Guard Dogs and Pretzels and Guns, Oh My! (S.1 E. 8)

S.1 E.8

The Break In

Written by: Susan Harris

Directed by: Paul Bogart

Aired: 11/9/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Come on in. The lanai door has a crappy lock. 

Night time is the right time for the start of this episode. It's also the right time to start out with a totally awesome dated reference! The girls are at the front door returning from - a Madonna concert! Yaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss. The year is 1985 and the Material Girl is riding high. So, why wouldn’t the four hippest ladies we know go and see her in concert? I realize that it’s not necessarily a dated reference since you can still see Madonna in concert today. Why, just yesterday I saw a video online of Madonna live in Australia singing “Send in the Clowns.” I’d post the link, but, I’m trying to forget it as quickly as possible. No offense to Madonna, of course. Girl has got some serious staying power. But… let’s leave the Sondheim alone, ok? Ok. But, there is just something about seeing our golden girls coming back from a Madonna concert that strikes me as another one of those “Most 1980’s Moments” you can possibly have. The reviews on the concert are mixed. I think you can pretty much guess who thought she was fabulous, who thought she was shocking, who said she’d seen things on stage she never even did with her husband, and who just called her a slut. So, I won’t sort it out here. 

The girls enter the house and wooooooooah. Wicker and coral floral upholstery is everywhere. Yikes. They’ve been robbed. Oh boy. The sliding glass doors out to the lanai seem to be the point of entry. 

Not sure whether or not the robbers are still there, the girls clutch on to Dorothy’s shoulder pads and she carries them like a 3 headed back pack across the living room. But, they’ve got to make sure that the coast is clear and that they’re safe. So, how to do that? Well, naturally  Dorothy will recreate Clint Eastwood’s “Do You Fee Lucky, Huh, Punk, Well, Do You?” monologue from Dirty Harry. She brings herself to center stage and gives the performance of her life. 

Ok, no reaction. The thieves must be gone. So, better assess the damage. The only one who doesn’t go and check on her things is Rose. Rose is freaked out. Really freaked out. So much so that she does a monologue too - since monologues, I guess, are the “go to” this episode when characters are uncomfortable. But, since Rose is so freaked out, she actually does her monologue while walking backwards. Why? Cause she's freaked out. I told you that! She walks backwards all the way to the hallway and lands there just in time for Dorothy to scare the crap out of her by sidling up behind her. 

Well, they stole her stole! Can you believe it? The one gift Stan gave Dorothy that didn’t require an extension cord, and it was stolen. Bummer. 

As any supermodel or Beverly Hills Cop fan will tell you - cocaine was big in the 80’s. But, no matter what Rose thinks - Blanche has not just emerged from the kitchen covered in cocaine. No. She is covered in flour. Strategically placed flour. Including perfect hand prints on one cheek and both boobs. And, her mama’s jewels have been stolen! Ugh. It just keeps getting worse. See, she hid the jewels in the flour. She had no idea that’s the first place robbers look. Second place - the freezer - According to Senior Investigator Dottie Zbornak. The irreplaceable jewels are gone. Woe is Blanche. 

The only one who made it off scot free is Sophia. She tries to claim other wise - stating that all of her clothes, girdles included, have been stolen. But, Dottie Zbornak knows her mother all too well. Who in the world would want to steal Sophia’s clothes? It’s at this point that we get the little moment from the credits that I love so much, and quote every week at the top of this blog:

Sophia: Short girl robber, travels a lot, likes drip dry? 

Nope, Dot’s not falling for it. Sophia has hidden her clothes, yes she has. Ok, fine. She admits it.  She hid her clothes. She hates her clothes. She needs new clothes. I actually love that they just went through the terrifying discovery that they had been robbed, and the first thing Sophia thought to do was go and hide all her clothes so she could get a new wardrobe. I love this woman. 

A lot of debate follows on why they were robbed - bad karma, being single, massive unemployment and a crappy lock on the door - whatever. The fact remains that they’ve got to deal with it. And one person who is still not dealing with it all that well is Rose. Poor thing just looks petrified. Blanche, on the other hand, is ready for a good old fashioned hanging. Maybe a whipping first and then a hanging. And maybe when she talks about whipping people she’s a little bit turned on. 

A smarmy salesman is now trying to sell the girls a security system. He’s using the classic technique of scaring the crap out of them with horrible statistics in order to up sell them. It seems to be working on Rose. Blanche would like all burglars to be immediately electrocuted. (Reasonable) But, Sgt. Zbornak is not having it. She pushes the salesman out the door while informing him that they will be getting a basic security system from his competitor because she will not be bullied into spending more money than they have. Just as Dorothy is about to run out of breath she spits out her last line, slams the door in his face, and gets a solid round of applause. 

Rose is convinced that they’d be safer if they lived with men. She was never once robbed or murdered when she lived with Charles. Dorothy thinks she could just have easily been robbed or murdered with Charles. Sophia is surprised she wasn’t murdered BY Charles. Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh - why do they keep calling him Charles??? And why do they keep saying his name over and over???? Blanche, get us out of this please! Ok, she will. When Blanche used to hear noises she would wake her husband George, search for the bullets to his gun, and then make love. It’s a short story, but, a good one. 

