S.1 E.6
On Golden Girls
Written by: Liz Sage
Directed by: Jim Drake
Aired: 10/26/85
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Ok, here’s the latest internet Golden Girls sensation. Ok, well, maybe it’s not the latest, and maybe it’s not a sensation, but, it was new to me. So, I pass it along to you. Enjoy it. For all 5 hours.
We begin our story today, already in some cozy robes! Yay! Rose and Dorothy are apparently having a bit of a layabout this morning. Enjoying their coffee while the 80 year old makes breakfast. (Still 80). Blanche enters and is very upset. Because she has cellulite? No. Those are dimples. She’s upset because her daughter, Janet (the unseen troublemaker) needs to go to Hawaii to work on her marriage. In order to go and do that, she needs to leave her 14 year old son with Blanche for two weeks. Well, this is very upsetting to Blanche. Oh wait, no, sorry, this is MORE upsetting to Dorothy! Quelle suprise. Dorothy, understanding as ever, is apparently taking a French course and is just positive this will disrupt her study time! And, if she fails her final, she’ll never be voted Prom Queen! Oh wait… she finds a way around that… in a few years. Anyway, Sophia reminds Dorothy of the importance of being there for family. Good. Settled. The boy will stay. But, wait. What to do with a 14 year old for two weeks?? Well, have no fear, Cozy Robed Rose is here! She lists all the tourist attractions she can think of - Disney World, The Seaquarium, The Everglades, Rambo. Yup, Rose is a Rambo fan. Wouldn’t have seen that one coming. Although, Rose does mention later in the series that Charlie was hung like a bull (or better), so, I guess Rose is into the studs. Good for her. I also think this can count as one of our Dated References, don’t you? And, guess what? Sophia is a fan too. Sophia saw Rambo twice and really enjoys that sweaty, shirtless man. Good for you too, Sophia. Live your life. Get it.
Another day, another opportunity for Sophia to blend in to the upholstery.
Not my favorite color scheme, but nobody can pull off salmon colored miniature polyester pants like our Sophia. Sophia is apprehensive about sharing a bedroom with Dorothy when young David comes to stay at the house. I mean, we’re all imagining that Dorothy snores like a freight train, right? She denies it, but, Sophia tells us that it’s so bad that she imagines less disgusting noises coming out of Ernest Borgnine! - As a side note, if you haven’t yet, do yourself a favor and get a copy of Ethel Merman’s autobiography. Read the chapter detailing her marriage to Ernest Borgnine. You’ll enjoy it. - Ok, Rose joins us and describes the special snack she’s prepared for David. I mean, what a sweetheart, right? Going through the trouble of preparing a triple decker BLT, a hearty helping of home made potato salad and a great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake all for a young man she’s never met. I love Rose. She’s the salt of the earth. And I would kill for a slice of that cake right now. Anyway, Blanche returns from the airport in an amazing electric violet dress.
But, that’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that she is without David! Where is he? Excellent question. He got on the plane, that we know, but, he never got off! Wow, a mystery! Well, this is sure to develop into quite the tale of - wait - is that the doorbell? Yep. Ok, never mind. There he is. David arrives at the house accompanied by an extra from one of the Police Academy movies.
As it turns out, David took a little stowaway detour and wound up in the Bahamas. Of course, it wasn’t his fault. No, no, noooooo. He’s clearly a fine, upstanding boy. You can tell by that black leather jacket he’s wearing.
Officer Rockin’ Shades warns Blanche to keep an eye on this kid. And in return, Blanche makes a pass at the officer. Dorothy heckles her, the officer retreats and we’re left with David. Ugh, David. Blanche forgives him because she’s an ole softie. Everyone is introduced and David acts like a jerk. I mean, he’s trying to mask it a bit, by giving Rose a hip hand shake, but, yeah, kid’s a jerk. Almost immediately he slips out saying he’s going to find some kids his age to hang around with and that he doesn’t know what time he’ll be back home.
David: Hard to say. Depends on how late the guys from Miami Vice want to party. (snide laugh)
Another Dated Reference! Yay! Miami Vice - referenced more than once on the series, is probably just about as 80’s as you can possibly get. The only thing more 80’s would be if they referenced a Cabbage Patch doll, wearing leg warmers, playing with a Teddy Ruxpin. Just hearing the words “Miami Vice” makes me want to push up my sleeves, put on some Phil Collins and pop open a Tab. If you’re not familiar with the show kids, go look it up. It’s got Don Johnson (go look him up too), drug dealers, and a guy named Tubbs. It’s Peak 80’s.
