S.1 E.8
The Break In
Written by: Susan Harris
Directed by: Paul Bogart
Aired: 11/9/85
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Come on in. The lanai door has a crappy lock.
Night time is the right time for the start of this episode. It's also the right time to start out with a totally awesome dated reference! The girls are at the front door returning from - a Madonna concert! Yaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss. The year is 1985 and the Material Girl is riding high. So, why wouldn’t the four hippest ladies we know go and see her in concert? I realize that it’s not necessarily a dated reference since you can still see Madonna in concert today. Why, just yesterday I saw a video online of Madonna live in Australia singing “Send in the Clowns.” I’d post the link, but, I’m trying to forget it as quickly as possible. No offense to Madonna, of course. Girl has got some serious staying power. But… let’s leave the Sondheim alone, ok? Ok. But, there is just something about seeing our golden girls coming back from a Madonna concert that strikes me as another one of those “Most 1980’s Moments” you can possibly have. The reviews on the concert are mixed. I think you can pretty much guess who thought she was fabulous, who thought she was shocking, who said she’d seen things on stage she never even did with her husband, and who just called her a slut. So, I won’t sort it out here.
The girls enter the house and wooooooooah. Wicker and coral floral upholstery is everywhere. Yikes. They’ve been robbed. Oh boy. The sliding glass doors out to the lanai seem to be the point of entry.
Not sure whether or not the robbers are still there, the girls clutch on to Dorothy’s shoulder pads and she carries them like a 3 headed back pack across the living room. But, they’ve got to make sure that the coast is clear and that they’re safe. So, how to do that? Well, naturally Dorothy will recreate Clint Eastwood’s “Do You Fee Lucky, Huh, Punk, Well, Do You?” monologue from Dirty Harry. She brings herself to center stage and gives the performance of her life.
Ok, no reaction. The thieves must be gone. So, better assess the damage. The only one who doesn’t go and check on her things is Rose. Rose is freaked out. Really freaked out. So much so that she does a monologue too - since monologues, I guess, are the “go to” this episode when characters are uncomfortable. But, since Rose is so freaked out, she actually does her monologue while walking backwards. Why? Cause she's freaked out. I told you that! She walks backwards all the way to the hallway and lands there just in time for Dorothy to scare the crap out of her by sidling up behind her.
Well, they stole her stole! Can you believe it? The one gift Stan gave Dorothy that didn’t require an extension cord, and it was stolen. Bummer.
As any supermodel or Beverly Hills Cop fan will tell you - cocaine was big in the 80’s. But, no matter what Rose thinks - Blanche has not just emerged from the kitchen covered in cocaine. No. She is covered in flour. Strategically placed flour. Including perfect hand prints on one cheek and both boobs. And, her mama’s jewels have been stolen! Ugh. It just keeps getting worse. See, she hid the jewels in the flour. She had no idea that’s the first place robbers look. Second place - the freezer - According to Senior Investigator Dottie Zbornak. The irreplaceable jewels are gone. Woe is Blanche.
The only one who made it off scot free is Sophia. She tries to claim other wise - stating that all of her clothes, girdles included, have been stolen. But, Dottie Zbornak knows her mother all too well. Who in the world would want to steal Sophia’s clothes? It’s at this point that we get the little moment from the credits that I love so much, and quote every week at the top of this blog:
Sophia: Short girl robber, travels a lot, likes drip dry?
Nope, Dot’s not falling for it. Sophia has hidden her clothes, yes she has. Ok, fine. She admits it. She hid her clothes. She hates her clothes. She needs new clothes. I actually love that they just went through the terrifying discovery that they had been robbed, and the first thing Sophia thought to do was go and hide all her clothes so she could get a new wardrobe. I love this woman.
A lot of debate follows on why they were robbed - bad karma, being single, massive unemployment and a crappy lock on the door - whatever. The fact remains that they’ve got to deal with it. And one person who is still not dealing with it all that well is Rose. Poor thing just looks petrified. Blanche, on the other hand, is ready for a good old fashioned hanging. Maybe a whipping first and then a hanging. And maybe when she talks about whipping people she’s a little bit turned on.