They could all use some dinner. But wait! There’s the sound effect of a large dog barking coming from the kitchen. What?? What the hell is that? Ohhhhhhhh, they forgot ALL about the fact that they got a guard dog! They forgot?? How exactly does one forget such a thing? Well, now they’re too afraid to go into the kitchen, lest the sound effect dog attack them. We’ve got an inconsistency alert here - Rose says she can’t go into the kitchen because she’s afraid of large dogs. Except for the multiple other times on the show where she shows that she loves all dogs, any dogs, size not withstanding. We'll let it pass 'cause she's not in her right mind. They need to get rid of the dog, or they’ll never be able to eat again. So, Dorothy leaves to call the kennel. Blanche laments the fact that she has a date tonight and no jewelry to wear. And then:

Rose: I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people. In Little Falls the jeweler was Jewish. Jewelry, Jewish - I wonder if there’s a connection. 

Sophia: I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.

Ummmm…. Charles… fear of big dogs… and now… Little Falls??? Rose Nylund, do I even know you anymore?!?!?!

Sophia takes her get up and go and gets up and goes into the kitchen. We hear Sound Effect Attack Dog start barking. Naturally, Rose and Blanche run in after Sophia to save her. No, wait. No, they don’t. They stand in the living room and yell for Dorothy. Dorothy runs in and the girls still take, in my opinion, way too long to tell Dorothy that they believe Sophia is being viciously attacked. Just as Dorothy goes to save her mother, Sophia emerges from the kitchen. The dog is a pussycat. He hid under the table, peed on the floor and ran out the back. Well, that very neatly gets rid of that little side story, doesn’t it! And with that, Sophia takes a bite of the worlds biggest potato chip. 

Scarlett O’Hara Blanche, is lying on the couch with her nursemaid Dorothy, putting cold compresses on her forehead. What’s happened to her? Stay tuned. Rose comes in and sets off the alarm. She was in a rush because she mistook the gardener for a prowler. Uh oh - the paranoia level is being cranked up for our dear Rose. She sees Blanche on the couch and immediately concludes that she's been attacked. Close, says Blanche. You see, she went to the police station to check on her stolen jewelry report. Being Florida, it’s pretty humid out. So, to combat cotton candy hair, Blanche borrowed Rose’s pocket hairspray. When she saw a cute officer (Not Sgt.Zbornak), she spritzed, only to discover that it wasn’t hairspray, it was mace! She maced herself in the police station! And, to make it even worse, the cops thought that she was on drugs! They tried to arrest her while she was down on the floor writhing in pain.  (This, btw, is one of my top favorite Blanche moments in the series. This little monologue has such a great build to it, and Rue executes it flawlessly. It makes me laugh every time.) 

Blanche: Murderers are free, rapists are free. But, a poor widow on the floor they try to lock up. Who’d I hurt? Maaaaaaaay??

Ok, so, she's actually saying - Who’d I hurt, me? But, she gives it the ole Patti LuPone treatment and wrestles that vowel into submission, and it’s freaking fabulous. And on top of that, she’s doing it all while wearing a fabulous satin pajama pant suit.

Rose to the rescue! On her way back from the yarn store, Rose stopped off and bought a gun! This should end well, right? Oy. Dorothy votes “nay” on the gun. Blanche votes “Go ahead and shoot ‘em up, good for you, Rose” on the gun. Dorothy is convinced that Rose has lost it and needs professional help. All the girls will go together. As Rose considers this, Sophia enters upstage with a bowl of pretzels. And as Rose thinks, the camera takes an oddly sloooooow zoom into Sophia. Dorothy and Rose are talking about serious stuff, but, that camera is telling us “Waaaaatch Sophia. Waaaaaatch Sophia.” So we do. And she buttons the scene with:

Sophia: You’ve got nothing to fear but fear itself. (Takes a bite of pretzel) And, of course, the bogeyman. 

So, to recap - monologues, and using snack foods for emphasis are our “go to’s” this episode. Apparently. 

The girls are back from their therapy session. Dorothy is in another double breasted something or other. And Blanche is skipping around like she was just made queen of the May picnic. 

Naturally, Blanche believes that the therapist wants to see her again for personal reasons. Not because she endorsed public beheadings. How’s our girl Rose, though? Sorry to say, not good. This was her last hope, and she still doesn’t feel any better. In fact, she’s taken to sleeping during the day, and then staying up all night with her gun. 

So let’s see how that goes. Cut to night time. All is quiet when there is the sound of rustling and voices at the door. The door opens, the alarm goes off, a gunshot is heard! Such drama! The lights come on and we see that it is Blanche and her date, Lester at the door. And Rose, has shot - Blanche’s enormous Chinese vase that sat by the door. Blanche is devastated. She loved that vase. She embraces what’s left of it. Lester bids a hasty farewell and Blanche could not care less about it. In fact, she’d rather Rose shot Lester! Harsh. 