Sophia points out the obvious - that David deserves a good smack - with a melon baller. Agreed. Circle gets the square. But, Blanche doesn’t believe in hitting children. Rose begins to tell the story of how she was punished as a child - milking Alice the cow. The cow that had to sit on a stool. The cow that had to sit on a stool because of a terrible plowing accident. The cow that had to sit on a stool because of a terrible plowing accident because Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf and - wait! The rest of the story will be saved for later. As David’s punishment. And with that, the three ladies stop, drop and roll out of the living room, leaving poor, sweet Rose all alone. Don’t be blue, Rose. Go have a slice of that cake!
Later that evening in Sophia’s room, oh no we’ve got Sophia sans glasses again! But, it’s ok cause she looks cute in her jammies. Dorothy, trying to get some late night studying in, looks pretty comfy in hers too. Sophia goes through her ablutions and gets into bed. Dorothy tries to stick with the books because she is determined to get an "A" on this test. But, gives up once Sophia complains that the noise of her pencil is disturbing her. Now, just as an FYI, if you ever find yourself in Sophia’s room, don’t be thrown by the fact that, apparently, the light on Sophia’s side of the bed is turned off just by touching it, and the light on Dorothy’s side of the bed is turned off by twisting a knob. Even though the lights are exactly the same, AND it doesn’t even look like there even IS any type of knob or switch on the lights. This is entirely possible and not just an inconsistency in acting choices. Just don’t be thrown by it, OK? Ok, so, now our new roomies are in bed together, and you just know this isn’t going to go well. But, this is another one of my favorite regular bits with the girls. Any time they find themselves in bed with each other. Besides the fact that the beds always look incredibly comfortable, the scenes are always funny. So, the more these ladies are in bed together, the better. And this particular encounter has a great bit of dialogue that I truly love:
Dorothy: What’s that smell?
Sophia: I don’t smell anything.
Dorothy: Are you wearing something?
Sophia: A little Ben Gay on my knees… A little Vicks on my chest… A little Deep Heat on my neck.
Dorothy: What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you’ll live to be 100?
Sophia: Fine, I’ll wipe it off, tomorrow I’ll be in a wheelchair.
Dorothy: Goodnight.
Sophia: Goodnight.
(Dorothy thrashes around sheets)
Sophia: Keep it up, I’ll need a Dramamine.
See? Now, that’s fun dialogue. And then they transition into reminiscing about when Dorothy was a little girl and would join Sophia in bed whenever she had a nightmare. It’s a sweet moment between the two of them. And with that, they fade off to - DRUM CRASH! GUITAR THRASH! What is that racket??!!!
Why, it’s David! Oy, that guy! And he’s brought in three other jerks just like him! Mullet, Short Shorts, and Rat Tail. This is gonna be a showdown, folks. A West Side Story type showdown. Except instead of The Sharks vs. The Jets, it’s The Cozy Robes vs. The You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me With These Kids Especially This One With The Blonde Rat Tail. You see, David was bored, so, he went out, met some hooligans, bought some pizza and decided to have a party. And when confronted by the ladies, Mullet disses the ladies with a support hose crack! Well, that’s that. Bring in the heavy shoulder pads. Dot kicks the boys out lickety split. David (that guy!) is mad. Like, really mad. Like, totally teenager mad. So, he makes a few more smart remarks and then tells the girls that they can: Kiss his attitude! Welp, if you were waiting for Sophia’s last straw - that was it. She hauls off and slaps him! With no melon baller handy, she uses her hand. It’s quelle dramatique. The way she gently raises her hand to him and he perfectly times his face turning and going with the slap. A very nicely staged slap. Well done, actors. The slap gets a nervous round of applause which builds into a pretty solid round of applause. Who’s not so thrilled with the slap? Well, several people. But, first on the list is Blanche.
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
Sophia: No. We also know how to make love and sing opera.
Blanche follows David out on to the lanai and we begin to see the cracks in his armor. He’s angry. He wants to go home. Blanche, who really has been nothing but sweet to him, wants to take care of him. But, David rejects her attempts to reach out and explains that he’s better off taking care of himself. That’s what he has to do at home, because his parents don’t even know he exists. Ahhhhhhhh, ok, we’re getting to it now. But, we’ll dive more into this another day.
How about the next day? In the kitchen? Sure, sounds good. Dorothy and Blanche have come up with a list of chores for David to do in order to give him some structure and teach him responsibility. Blanche is feeling guilty that she never gave that kind of structure to her own daughter. And, Rose is wearing an all pink extravaganza and talking about a one eyed pig.
