S.1 E.7
The Competition
Written by: Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan
Directed by: Jim Drake
Aired: 11/2/85
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Ready, set, bowl!
Ok, I’m telling you right upfront I love this episode! Yes, I love all the episodes. But, after last week and, ugh… David… this episode is a fabulous palate cleanser. We finally get a real story line for Sophia! Huzzah! And it kicks in immediately. Like, before we even get through the opening credits immediately. We’re still on the establishing shot of the house when we hear the strained strains of Sophia belting out a little Italian ditty. Right away you can tell we’re in for a good time. As we transition inside to the kitchen we see that Sophia is hard at work making sauce. Not just any sauce though. This is her 14 hour sauce. The sauce she only makes for very special occasions. Like, when a relative is finally able to marry off a daughter that looks like Tony Bennett. The siren song of Sophia, along with the smell of the sauce, brings Dorothy and Rose to the kitchen. Dorothy heads straight for the spoons so she can have a sample. Rose heads straight for the knives to put one directly into Sophia’s heart by asking if the sauce is Chef Boyardee.
Blanche comes in and shows us her shiny new ball. Bowling ball, that is. She bought it to help her and Rose win the annual bowling tournament they’re entered in. Now, the rumor is that the Nielsen twins are unbeatable, but, Blanche and Rose still might have a shot. Either way, Blanche is looking forward to having as good a time this year as they had last year. Right, Rose? Umm, Rose? No. Rose did not have a good time last year. Why? Not sure. But, I’m guessing we’ll find out shortly. But, all this talk of balls has Dorothy intrigued. Maybe she and Sophia should team up and enter the competition. After all, they're both known to be strong bowlers. Well, Sophia shoots down the idea immediately. She’s busy. You see, an old friend from Sicily is coming to visit. Augustine Bagatelli. That name makes me want to go eat spaghetti right now. But, I can’t, because the plot, just like the sauce, is about to thicken. Augustine is more than just an old friend. He and Sophia were engaged!
Blanche: Well, what do ya know, Sophia has a past!
Sophia: That’s right. But, unlike yours, I didn’t need penicillin to get through it.
Here’s the scoop - Sophia and Augustine were engaged, he went to fight in the war, and she never heard from him again until today! Well, I’m intrigued. Sophia then goes full on Mama Celeste (arch nemesis) on Blanche who’s been over at the sauce pot dunking half a loaf of bread in for a snack.
New dawn, new day, new classic Sophia moment. Sophia comes running into the living room wearing her very best Sicilian Widow ensemble and doing her very best Wonder Woman spin to show it off.
She’s in her widows garb to make it perfectly clear to Augustine that she’s single and ready to mingle. Rose does a drive by through the living room with the second story line - she has taken it upon herself to get Dorothy signed up with a partner for the bowling tournament. She doesn't mention who the partner is though… hmmmm… And with that, we hear the doorbell. Get out your spaghetti everyone, it’s Augustine Bagatelli! And he is so cute, and pint sized, and he and Sophia look like they could just sit right on top of a wedding cake. They look each other up and down and in perfect sync they say: You shrunk!
Now, those of us in the know, know that Sophia has always been the same height, if we’re to take the flashbacks in future episodes as proof. But, it’s fun to picture a really tall Sophia. Maybe that’s where Dorothy got her height from. Instead of a genetic anomaly, or, her possibly being another couples child.
Dorothy and her really large, wrinkled shirt leave the two love birds alone to get reacquainted.