Well, the gunshot gets everyone out of bed. And everyone is obviously furious that Rose has actually shot the gun! How can the feelings be summed up best? Well, by Sophia, of course! And no snack foods needed this time.

Sophia: I manage to live 80, 85 years. I survive pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I’ll belch, and Stable Mable here’ll blow my head off!

Bam. A top Sophia moment for the series too. And additionally, this might be the exact moment where her age starts to get a little fuzzy. 80, 85 years… whatevs. 

Well, this is the breaking point for poor Rose. She admits that she can’t get past the robbery. Sweet lil’ thing just has one of those cries where you can’t catch your breath. Heartbreaking! 

Our next scene is something very unusual for our Golden Girls. It might actually be the only time it happens in the series. Don’t quote me on that, but, it’s possible. It’s a scene actually filmed on location, outdoors. Rose is in a parking garage. She stands out because the garage is dark, and she’s dressed like the unsinkable Molly Brown. Well, she hears footsteps behind her. Uh ohhhh. Rose takes off. And I have to say, I’m impressed with how quickly she’s able to run. In heels, no less! We hear the clickety clack of those heels (not necessarily dubbed in time with her actual footsteps) as she runs like Jason from Halloween is in fast pursuit behind her. Enjoy this collage of the chase:

Does she outrun the killer??? We don’t know yet! The scene cuts out on a man behind Rose, and a close up of her horrified face. Again - such drama today!

Well, Dorothy should know better at the point, but, here she is again. On the lanai, playing games with Sophia. This time it’s Scrabble. Sophia proves that Dorothy is no good at “dis dam” game, and we get the other favorite moment that I quote at the top of this blog every week - the classic Dorothy Zbornak Knuckle Bite™! Huzzah!

Blanche returns with good news. They caught the robbers! And, Dorothy gets her stolen stole back! No luck on Blanche’s jewels though. But, don’t worry, she’s ready to go and testify against the scum. I’m assuming a hanging is in the works. 

Hey look - here comes Molly Brown! Unsunk! And you’ll never guess what she did today! She tells the ladies the tale of the parking garage. And we get to find out what happened at the conclusion! Well, what happened was, she kneed the guy right in the safe deposit box! That’s right, she took him down. And in the process, realized that she wasn’t afraid anymore, and could take care of herself! That’s wonderful! Well, not so wonderful for the guy though. Especially considering that the guy was just the parking attendant trying to give Rose her car keys. Whoops. She might be brought up on charges. But, that’s for later! Now it’s time to celebrate. With champagne. Champagne that Blanche gets from the freezer. And with the champagne, Blanche realizes that the freezer is where her jewels were hiding the entire time!! Oh my gooooooosh. Blanche. What are we going to do with you?? (And I guess Dorothy was wrong. The robbers did NOT look in the freezer.)

Oh well, all's well that ends well, right? Sure. Hey - just noticing - as the ladies are on the lanai - does it look like their house overlooks the beach? I mean, I know it doesn’t, but, in this scene, if you look out into the distance, it sure does. I wonder if we ever see this particular backdrop again, or if they just keep loading up the lanai with more plants until you can’t tell if they’re in Miami or a Rainforest Cafe. We shall see, I guess. 

But for now, put on your stole, pop a cork, and knee someone in the safe deposit box. Celebrate!

Guest Stars: Robert Rothwell - Lester

                      Christian Clemenson  - Security salesman

Fun Fact: Robert Rothwell was on two different Mary Tyler Moore episodes. But, neither of them were episodes that also featured Betty White. In addition, he was also on several episodes of Lou Grant. Total six degrees of separation from The Golden Girls. Maybe that’s a game to think about playing… hmmm…

Fashion Report: This week I'm going with a hybrid. Pastels abounded, so, it was hard to pick which outfit was most enjoyable. But, I really enjoy that once Dorothy gets her stolen stole back that she commits to wearing it over her robe/nightgown/whatever for the rest of the scene. Taking risks. That's my girl. 

It Takes Balls To Bowl Balls (S.1 E.7)

S.1 E.7

The Competition

Written by: Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/2/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Ready, set, bowl! 

Ok, I’m telling you right upfront I love this episode! Yes, I love all the episodes. But, after last week and, ugh… David… this episode is a fabulous palate cleanser. We finally get a real story line for Sophia! Huzzah! And it kicks in immediately. Like, before we even get through the opening credits immediately. We’re still on the establishing shot of the house when we hear the strained strains of Sophia belting out a little Italian ditty. Right away you can tell we’re in for a good time. As we transition inside to the kitchen we see that Sophia is hard at work making sauce. Not just any sauce though. This is her 14 hour sauce. The sauce she only makes for very special occasions. Like, when a relative is finally able to marry off a daughter that looks like Tony Bennett. The siren song of Sophia, along with the smell of the sauce, brings Dorothy and Rose to the kitchen. Dorothy heads straight for the spoons so she can have a sample. Rose heads straight for the knives to put one directly into Sophia’s heart by asking if the sauce is Chef Boyardee.  

