S.1 E. 21
Written By: James Berg, Stan Zimmerman
Directed By: Terry Hughes
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry.
We open with Dorothy standing around in one of those classic heavily draped gowns that gives her absolutely no shape whatsoever. Sophia's doing her best to hem it, but, in my opinion, it could really use some kind of waist cincher. Also, it's Florida, and that fabric looks so heavy it would give you the all over sweats in about a minute and a half, and then you'd be trying to take it off at the end of the night and you'd have that same situation Ross had on Friends when his leather pants got all stuck. Not good.
Anyway - Everyone's getting ready to go to the big banquet. These girls do love a good banquet. I mean, who wouldn't? Blanche has gotten herself a brand new dress for it, since her dress from the year before can't be repeated due to it's stunning shade of green, and/or flesh tone, depending on who you ask. Neither Sophia or Blanche have dates yet. You read that right - Blanche doesn't have a date yet. Seems that her and Sophia both want to find just the right guy to bring with them to the social event of the season. Understandable.
Rose comes in looking for some aspirin. Time released sounds good. She's feeling a little achy. Head achy? Stomach achy? Back Achy? What achy, you ask? Well, Dorothy asks the same questions, because she's a hypochondriac. Blanche, on the other hand, isn't worried at all about getting sick. Why?
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone. Day or night.
Naturally, we cut to the next scene, and all three girls are just as sick as sick can be. But, as sick as they are, they'd never miss out on a classic "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" sight gag.
The girls feel terrible. Especially Rose, who has a side order of guilt to go along with the sniffles. Blanche is amazed at how great she looks no matter what her glands feel like, and Dorothy is as charming as you'd expect her to be in this scenario. Sophia is the only one hanging tough. (Shout out to the New Kids on the Block)
Dr. Richmond, Lady MD shows up at the door and throws the girls for a loop. Remember, this was 1986, when if you were expecting a doctor, you were expecting a man. Good for you, Lady MD. She asks for the girls symptoms, which include all the usual stuff, except for the part where Rose hallucinates that she's being chased by a bottle of Listerine. (For Dorothy, it's Scope). Blanche has never been examined by a Lady MD and it's all a little strange to her. Well, Lady MD gets off a solid joke at this point by telling her not to worry, because she used to be a man. Excellent way to lighten the mood, Lady MD.
The verdict is in - They've all got the flu. This doesn't bode well for any of the ladies making it to the big charity banquet. Nothing they can do except rest, drink fluids, and irritate the crap out of each other.
Sophia wants to try some home remedies. Sometimes those truly are the best. Like back in her village when Salvatore, the village idiot took some ear salve and put it on his linguine by mistake. Turns out it tasted great. But, as we all know, "Linguine with Ear Salve" doesn't look great on a menu. But, "Linguine with Pesto Sauce?" That's a million dollar idea. Salvatore hit it big and never looked back. Jury's still out as to whether or not his ear infection ever cleared up.*
*Note: This anecdote might not be factual, but, old ladies have a right and obligation to be colorful, so, it remains on the record.
The flu is in full swing now. And so is the battle for the heating pad. Dorothy needs to warm her chest, but Blanche feels her chest is far more deserving. Rose is the only one trying to keep her proverbial chin up during this saga. She's found her folk medicine book and is sure she can get everyone through this siege with a smile on their face and a song in their heart. Despite the fact that Blanche would not have a problem with stringing her up from a tree. Harsh.
The secret to Rose's positive demeanor? A hot toddy recipe from her folk medicine book. Translation? She's drunk.
Dorothy and Blanche almost come to blows over Another World. Understandable. Linda Dano could be very polarizing!
But, it's not only that. The girls have been cooped up with each other for three days, and they can't take another minute of Dorothy's bad disposition, Rose's cheerful (drunk) disposition, and Blanche's snappy disposition. They trade insults and Girl Scout pledges and vow never to speak to one another again. They storm out of the living room just as Sophia enters to tell them that she's found herself a date to the banquet!! No one cares. Sorry, Sophia. I care. I really do. I'm here for ya, Sophia.
The next day, the battles continue, from orange juice to Vicks Vap-o-rub, to pre-measured Nyquil caps. The ladies just can't get right. The one thing that Blanche and Dorothy agree on is that being mean to Rose makes them feel better. It gets particularly vulgar when Rose says "H-E-double hockey sticks" and Blanche lashes out and calls her an, "A1, first class, all around nerd." BLANCHE HATH GONE TOO FAR! Rose cries, Blanche cries, and everyone just feels rotten.