A smarmy salesman is now trying to sell the girls a security system. He’s using the classic technique of scaring the crap out of them with horrible statistics in order to up sell them. It seems to be working on Rose. Blanche would like all burglars to be immediately electrocuted. (Reasonable) But, Sgt. Zbornak is not having it. She pushes the salesman out the door while informing him that they will be getting a basic security system from his competitor because she will not be bullied into spending more money than they have. Just as Dorothy is about to run out of breath she spits out her last line, slams the door in his face, and gets a solid round of applause.
Rose is convinced that they’d be safer if they lived with men. She was never once robbed or murdered when she lived with Charles. Dorothy thinks she could just have easily been robbed or murdered with Charles. Sophia is surprised she wasn’t murdered BY Charles. Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh - why do they keep calling him Charles??? And why do they keep saying his name over and over???? Blanche, get us out of this please! Ok, she will. When Blanche used to hear noises she would wake her husband George, search for the bullets to his gun, and then make love. It’s a short story, but, a good one.
They could all use some dinner. But wait! There’s the sound effect of a large dog barking coming from the kitchen. What?? What the hell is that? Ohhhhhhhh, they forgot ALL about the fact that they got a guard dog! They forgot?? How exactly does one forget such a thing? Well, now they’re too afraid to go into the kitchen, lest the sound effect dog attack them. We’ve got an inconsistency alert here - Rose says she can’t go into the kitchen because she’s afraid of large dogs. Except for the multiple other times on the show where she shows that she loves all dogs, any dogs, size not withstanding. We'll let it pass 'cause she's not in her right mind. They need to get rid of the dog, or they’ll never be able to eat again. So, Dorothy leaves to call the kennel. Blanche laments the fact that she has a date tonight and no jewelry to wear. And then:
Rose: I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people. In Little Falls the jeweler was Jewish. Jewelry, Jewish - I wonder if there’s a connection.
Sophia: I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.
Ummmm…. Charles… fear of big dogs… and now… Little Falls??? Rose Nylund, do I even know you anymore?!?!?!
Sophia takes her get up and go and gets up and goes into the kitchen. We hear Sound Effect Attack Dog start barking. Naturally, Rose and Blanche run in after Sophia to save her. No, wait. No, they don’t. They stand in the living room and yell for Dorothy. Dorothy runs in and the girls still take, in my opinion, way too long to tell Dorothy that they believe Sophia is being viciously attacked. Just as Dorothy goes to save her mother, Sophia emerges from the kitchen. The dog is a pussycat. He hid under the table, peed on the floor and ran out the back. Well, that very neatly gets rid of that little side story, doesn’t it! And with that, Sophia takes a bite of the worlds biggest potato chip.
Blanche: Murderers are free, rapists are free. But, a poor widow on the floor they try to lock up. Who’d I hurt? Maaaaaaaay??
Ok, so, she's actually saying - Who’d I hurt, me? But, she gives it the ole Patti LuPone treatment and wrestles that vowel into submission, and it’s freaking fabulous. And on top of that, she’s doing it all while wearing a fabulous satin pajama pant suit.
Rose to the rescue! On her way back from the yarn store, Rose stopped off and bought a gun! This should end well, right? Oy. Dorothy votes “nay” on the gun. Blanche votes “Go ahead and shoot ‘em up, good for you, Rose” on the gun. Dorothy is convinced that Rose has lost it and needs professional help. All the girls will go together. As Rose considers this, Sophia enters upstage with a bowl of pretzels. And as Rose thinks, the camera takes an oddly sloooooow zoom into Sophia. Dorothy and Rose are talking about serious stuff, but, that camera is telling us “Waaaaatch Sophia. Waaaaaatch Sophia.” So we do. And she buttons the scene with:
Sophia: You’ve got nothing to fear but fear itself. (Takes a bite of pretzel) And, of course, the bogeyman.
So, to recap - monologues, and using snack foods for emphasis are our “go to’s” this episode. Apparently.
The girls are back from their therapy session. Dorothy is in another double breasted something or other. And Blanche is skipping around like she was just made queen of the May picnic.
Naturally, Blanche believes that the therapist wants to see her again for personal reasons. Not because she endorsed public beheadings. How’s our girl Rose, though? Sorry to say, not good. This was her last hope, and she still doesn’t feel any better. In fact, she’s taken to sleeping during the day, and then staying up all night with her gun.