Blanche comes in and shows us her shiny new ball. Bowling ball, that is. She bought it to help her and Rose win the annual bowling tournament they’re entered in. Now, the rumor is that the Nielsen twins are unbeatable, but, Blanche and Rose still might have a shot. Either way, Blanche is looking forward to having as good a time this year as they had last year. Right, Rose? Umm, Rose? No. Rose did not have a good time last year. Why? Not sure. But, I’m guessing we’ll find out shortly. But, all this talk of balls has Dorothy intrigued. Maybe she and Sophia should team up and enter the competition. After all, they're both known to be strong bowlers. Well, Sophia shoots down the idea immediately. She’s busy. You see, an old friend from Sicily is coming to visit. Augustine Bagatelli. That name makes me want to go eat spaghetti right now. But, I can’t, because the plot, just like the sauce, is about to thicken. Augustine is more than just an old friend. He and Sophia were engaged! 

Blanche: Well, what do ya know, Sophia has a past!

Sophia: That’s right. But, unlike yours, I didn’t need penicillin to get through it. 

Here’s the scoop - Sophia and Augustine were engaged, he went to fight in the war, and she never heard from him again until today! Well, I’m intrigued. Sophia then goes full on Mama Celeste (arch nemesis) on Blanche who’s been over at the sauce pot dunking half a loaf of bread in for a snack. 

New dawn, new day, new classic Sophia moment. Sophia comes running into the living room wearing her very best Sicilian Widow ensemble and doing her very best Wonder Woman spin to show it off. 

She’s in her widows garb to make it perfectly clear to Augustine that she’s single and ready to mingle. Rose does a drive by through the living room with the second story line - she has taken it upon herself to get Dorothy signed up with a partner for the bowling tournament. She doesn't mention who the partner is though… hmmmm… And with that, we hear the doorbell. Get out your spaghetti everyone, it’s Augustine Bagatelli! And he is so cute, and pint sized, and he and Sophia look like they could just sit right on top of a wedding cake. They look each other up and down and in perfect sync they say: You shrunk! 

Now, those of us in the know, know that Sophia has always been the same height, if we’re to take the flashbacks in future episodes as proof. But, it’s fun to picture a really tall Sophia. Maybe that’s where Dorothy got her height from. Instead of a genetic anomaly, or, her possibly being another couples child. 

Dorothy and her really large, wrinkled shirt leave the two love birds alone to get reacquainted.

Sophia and Augie sit extremely close together on the couch, talk about their departed spouses and then head out for a walk. Rose who's been eavesdropping from the kitchen, thinks the whole thing is very romantic, but, then, of course, that’s Italian men. Always romantic. Rumor has it it’s because of the tight pants. Speaking of tight pants. Let’s get back to talking about balls. Bowling balls, that is. Just as Rose is about to reveal who Dorothy’s partner for the tournament is, a stunned Blanche enters the room. I mean, she is stunned. Just stunned. Stunned, is the only way she can describe how stunned she is. Why is she so stunned? Well, because she saw that Rose has partnered up with Dorothy for the tournament! Oooooooh, scandal on alley 7! You see, here’s the thing - Rose is too competitive. Always has been. And she really wants to win this year! So, she ditched Blanche for Dorothy and her highly skilled meat hooks. Well, the only person more stunned than Blanche, is Dorothy herself! Dorothy does not go for this kind of leisure activity espionage and she refuses to compete with Rose. And now Rose is really in a 7-10 split of a dilemma here, because Blanche has already found herself another partner - Olga Nielsen, one of the Nielsen twins!! That’s right. The twins aren’t playing together this year because Sonia was messing around with Olga’s boyfriend, Lars. (Do these sound like St. Olaf names, or what?) So, Blanche swooped in and now gleefully declares that she cannot wait to whoop Rose’s butt. Hey, while Rose is down and out, why don’t we give a shout out to her awesome primary colors bowling shirt, shall we? 

Wait a minute. Do you see what I see?? Up on the wall in the right hand corner?? 

YES!!! It’s Phallic Lobster!!!!! SO glad that he’s finally joined the cast. And, I look forward to him being moved up to a cast regular on a more prominent wall in the future. To paraphrase Sweeney Todd: At last, my kitchen is complete!

Rose pleads with Dorothy to be her partner. And Dot finally gives in. Rose is pretty persuasive when she's desperately seeking vengeance at the bowling alley.

As if there weren’t already enough plants on the lanai - Dorothy is potting some more. And wearing the same bad sweatsuit from last week. Sophia, just back from a date at the mall food court with Augie, has some news. Augie wants her to join him back in Sicily for the San Gennaro Festival. Dorothy makes the mistake of thinking that Sophia is asking her permission to go, and tells her, no way. Well, as we know, Sophia is a bad ass and don’t ask permission from nobody for nothing. She’s going. Take that! Wait, wait… she needs to borrow $1200 for the flights. Ok, so, maybe she’s not going. That’s a shame. 