Sophia, by the way, is also making an interesting choice this morning.
Anyway, The girls decide this seems to be the best way to handle The David situation. Considering that being disciplined and doing chores worked so well for Dorothy when she was being brought up in military school. Oh no, wait. That wasn’t military school. That was just living with Sophia. And Sophia knows about chores. I mean:
SOPHIA: Crossing the street without getting pregnant was a chore in Sicily.
Blanche exits, and, wait just one second! Where’s the lobster? Have we seen it yet?? Did someone steal the phallic lobster??
Probs that jerk, David.
Fast forward to sometime in the middle of the night. David is sneaking out, but Inspector Dorothy is on the case. She then re-enacts a classic Dragnet episode where she plays BOTH the good cop and the bad cop. She tries some classic reverse psychology. She uses phrases like, so you’re just gonna wimp out, buddy boy, and, things are tough at home and that stinks. It’s beautiful. I can’t really do it justice here, but, I love it. So, go watch it. She's Officer Krupke. She's Jimmy Cagney. She's the entire cast of Hill Street Blues. She, of course, manages to bond with the little twerp and gets him to stay, telling him that when things get too tough at home, he now has a place he can come to escape.
Who’s in the mood for a party on the lanai? I am! Do you have any paper lanterns to string up? Why yes, we do! Our ladies and “gentleman” are celebrating. Why? because Dorothy got an “A” in her French class - Magnifique! Dorothy commemorates the occasion by wearing a horrible sweatsuit, and raising a glass to David - who has apparently turned himself around in the week since we last saw him.
In fact, everything is going so well that David drops the bombshell that he wants to live with the ladies permanently! Hoo boy. No, no, no. That’s, just…. no, David. No. His announcement is met with the awkward silence it deserves. Sophia breaks it to suggest they go and get some ice cream, giving Blanche a chance to call her daughter Janet. So, Blanche bench presses a really large phone and makes the call. Blanche tells Janet that she has decided to raise David herself, since Janet and her husband don’t seem to have the time to do it. Janet, of course, sasses back and says she’s coming to get her son. Blanche agrees, but first she gives Janet the old what for and threatens that they had better give David the love and attention he deserves. And, if they don’t? They’re in for a butt kicking. Dorothy and Rose are impressed by Blanche’s bluff. Ahhhhh, but it wasn’t a bluff, sayeth Blanche. She would love to have the chance to raise another child and fix the mistakes she made on the first go round. Awwww, Blanche. Click, click, click, she goes inside.
Is this a two parter? I mean, it’s not, but man, oh man does it feel like one. Let’s get this kid out of here, already! We’re all at the door bidding David a fond farewell. Wait a minute - his parents didn’t come to get him!? He’s going to meet them in Hawaii. I mean, that’s cool and all, but, what happened to Janet coming to get him?? Where did that go? That scene JUST happened. Let’s just ignore it, I guess. Anyway, we’re supposed to like David now because he’s no longer a jerk. We can tell this because he’s now switched over to light colored clothes and a denim jacket. Subtle, Judy. The girls each give their parting words of wisdom. Dorothy reiterates that if things get tough at home, he can always return. I guess things worked out, since we never see him again. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever even referenced again! Well, no news is good news, I suppose. They all have their parting hugs. Rose gets another hip hand shake, and Sophia goes to give him a playful tap and then squeezes his cheek that way that everyone hates. And with that, he’s off. And with that, Sophia makes one last comment about Dorothy snoring. And with that, I’m thrilled to be finished with this 12 part documentary on the uses of melon ballers.
Guest Star: Billy Jacoby
Fun Fact: Billy Jacoby (now known as Billy Jayne) is the younger brother of Scott Jacoby. You’ll find Scott Jacoby in future episodes of The Golden Girls playing Dorothy’s son, Michael Zbornak. Small world, isn’t it?
Fashion Report: Ok, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. Or, rather, the elephant sized shoulder pads that Dorothy was saddled with this week! I didn’t mention them up till now for fear of being smothered by the very thought of them. But, that won’t make them go away. So, let’s deal with it. I was tempted to give Outfit of the Day to Dorothy’s horrific peach sweatsuit, but, I just have to give it to this ensemble because it’s an architectural feat! And a reminder to never piss off Judy Evans. I mean, shoulder pads - Bea doesn't need 'em, shouldn't wear 'em. Is Judy getting revenge on Bea for some past grievance with these costumes? I guess we’ll never really know. But, for this week, bigger is better. Or, at least, bigger. I can’t look away!
Aggghhhh!
Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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