S.1 E. 20
Written By: James Berg, Stan Zimmerman
Directed By: Jack Shea
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. Sinatra is alive again! Oh glorious day! Sigh.... wouldn't it be nice?
Yes, it would. But, he's not. But, for the next 22 minutes or so we can pretend he is as we journey back to 1986 when Dorothy tries for the third time in her life to see Ol' Blue Eyes live in concert. On her first attempt she got all the way to the Palladium and then had to spend the evening in the ladies room reviving an overcome Sophia. The second time, her tickets were a gift from Stan. But, then he also gave her the gift of divorce proceedings - during which she was skunked out of the tickets and ended up with the house and the kids instead. So, this is her shot!
Unfortunately, after a lengthy amount of time spent on hold, Dorothy is informed that the concert is sold out. So, as it turns out - NO! NO! SHE WILL NOT HAVE A NICE DAY! But, she will start looking in the yellow pages for ticket brokers. Sophia offers to use her connections, but Dorothy scoffs. Yes, she scoffs!
Blanche isn't having a nice day either. Despite being dressed like sherbet, she's unhappy, because she has failed her psychology test. Ya see, Blanche is going for her degree in order to get a promotion at the museum. She gets some encouragement from Rose (who is also dressed like sherbet), but things are not looking good.
Well, the tickets brokers have not worked out. So, Dorothy is taking things to the next level. She's going to find herself a scalper. But, that's illegal, you say! Funny, Rose said the same thing. But, once it's been revealed that Rose is already a criminal who steals grapes at the local Piggly Wiggly, it's settled. Blanche, however, will not be taking part in the great ticket caper. Her final exam is that night. She's convinced she's going to fail. Studying is just not her thing. She tries to ditch out of it and head over to Wally's Bar but, is admonished by Dorothy and Rose. They both encourage her to see her teacher if she needs extra help. She's hesitant. Dorothy understands the hesitation. After all, she used to be intimidated by her teacher in grade school. Lil' Dot had a lil' lisp and was afraid to speak up and ask for help. But, once she eventually did, she was thrilled with the results. Her teacher was the one who inspired her to go into education. And because of that, Dorothy might someday be able to follow in the foot steps of Mrs. Lenoff and open a bed and breakfast on Whode Island.
Bolstered by what would normally be excellent advice, Blanche is finally able to approach her teacher and ask for some extra help to pass his course. And I think it's fairly obvious to everyone that this guy screams "creeper" from the word go. And, a creeper he is. Completely ignoring the fact that Blanche is in the market for actual help, he does the standard creeper lean in, and gives her his "private number" and tells her that she'll use it if she wants to pass. Blech! Now I'm not even in the mood for sherbet anymore.
Which is fine, because we've got Jell-O instead! Yes, Rose made Jell-O. Sophia is in no mood for it.
Sophia: If God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air he would've filled them with helium.
Understood. Side note: Last year I visited the Jell-O Museum in LeRoy, NY. Yes, it really exists. It was fun and I bought a t-shirt! Ok, so, back to Sophia cleaning out her purse. I mean, of course she is, it's Tuesday night after all. She's a little testy because she hasn't had sex in 15 years, but who wouldn't be?
Big shot returns without any tickets. She didn't have the gumption to negotiate in a dark alley with a scalper with things moving in his hair. So, it's not looking good for the girls getting to see Frank. I mean, don't give up. We still have 14 minutes left in the show, but, for now - I'm not optimistic.
A devastated Blanche returns to the house to inform the girls of her saga. And this is where we see how everything old is ewwww again. Dorothy points out that Blanche is being sexually harassed and that she needs to speak out to officials and fight for her rights. Sound familiar everyone? Oy. I mean, it's just been everywhere forever. Double Blech. Dorothy shares the fact that she is also a #metoo. She was harassed when she first started teaching. I mean, hers was a fairly open and shut case though, since the guy did it while wearing a corset and high heels. But still, she spoke out and he was forced to resign. (She got results?? Probably rare, back in the 80s.) Blanche is inspired and commits to speaking to the dean about her professor.