Ok, now, the rest of this scene is leisure activity espionage taken to the highest level. So, let’s just make it simple. 

1. Sophia is mad at Dorothy for not letting her go to Sicily. 
2. Rose has decided to now drop Dorothy as her partner for the tournament. 
3. Whaaaaaaaat, you say??
4. That’s right. Rose has grabbed the other Nielsen twin in order to lock down her victory. 
5. Wait a minute, says Blanche, the twins are now back together, because Lars dropped dead!
6. So, none of the girls have partners now?
7. Wait a minute, says Dorothy, she’ll be happy to partner with Blanche to get revenge on Rose. 
8. But, what about Rose? 
9. No problem, says Sophia, she’ll be happy to partner with Rose to get revenge on Dorothy. 

Ok! So, as we probably could have guessed long ago, the girls are now partnered up with each other. This makes for better comedy, and a better budget because now they don’t have to actually hire any actors to play the Nielsen twins. Good. Settled. 

I’m not a morning person. And neither is Blanche. So, the only way that Dorothy can get her up and out at 6am for bowling practice, is to deepen that Dorothy husk and pretend to be a man whose wife is on her way home. 

Cruel, but effective. They need to practice as much as possible. After all, Blanche was dumped by Rose, and if there’s one thing Blanche can’t stand, it’s being dumped. Men, be aware - if you dump Blanche Devereaux, she will not take it kindly. And she’ll also go sleep with your brother. FYI. As the ladies try to sneak out, who should they run into? Why it’s Rose and Sophia returning from practice at what must clearly be a 24 hour bowling alley. These girls are not messing around. So much so that Sophia proposes a side bet. If she and Rose win, Sophia gets to go to Italy with Augie. Ok, fine, but, if Dorothy and Blanche win, Dorothy gets the silver earrings that Sophia never lets her wear. Done deal. 

OOH, it IS a 24 hour bowling alley! It says so right on the sign in the stock footage bowling alley exterior shot! And these girls came to play! Blanche is in her Betty Rizzo Pink Ladies bowling shirt with matching hair ribbon. And, Dorothy is in this double breasted blue and yellow something or other. You don’t get a lot of double breasted fashion at the bowling alley, I’d think. But, that’s what it is. Well, here come Rose and Sophia. And, they’ve brought some psychological warfare. The girls are wearing the same shirts as Blanche! Psych!!

Blanche: You are wearing my bowling outfit.

Rose: Well, I do believe you’re right. Oh, don’t worry about it, honey, no one will notice. It looks so different on a woman with a full bosom. 

Blanche: Don’t you throw your bosom in my face!

Ok, so they’re getting to Blanche a bit. But, Dorothy won’t fall for those cheap tricks. Or, maybe she will. Like, immediately. All it took was Rose addressing Sophia as “Ma.” No one calls her “Ma” except Dorothy, ok? Got it? Let’s bowl! Sophia’s up first with the worlds slowest moving ball. But, it’s a strike! Good for you, Sophia. I like your style. Dorothy is off to a terrible start when Rose offers “Ma” another hot dog. I don’t actually know if there was even a first hot dog, but, Rose offers another one either way. And it’s enough to cause Dorothy to throw the ball backwards. Yeah, that’s gonna be an open frame. Sorry, Dot. Get it together, girl. 

Fast forward. Rose gets a spare, to put her and Sophia into first place. A crowd gathers, and one extra looks like she’s chomping on a Twizzler in the back ground. She might want to grab another one, because this game isn’t over yet. Dorothy and Blanche still have one more frame to bowl. Well, this is when Blanche’s deep, dark secret is revealed. When the chips are down… Blanche chokes. So sayeth, Rose. Eat Chalk, so sayeth, Blanche. It’s true. But, Dorothy does her best to calm her down. Giving her a tender speech of encouragement coupled with a threat to throw her down the alley. Maybe Blanche would feel better knowing she could get a Turkey Delight from the snack bar behind her for just $1.39 afterwards? Or, something called Super Beef for $1.49? Maybe not. I mean, it sounds delightful to me. But, the pressure is just too much. All Blanche really wanted was to look cute in her new outfit. Forgive me for going a little gif crazy this time around, but, I just couldn’t resist this last one. Because they all look cute in Blanche’s outfit. 

Well, that was all the motivation Blanche needed to get back on the horse, as it were, and triumph! Well, not exactly triumph in the traditional sense. She knocks down two pins. But, Dorothy will bring this one home. All she needs is to pick up a spare she's hit a hundred times. An anxious Augie joins us, to find out if Sophia can go with him to Italy. We shall see. Our little Italian cake topper couple is being downright adorable together. So much so, that a glance from Dorothy tells us everything we need to know. She misses the easy spare. Rose rejoices as if she were a ball player on steroids. And Sophia happily runs off to (immediately?) go to Sicily. 

Sophia and her hat with no top to it have returned safely from Sicily. 

