!