Poor Rose is also a #metoo. Well, we think. See, she would always go to Lars Eriksons drug store and tackle shop for a sundae. Well, Nils Filander, Soda Jerk - Town Jerk - would always arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. Unfortunately though, she could never prove her case. By the time she'd take it home to show her father, the evidence had - all together now - MELTED!
Ok, now I'm frankly not sure if I ever want sherbet again...
Blanche has her meeting with Dean Tucker. It's not a hell of a meeting though. Dean Tucker has only been Dean Tucker for a couple of days. He ain't ready for this! Blanche doesn't back down. So, the dean does the only thing he can think of - he fills out a form. It's a smidge embarrassing to ask the questions in this scenario. So, he basically asks Blanche to point out on the form which things the professor asked her to do. Turns out it's worse than we thought. It's not just #5. It's #5, 6 and 7B. Any witnesses? No. Can you hear the 'wamp waaaaaaah' music right at that moment? Blanche can. I can. Every woman on Earth can. It's the same ole, same ole. Without substantial evidence there's nothing they can do. It's her word against his. After all, a man's career is at stake! UGH! Blanche the Bad Ass points out that her career is at stake too! Not to mention her dignity! Go, Blanche Go! This ain't over yet, folks.
Blanche returns home ready to rip someone, anyone a new one. And understandably so! Unfortunately, the first person she runs into is Rose - who is ready to launch her own story and she's into orbit before Blanche can even start the count down. Rose won 4 tickets to the Sinatra show! How? Well, it's a long story, but, to sum up:
Blanche: She was listening to her car radio. Big band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in the door handle, and bim bam boom she won the tickets.
Dorothy: Take a lesson, Rose. THAT'S how you tell a story.
And Dorothy got tickets too! All she had to do was pretend she only had three weeks to live! Simple!
Ok, now, can Blanche please tell her story??? Yes! Thank you! Wait! Not quite yet. Sophia got tickets too!!! Will the madness ever stop? Remember when Dorothy scoffed?? Well, Sophia came through. She does have connections after all. All she had to do was call Frank. Frank Caravici from the fish market. And Frank knows Frank - Tortoni, from the dry cleaners. Turns out Tortoni is third cousins with Tina - Sinatra! And bim bam boom, Sophia has tickets too. So now they have 10 tickets! What to do with the extras? Dorothy wants to scalp them. Dorothy! For shame.
NOW can we hear Blanche's story? No. Now you all have wasted so much time, she's not going to tell it. She has realized that only she can help herself. And that's what she's going to do. She's going to study her butt off and pass the course on her own. As soon as she makes herself an ice cream sundae... and gets a little saucy with the chopped nuts.
The Creeper is back in town. Blech. Blech. Blech. Blanche is the only student left in the classroom at the end of her final exam. And this jerk is really seeing an opportunity for himself. But, not so fast. Ms. Blanche Devereaux is a lady. And she tells off this jagweed with beauty and style. She's confident that she aced the test. And even if she hadn't her self respect is more important than passing his damn course. She exits with a classic -
Blanche: You sir, can kiss my A.
Do. Not. Mess. With Badass Blanche! She is a force to be reckoned with.
It's 2AM and the ladies are just returning from the Sinatra concert. Well, not exactly. Big Shot Dorothy made the mistake of scalping her extra tickets to an undercover cop. Whoooops! So, they spent the night in jail. As it turns out Dorothy was not meant to see Sinatra live. Sad. But, it's ok Dot. Neither was I.
Once again, the ladies are rude and don't ask Blanche about how her night at school went. But, she tells them that everything went well and best of all she was able to tell off The Creeper. The only negative is that she won't be getting the promotion at work. The position went to Sally Folgerson. Instead of getting a degree, Sally got a tummy tuck and a butt lift. Arrrrrrggghhhh! And once again we cry - Everything old is Ewwwwww again!
Guest Stars: Jerry Hardin - Professor Cooper
James Staley - Dean Tucker
Fun Facts: James Staley did a ton of TV work in the 70s and 80s including episodes of Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Punky Brewster and Remington Steele - just to name a few! Jerry Hardin has a huge resume including episodes of Miami Vice, Melrose Place and Who's the Boss. And, both guest actors this week will return to The Golden Girls in three years to play other roles. See you soon, fellas!
Fashion Report: Were they all going to the same concert? I truly question that.