As Dorothy relaxes in her latest fabric swath, Sophia fills her in on what a lovely time her and Augie had. She then gives Dorothy the earrings promised in the bet. Why? Because she knows full well that Dorothy missed that spare on purpose. Awww, sweet. But, no one is sweet on Rose at the moment after her behavior throughout the entire bowling fiasco. But, she’s trying to make up for it. She’s had all of the girls names engraved on the trophy. Awwww, that’s sweet too…

Wait…

With her name bigger than everyone else’s. 

Because she’s the one who actually won it. 

And it will be in her room if you ever want to see it. 

Damn. Rose is a baller. 

A bowling baller. Get it? 

Guest Star: Ralph Manza

Fun Fact: Ralph Manza appeared on almost every television show from the 70’s and 80’s you can think of, including an episode of Mama’s Family - but, unfortunately it was not one of the episodes that featured Rue McClanahan or Betty White. He was also on an episode of Fantasy Island with Charo. This has nothing to do with the Golden Girls, but, I’m mentioning it just because you should mention Charo any time you can. 

Fashion Report: I’d like to pay tribute to the unheralded star of this weeks episode. The oddly placed pink satin ribbon that Blanche wears in her hair when she participates in sports! I thought you’d fall out, oddly placed ribbon. But, you didn’t. Good on you. 

Oy, this guy. (S.1 E.6)

S.1 E.6

On Golden Girls

Written by: Liz Sage

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 10/26/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry  - Ok, here’s the latest internet Golden Girls sensation. Ok, well, maybe it’s not the latest, and maybe it’s not a sensation, but, it was new to me. So, I pass it along to you. Enjoy it. For all 5 hours. 

Dorothy Screams Condoms

We begin our story today, already in some cozy robes! Yay! Rose and Dorothy are apparently having a bit of a layabout this morning. Enjoying their coffee while the 80 year old makes breakfast. (Still 80). Blanche enters and is very upset. Because she has cellulite? No. Those are dimples. She’s upset because her daughter, Janet (the unseen troublemaker) needs to go to Hawaii to work on her marriage. In order to go and do that, she needs to leave her 14 year old son with Blanche for two weeks. Well, this is very upsetting to Blanche. Oh wait, no, sorry, this is MORE upsetting to Dorothy! Quelle suprise. Dorothy, understanding as ever, is apparently taking a French course and is just positive this will disrupt her study time! And, if she fails her final, she’ll never be voted Prom Queen! Oh wait… she finds a way around that… in a few years. Anyway, Sophia reminds Dorothy of the importance of being there for family. Good. Settled. The boy will stay. But, wait. What to do with a 14 year old for two weeks?? Well, have no fear, Cozy Robed Rose is here! She lists all the tourist attractions she can think of - Disney World, The Seaquarium, The Everglades, Rambo. Yup, Rose is a Rambo fan. Wouldn’t have seen that one coming. Although, Rose does mention later in the series that Charlie was hung like a bull (or better), so, I guess Rose is into the studs. Good for her. I also think this can count as one of our Dated References, don’t you? And, guess what? Sophia is a fan too. Sophia saw Rambo twice and really enjoys that sweaty, shirtless man. Good for you too, Sophia. Live your life. Get it. 

Another day, another opportunity for Sophia to blend in to the upholstery. 

Not my favorite color scheme, but nobody can pull off salmon colored miniature polyester pants like our Sophia. Sophia is apprehensive about sharing a bedroom with Dorothy when young David comes to stay at the house. I mean, we’re all imagining that Dorothy snores like a freight train, right? She denies it, but, Sophia tells us that it’s so bad that she imagines less disgusting noises coming out of Ernest Borgnine!  - As a side note, if you haven’t yet, do yourself a favor and get a copy of Ethel Merman’s autobiography. Read the chapter detailing her marriage to Ernest Borgnine. You’ll enjoy it. - Ok, Rose joins us and describes the special snack she’s prepared for David. I mean, what a sweetheart, right? Going through the trouble of preparing a triple decker BLT, a hearty helping of home made potato salad and a great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake all for a young man she’s never met. I love Rose. She’s the salt of the earth. And I would kill for a slice of that cake right now. Anyway, Blanche returns from the airport in an amazing electric violet dress. 

But, that’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that she is without David! Where is he? Excellent question. He got on the plane, that we know, but, he never got off! Wow, a mystery! Well, this is sure to develop into quite the tale of - wait - is that the doorbell? Yep. Ok, never mind. There he is. David arrives at the house accompanied by an extra from one of the Police Academy movies. 

As it turns out, David took a little stowaway detour and wound up in the Bahamas. Of course, it wasn’t his fault. No, no, noooooo. He’s clearly a fine, upstanding boy. You can tell by that black leather jacket he’s wearing. 

Officer Rockin’ Shades warns Blanche to keep an eye on this kid. And in return, Blanche makes a pass at the officer. Dorothy heckles her, the officer retreats and we’re left with David. Ugh, David. Blanche forgives him because she’s an ole softie. Everyone is introduced and David acts like a jerk. I mean, he’s trying to mask it a bit, by giving Rose a hip hand shake, but, yeah, kid’s a jerk. Almost immediately he slips out saying he’s going to find some kids his age to hang around with and that he doesn’t know what time he’ll be back home. 