Sophia and Augie sit extremely close together on the couch, talk about their departed spouses and then head out for a walk. Rose who's been eavesdropping from the kitchen, thinks the whole thing is very romantic, but, then, of course, that’s Italian men. Always romantic. Rumor has it it’s because of the tight pants. Speaking of tight pants. Let’s get back to talking about balls. Bowling balls, that is. Just as Rose is about to reveal who Dorothy’s partner for the tournament is, a stunned Blanche enters the room. I mean, she is stunned. Just stunned. Stunned, is the only way she can describe how stunned she is. Why is she so stunned? Well, because she saw that Rose has partnered up with Dorothy for the tournament! Oooooooh, scandal on alley 7! You see, here’s the thing - Rose is too competitive. Always has been. And she really wants to win this year! So, she ditched Blanche for Dorothy and her highly skilled meat hooks. Well, the only person more stunned than Blanche, is Dorothy herself! Dorothy does not go for this kind of leisure activity espionage and she refuses to compete with Rose. And now Rose is really in a 7-10 split of a dilemma here, because Blanche has already found herself another partner - Olga Nielsen, one of the Nielsen twins!! That’s right. The twins aren’t playing together this year because Sonia was messing around with Olga’s boyfriend, Lars. (Do these sound like St. Olaf names, or what?) So, Blanche swooped in and now gleefully declares that she cannot wait to whoop Rose’s butt. Hey, while Rose is down and out, why don’t we give a shout out to her awesome primary colors bowling shirt, shall we?
Wait a minute. Do you see what I see?? Up on the wall in the right hand corner??
YES!!! It’s Phallic Lobster!!!!! SO glad that he’s finally joined the cast. And, I look forward to him being moved up to a cast regular on a more prominent wall in the future. To paraphrase Sweeney Todd: At last, my kitchen is complete!
Rose pleads with Dorothy to be her partner. And Dot finally gives in. Rose is pretty persuasive when she's desperately seeking vengeance at the bowling alley.
As if there weren’t already enough plants on the lanai - Dorothy is potting some more. And wearing the same bad sweatsuit from last week. Sophia, just back from a date at the mall food court with Augie, has some news. Augie wants her to join him back in Sicily for the San Gennaro Festival. Dorothy makes the mistake of thinking that Sophia is asking her permission to go, and tells her, no way. Well, as we know, Sophia is a bad ass and don’t ask permission from nobody for nothing. She’s going. Take that! Wait, wait… she needs to borrow $1200 for the flights. Ok, so, maybe she’s not going. That’s a shame.
Ok, now, the rest of this scene is leisure activity espionage taken to the highest level. So, let’s just make it simple.
- Sophia is mad at Dorothy for not letting her go to Sicily.
- Rose has decided to now drop Dorothy as her partner for the tournament.
- Whaaaaaaaat, you say??
- That’s right. Rose has grabbed the other Nielsen twin in order to lock down her victory.
- Wait a minute, says Blanche, the twins are now back together, because Lars dropped dead!
- So, none of the girls have partners now?
- Wait a minute, says Dorothy, she’ll be happy to partner with Blanche to get revenge on Rose.
- But, what about Rose?
- No problem, says Sophia, she’ll be happy to partner with Rose to get revenge on Dorothy.
Ok! So, as we probably could have guessed long ago, the girls are now partnered up with each other. This makes for better comedy, and a better budget because now they don’t have to actually hire any actors to play the Nielsen twins. Good. Settled.
I’m not a morning person. And neither is Blanche. So, the only way that Dorothy can get her up and out at 6am for bowling practice, is to deepen that Dorothy husk and pretend to be a man whose wife is on her way home.
Cruel, but effective. They need to practice as much as possible. After all, Blanche was dumped by Rose, and if there’s one thing Blanche can’t stand, it’s being dumped. Men, be aware - if you dump Blanche Devereaux, she will not take it kindly. And she’ll also go sleep with your brother. FYI. As the ladies try to sneak out, who should they run into? Why it’s Rose and Sophia returning from practice at what must clearly be a 24 hour bowling alley. These girls are not messing around. So much so that Sophia proposes a side bet. If she and Rose win, Sophia gets to go to Italy with Augie. Ok, fine, but, if Dorothy and Blanche win, Dorothy gets the silver earrings that Sophia never lets her wear. Done deal.
OOH, it IS a 24 hour bowling alley! It says so right on the sign in the stock footage bowling alley exterior shot! And these girls came to play! Blanche is in her Betty Rizzo Pink Ladies bowling shirt with matching hair ribbon. And, Dorothy is in this double breasted blue and yellow something or other. You don’t get a lot of double breasted fashion at the bowling alley, I’d think. But, that’s what it is. Well, here come Rose and Sophia. And, they’ve brought some psychological warfare. The girls are wearing the same shirts as Blanche! Psych!!