So let’s see how that goes. Cut to night time. All is quiet when there is the sound of rustling and voices at the door. The door opens, the alarm goes off, a gunshot is heard! Such drama! The lights come on and we see that it is Blanche and her date, Lester at the door. And Rose, has shot - Blanche’s enormous Chinese vase that sat by the door. Blanche is devastated. She loved that vase. She embraces what’s left of it. Lester bids a hasty farewell and Blanche could not care less about it. In fact, she’d rather Rose shot Lester! Harsh.
Well, the gunshot gets everyone out of bed. And everyone is obviously furious that Rose has actually shot the gun! How can the feelings be summed up best? Well, by Sophia, of course! And no snack foods needed this time.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 85 years. I survive pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I’ll belch, and Stable Mable here’ll blow my head off!
Bam. A top Sophia moment for the series too. And additionally, this might be the exact moment where her age starts to get a little fuzzy. 80, 85 years… whatevs.
Well, this is the breaking point for poor Rose. She admits that she can’t get past the robbery. Sweet lil’ thing just has one of those cries where you can’t catch your breath. Heartbreaking!
Our next scene is something very unusual for our Golden Girls. It might actually be the only time it happens in the series. Don’t quote me on that, but, it’s possible. It’s a scene actually filmed on location, outdoors. Rose is in a parking garage. She stands out because the garage is dark, and she’s dressed like the unsinkable Molly Brown. Well, she hears footsteps behind her. Uh ohhhh. Rose takes off. And I have to say, I’m impressed with how quickly she’s able to run. In heels, no less! We hear the clickety clack of those heels (not necessarily dubbed in time with her actual footsteps) as she runs like Jason from Halloween is in fast pursuit behind her. Enjoy this collage of the chase:
Does she outrun the killer??? We don’t know yet! The scene cuts out on a man behind Rose, and a close up of her horrified face. Again - such drama today!
Well, Dorothy should know better at the point, but, here she is again. On the lanai, playing games with Sophia. This time it’s Scrabble. Sophia proves that Dorothy is no good at “dis dam” game, and we get the other favorite moment that I quote at the top of this blog every week - the classic Dorothy Zbornak Knuckle Bite™! Huzzah!
Blanche returns with good news. They caught the robbers! And, Dorothy gets her stolen stole back! No luck on Blanche’s jewels though. But, don’t worry, she’s ready to go and testify against the scum. I’m assuming a hanging is in the works.
Hey look - here comes Molly Brown! Unsunk! And you’ll never guess what she did today! She tells the ladies the tale of the parking garage. And we get to find out what happened at the conclusion! Well, what happened was, she kneed the guy right in the safe deposit box! That’s right, she took him down. And in the process, realized that she wasn’t afraid anymore, and could take care of herself! That’s wonderful! Well, not so wonderful for the guy though. Especially considering that the guy was just the parking attendant trying to give Rose her car keys. Whoops. She might be brought up on charges. But, that’s for later! Now it’s time to celebrate. With champagne. Champagne that Blanche gets from the freezer. And with the champagne, Blanche realizes that the freezer is where her jewels were hiding the entire time!! Oh my gooooooosh. Blanche. What are we going to do with you?? (And I guess Dorothy was wrong. The robbers did NOT look in the freezer.)
Oh well, all's well that ends well, right? Sure. Hey - just noticing - as the ladies are on the lanai - does it look like their house overlooks the beach? I mean, I know it doesn’t, but, in this scene, if you look out into the distance, it sure does. I wonder if we ever see this particular backdrop again, or if they just keep loading up the lanai with more plants until you can’t tell if they’re in Miami or a Rainforest Cafe. We shall see, I guess.
But for now, put on your stole, pop a cork, and knee someone in the safe deposit box. Celebrate!
Guest Stars: Robert Rothwell - Lester
Christian Clemenson - Security salesman
Fun Fact: Robert Rothwell was on two different Mary Tyler Moore episodes. But, neither of them were episodes that also featured Betty White. In addition, he was also on several episodes of Lou Grant. Total six degrees of separation from The Golden Girls. Maybe that’s a game to think about playing… hmmm…
Fashion Report: This week I'm going with a hybrid. Pastels abounded, so, it was hard to pick which outfit was most enjoyable. But, I really enjoy that once Dorothy gets her stolen stole back that she commits to wearing it over her robe/nightgown/whatever for the rest of the scene. Taking risks. That's my girl.
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