David: Hard to say. Depends on how late the guys from Miami Vice want to party. (snide laugh)

Another Dated Reference! Yay! Miami Vice - referenced more than once on the series, is probably just about as 80’s as you can possibly get. The only thing more 80’s would be if they referenced a Cabbage Patch doll, wearing leg warmers, playing with a Teddy Ruxpin. Just hearing the words “Miami Vice” makes me want to push up my sleeves, put on some Phil Collins and pop open a Tab. If you’re not familiar with the show kids, go look it up. It’s got Don Johnson (go look him up too), drug dealers, and a guy named Tubbs. It’s Peak 80’s. 

Sophia points out the obvious - that David deserves a good smack - with a melon baller. Agreed. Circle gets the square. But, Blanche doesn’t believe in hitting children. Rose begins to tell the story of how she was punished as a child - milking Alice the cow. The cow that had to sit on a stool. The cow that had to sit on a stool because of a terrible plowing accident. The cow that had to sit on a stool because of a terrible plowing accident because Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf and - wait! The rest of the story will be saved for later. As David’s punishment. And with that, the three ladies stop, drop and roll out of the living room, leaving poor, sweet Rose all alone. Don’t be blue, Rose. Go have a slice of that cake!

Later that evening in Sophia’s room, oh no we’ve got Sophia sans glasses again! But, it’s ok cause she looks cute in her jammies. Dorothy, trying to get some late night studying in, looks pretty comfy in hers too. Sophia goes through her ablutions and gets into bed. Dorothy tries to stick with the books because she is determined to get an "A" on this test. But, gives up once Sophia complains that the noise of her pencil is disturbing her. Now, just as an FYI, if you ever find yourself in Sophia’s room, don’t be thrown by the fact that, apparently, the light on Sophia’s side of the bed is turned off just by touching it, and the light on Dorothy’s side of the bed is turned off by twisting a knob. Even though the lights are exactly the same, AND it doesn’t even look like there even IS any type of knob or switch on the lights. This is entirely possible and not just an inconsistency in acting choices. Just don’t be thrown by it, OK?  Ok, so, now our new roomies are in bed together, and you just know this isn’t going to go well. But, this is another one of my favorite regular bits with the girls. Any time they find themselves in bed with each other. Besides the fact that the beds always look incredibly comfortable, the scenes are always funny. So, the more these ladies are in bed together, the better. And this particular encounter has a great bit of dialogue that I truly love:

Dorothy: What’s that smell?

Sophia: I don’t smell anything.

Dorothy: Are you wearing something?

Sophia: A little Ben Gay on my knees… A little Vicks on my chest… A little Deep Heat on my neck.

Dorothy: What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you’ll live to be 100?

Sophia: Fine, I’ll wipe it off, tomorrow I’ll be in a wheelchair. 

Dorothy: Goodnight.

Sophia: Goodnight. 

(Dorothy thrashes around sheets)

Sophia: Keep it up, I’ll need a Dramamine. 

See? Now, that’s fun dialogue. And then they transition into reminiscing about when Dorothy was a little girl and would join Sophia in bed whenever she had a nightmare. It’s a sweet moment between the two of them. And with that, they fade off to  - DRUM CRASH! GUITAR THRASH! What is that racket??!!!

Why, it’s David! Oy, that guy! And he’s brought in three other jerks just like him! Mullet, Short Shorts, and Rat Tail. This is gonna be a showdown, folks. A West Side Story type showdown. Except instead of The Sharks vs. The Jets, it’s The Cozy Robes vs. The You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me With These Kids Especially This One With The Blonde Rat Tail. You see, David was bored, so, he went out, met some hooligans, bought some pizza and decided to have a party. And when confronted by the ladies, Mullet disses the ladies with a support hose crack! Well, that’s that. Bring in the heavy shoulder pads. Dot kicks the boys out lickety split. David (that guy!) is mad. Like, really mad. Like, totally teenager mad. So, he makes a few more smart remarks and then tells the girls that they can: Kiss his attitude! Welp, if you were waiting for Sophia’s last straw - that was it. She hauls off and slaps him! With no melon baller handy, she uses her hand. It’s quelle dramatique. The way she gently raises her hand to him and he perfectly times his face turning and going with the slap. A very nicely staged slap. Well done, actors. The slap gets a nervous round of applause which builds into a pretty solid round of applause. Who’s not so thrilled with the slap? Well, several people. But, first on the list is Blanche. 

Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?

Sophia: No. We also know how to make love and sing opera. 

Blanche follows David out on to the lanai and we begin to see the cracks in his armor. He’s angry. He wants to go home. Blanche, who really has been nothing but sweet to him, wants to take care of him. But, David rejects her attempts to reach out and explains that he’s better off taking care of himself. That’s what he has to do at home, because his parents don’t even know he exists. Ahhhhhhhh, ok, we’re getting to it now. But, we’ll dive more into this another day. 