Blanche: You are wearing my bowling outfit.
Rose: Well, I do believe you’re right. Oh, don’t worry about it, honey, no one will notice. It looks so different on a woman with a full bosom.
Blanche: Don’t you throw your bosom in my face!
Ok, so they’re getting to Blanche a bit. But, Dorothy won’t fall for those cheap tricks. Or, maybe she will. Like, immediately. All it took was Rose addressing Sophia as “Ma.” No one calls her “Ma” except Dorothy, ok? Got it? Let’s bowl! Sophia’s up first with the worlds slowest moving ball. But, it’s a strike! Good for you, Sophia. I like your style. Dorothy is off to a terrible start when Rose offers “Ma” another hot dog. I don’t actually know if there was even a first hot dog, but, Rose offers another one either way. And it’s enough to cause Dorothy to throw the ball backwards. Yeah, that’s gonna be an open frame. Sorry, Dot. Get it together, girl.
Fast forward. Rose gets a spare, to put her and Sophia into first place. A crowd gathers, and one extra looks like she’s chomping on a Twizzler in the back ground. She might want to grab another one, because this game isn’t over yet. Dorothy and Blanche still have one more frame to bowl. Well, this is when Blanche’s deep, dark secret is revealed. When the chips are down… Blanche chokes. So sayeth, Rose. Eat Chalk, so sayeth, Blanche. It’s true. But, Dorothy does her best to calm her down. Giving her a tender speech of encouragement coupled with a threat to throw her down the alley. Maybe Blanche would feel better knowing she could get a Turkey Delight from the snack bar behind her for just $1.39 afterwards? Or, something called Super Beef for $1.49? Maybe not. I mean, it sounds delightful to me. But, the pressure is just too much. All Blanche really wanted was to look cute in her new outfit. Forgive me for going a little gif crazy this time around, but, I just couldn’t resist this last one. Because they all look cute in Blanche’s outfit.
Well, that was all the motivation Blanche needed to get back on the horse, as it were, and triumph! Well, not exactly triumph in the traditional sense. She knocks down two pins. But, Dorothy will bring this one home. All she needs is to pick up a spare she's hit a hundred times. An anxious Augie joins us, to find out if Sophia can go with him to Italy. We shall see. Our little Italian cake topper couple is being downright adorable together. So much so, that a glance from Dorothy tells us everything we need to know. She misses the easy spare. Rose rejoices as if she were a ball player on steroids. And Sophia happily runs off to (immediately?) go to Sicily.
Sophia and her hat with no top to it have returned safely from Sicily.
As Dorothy relaxes in her latest fabric swath, Sophia fills her in on what a lovely time her and Augie had. She then gives Dorothy the earrings promised in the bet. Why? Because she knows full well that Dorothy missed that spare on purpose. Awww, sweet. But, no one is sweet on Rose at the moment after her behavior throughout the entire bowling fiasco. But, she’s trying to make up for it. She’s had all of the girls names engraved on the trophy. Awwww, that’s sweet too…
Wait…
With her name bigger than everyone else’s.
Because she’s the one who actually won it.
And it will be in her room if you ever want to see it.
Damn. Rose is a baller.
A bowling baller. Get it?
Guest Star: Ralph Manza
Fun Fact: Ralph Manza appeared on almost every television show from the 70’s and 80’s you can think of, including an episode of Mama’s Family - but, unfortunately it was not one of the episodes that featured Rue McClanahan or Betty White. He was also on an episode of Fantasy Island with Charo. This has nothing to do with the Golden Girls, but, I’m mentioning it just because you should mention Charo any time you can.
Fashion Report: I’d like to pay tribute to the unheralded star of this weeks episode. The oddly placed pink satin ribbon that Blanche wears in her hair when she participates in sports! I thought you’d fall out, oddly placed ribbon. But, you didn’t. Good on you.
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