Sophia pops in, from what I can only assume is a busy day, to let the ladies know that group hugs can give the neighbors the wrong idea, and also, she canceled their reservations for the banquet. Which is a real shame, because Harriett (Lady Banquet Organizer) implied that one of the girls might have won the big award. You know the one, The Best Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award" - a little clumsy as a title, but I'm sure their intentions are good.
Who could've won it? Well, any of them, really. Rose has participated in every "thon" that they've had. Blanche volunteered to be the CPR dummy. Dorothy sold 49 cases of peanut brittle. All noble causes. Which one is the most noble? Well, we are not the ones to judge, but, the girls get into, yet another, bickering match over which lady will triumph at the awards ceremony. Rose, possibly seeking revenge for the last three days of abuse she's taken, and possibly coming out of her drunken hot toddy induced stupor, gets in a solid jab that it won't be Dorothy because not enough people like her. Especially if they add in a swimsuit competition. (That last part was Sophia piling on, as she's been known to do.)
What a great episode this is from a costume standpoint. They spend 3/4 of the show in the worlds best pajamas and robes, and then they get to wear evening gowns. That's the dream, right? Night gowns, and evening gowns. The only two things that should really ever be worn. The world would be a better place. Like in sci-fi movies when everyone is wearing a uniform in the future? It should just be evening gowns in the evening, and night gowns at all other times. Perfection.
Anyway, the ladies have all arrived at the banquet. Glittering, glamorous, and hacking their lungs into the salad. Sophia used her winnings from the dog track to land herself a hot, young dude. Raoul. He feels that it's a pleasure to be here. And Blanche used $25 from her purse to try to pass off one of the waiters as her hot, young dude. Tommy. She had an elaborate story and everything. Didn't work. Embarrassing for Blanche. As embarrassing as having to admit that her actual date took one look at her and said he'd rather die than be seen with her in public? Probably not. But, no matter. She still looks better than all of you! (Not you, reader. Dorothy and Rose, natch.)
The awards ceremony is about to get underway. And not a moment too soon! No one wants to listen to another minute of Dorothy's date talking about his stomach tattoo. Right? Ok, well, here's the moment of truth. Who will win out? Peanut Brittle? CPR Dummy? Thon Girl? We'll soon find out. But, first, some bad news. Don Johnson was supposed to present the award, but he's now unable to attend! However, the producers of the show did send over the clothes he was going to wear! And really, that's JUST as exciting! Or, at least it seems to be to Dorothy, whom you can hear oohing and aahing over the rest of the crowd. It's been a rough week. She deserves a little joy.
And the winner is ... Sophia Petrillo! Well, of course it is! Sophia deserves all of the awards forever and ever! I'm excited. The audience is excited. Dorothy is even more excited than she was about Don Johnson's Pastel Suit Collection Special. Sophia cops a few lip smackers from her young, hot dude, and then collects her giant, well deserved trophy. She then makes a perfect speech about the blessings she has in this world. Friends. She's a lucky woman. She has friends... and a hot date. Who could ask for anything more?
The girls see how petty they've been, and make a toast to friendship. And with one final synchronized sneeze, we go to a freeze frame and the closing credits. Now, everyone get some rest.
Guest Stars: Sharon Spelman - Dr. Richmond
Marcelo Tubert - Raoul
Tony Carreiro - Tommy Cochran
Fun Facts: First and most obvious, Dr. Richmond shares her last name with the street the girls live on. And the actress that played her, Sharon Spelman has had an extensive career in television. But, my favorite credit has to be that she played Margaret Kanisky on Gimme a Break - a flashback episode where she was the deceased mother of the girls. She went from one set of girls to another. And now I want to live in an alternate universe where Nell Carter could've made a guest appearance on Golden Girls. Ahhhh, if only.
Fashion Report: Well, as I said earlier, I love the clothes in this episode. I love all of their pajamas, and I looooove their gowns! Especially Sophia's. That one should've been brought back in future episodes. But, it's too hard to pick my favorite. So, this week, I'm giving the top fashion slot to, Don Johnson's Pastel Suit Collection Special! A hanger never looked so good!