How about the next day? In the kitchen? Sure, sounds good. Dorothy and Blanche have come up with a list of chores for David to do in order to give him some structure and teach him responsibility. Blanche is feeling guilty that she never gave that kind of structure to her own daughter. And, Rose is wearing an all pink extravaganza and talking about a one eyed pig.  

Sophia, by the way, is also making an interesting choice this morning. 

Anyway, The girls decide this seems to be the best way to handle The David situation. Considering that being disciplined and doing chores worked so well for Dorothy when she was being brought up in military school. Oh no, wait. That wasn’t military school. That was just living with Sophia. And Sophia knows about chores. I mean:

SOPHIA: Crossing the street without getting pregnant was a chore in Sicily.

Blanche exits, and, wait just one second! Where’s the lobster? Have we seen it yet?? Did someone steal the phallic lobster??

Probs that jerk, David. 

Fast forward to sometime in the middle of the night. David is sneaking out, but Inspector Dorothy is on the case. She then re-enacts a classic Dragnet episode where she plays BOTH the good cop and the bad cop. She tries some classic reverse psychology. She uses phrases like, so you’re just gonna wimp out, buddy boy, and, things are tough at home and that stinks. It’s beautiful. I can’t really do it justice here, but, I love it. So, go watch it. She's Officer Krupke. She's Jimmy Cagney. She's the entire cast of Hill Street Blues. She, of course, manages to bond with the little twerp and gets him to stay, telling him that when things get too tough at home, he now has a place he can come to escape. 

Who’s in the mood for a party on the lanai? I am! Do you have any paper lanterns to string up? Why yes, we do! Our ladies and “gentleman” are celebrating. Why? because Dorothy got an “A” in her French class - Magnifique! Dorothy commemorates the occasion by wearing a horrible sweatsuit, and raising a glass to David - who has apparently turned himself around in the week since we last saw him.

In fact, everything is going so well that David drops the bombshell that he wants to live with the ladies permanently! Hoo boy. No, no, no. That’s, just…. no, David. No. His announcement is met with the awkward silence it deserves. Sophia breaks it to suggest they go and get some ice cream, giving Blanche a chance to call her daughter Janet. So, Blanche bench presses a really large phone and makes the call. Blanche tells Janet that she has decided to raise David herself, since Janet and her husband don’t seem to have the time to do it. Janet, of course, sasses back and says she’s coming to get her son. Blanche agrees, but first she gives Janet the old what for and threatens that they had better give David the love and attention he deserves. And, if they don’t? They’re in for a butt kicking. Dorothy and Rose are impressed by Blanche’s bluff. Ahhhhh, but it wasn’t a bluff, sayeth Blanche. She would love to have the chance to raise another child and fix the mistakes she made on the first go round. Awwww, Blanche. Click, click, click, she goes inside. 

Is this a two parter? I mean, it’s not, but man, oh man does it feel like one. Let’s get this kid out of here, already! We’re all at the door bidding David a fond farewell. Wait a minute - his parents didn’t come to get him!? He’s going to meet them in Hawaii. I mean, that’s cool and all, but, what happened to Janet coming to get him?? Where did that go? That scene JUST happened. Let’s just ignore it, I guess.  Anyway, we’re supposed to like David now because he’s no longer a jerk. We can tell this because he’s now switched over to light colored clothes and a denim jacket. Subtle, Judy. The girls each give their parting words of wisdom. Dorothy reiterates that if things get tough at home, he can always return. I guess things worked out, since we never see him again. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever even referenced again! Well, no news is good news, I suppose. They all have their parting hugs. Rose gets another hip hand shake, and Sophia goes to give him a playful tap and then squeezes his cheek that way that everyone hates. And with that, he’s off. And with that, Sophia makes one last comment about Dorothy snoring. And with that, I’m thrilled to be finished with this 12 part documentary on the uses of melon ballers. 

Guest Star: Billy Jacoby

Fun Fact: Billy Jacoby (now known as Billy Jayne) is the younger brother of Scott Jacoby. You’ll find Scott Jacoby in future episodes of The Golden Girls playing Dorothy’s son, Michael Zbornak. Small world, isn’t it? 

Fashion Report: Ok, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. Or, rather, the elephant sized shoulder pads that Dorothy was saddled with this week! I didn’t mention them up till now for fear of being smothered by the very thought of them. But, that won’t make them go away. So, let’s deal with it. I was tempted to give Outfit of the Day to Dorothy’s horrific peach sweatsuit, but, I just have to give it to this ensemble because it’s an architectural feat! And a reminder to never piss off Judy Evans. I mean, shoulder pads -  Bea doesn't need 'em, shouldn't wear 'em. Is Judy getting revenge on Bea  for some past grievance with these costumes? I guess we’ll never really know. But, for this week, bigger is better. Or, at least, bigger. I can’t look away!

Aggghhhh!

Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!