JAPAN - Land of Confusion

There was a time in my life when I lived and worked in Japan.

It was the best of times - it was the worst of times. The best of times because my long held dream had finally come true. I was working for Disney. Amazing. I had auditioned, and auditioned, and auditioned for YEARS, and now was finally able to check this goal off my list. I was thrilled - to say the least.

It was the worst of times because I was not used to peeing in a hole in the ground, and having to clarify whether or not there were fish bits in, well... everything I ate. Everything.  NOT that I am dissing Japan. Far from it. How can you hate on a country that is so obsessed with Hello Kitty that they actually have an amusement park dedicated to her?  (Not kidding - San Rio Puroland) It was just, an adjustment.

So, let's talk about this time for a bit, shall we? We shall.

First off, let me mention my audition to get the job. I had flown down to Florida because years of auditioning in NYC had gotten me approximately 1,000 callbacks, and exactly Zero jobs. So, I figured I'd go directly to the source. You know you've auditioned too many times for a company when people in the office (whom you've never met before) see you and say, "Hey, love your new headshots!" You also know you've auditioned too many times when you say to those same office people, "So, do you guys just have a whole cabinet full of my audition tapes that you sit around and watch for fun while drinking margaritas?" And they say, "Well... not margaritas..." But, whatever. I was absolutely ecstatic when I got the job. I always say that I auditioned at noon, was hired by 3, and in EPCOT by 6, alone, crying to myself, "I'm gonna be a part of the magic" (happy sob, sob, sob).

Oh, and as a little sidenote - I called home to tell my parents about it. Know that calling my parents is always an adventure in lunacy. It usually involves one parent close to the phone, and the other yelling things to me, or at the other parent, in the background. Now for this next portion, you'll have to insert for yourself, a Long Island accent on my mother's portion of the conversation.
AJ: Sooooo, I'm done. I auditioned.
Kitty: And, what did they say?
AJ: They said - You're hired!
Kitty: WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: They said I'm hired. I'm going to Japan to be in a multimillion dollar show that has 50 people in it!
Kitty: BOB! SHE'S GOING TO JAPAN TO BE IN A 50 MILLION DOLLAR SHOW!!!!!!
Bob In Background: WHAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: No, Ma - not a 50 million dollar show!
Kitty: WHAT!?!
AJ: It's a multimillion dollar show with 50 people in it! Not a 50 million dollar show! It's not Waterworld!
Kitty: OH, oh... oh, Bob, nevermind, it's got 50 people in it. Well, that's wonderful.

So a few months later, off I went. I had done a little research beforehand. Mainly research on the park, how many times I could go to the park, and how many days off we got so I could spend all of them in the park. And I think I might've checked the weather.

Now, I had done some traveling in Asia before this, so, it was not my first experience there. But, this was my first time in Japan, and, Japan is certainly it's own special place. There's a lot to cover, so, it won't fit into just one blog, but, that's good. It's something we can revisit every now and again for kicks.

I mentioned above going to the bathroom, and eating. Well, let's start with one of those basics. The bathroom situation in Japan is truly a fascinating thing. Mainly because it runs the complete gamut from your wildest dreams come true, to your worst nightmare.

The Japanese have perfected the toilet in ways that you cannot fathom here in America.  They're working on a higher plane. To paraphrase Ilie Nastase about Bjorn Borg: We're building toilets - they're building something else. Ok, so, you see a Japanese toilet, and the first thing you will notice is that there is a whole Captain Kirk like control panel on one of the sides of the seat. Intrigued? You should be. It's a series of buttons and diagrams that you could spend hours playing with. In fact, if you're in Asia with someone for the first time, and they spend an unreasonable amount of time in the bathroom, it's not actually cause for alarm! They're probably just enjoying everything that toilet has to offer. (or possibly dealing with some unexpected fish they ate because who expects fish to be in cracker form????)

The buttons usually consist of several things - that I have titled, The Bidet, The Butt Washer, Temperature Control, Pressure, and on some extra special toilets, The Music Notes. Let me just say this right now if you haven't already figured it out - if you're ever in Japan and come across one of these toilets with all the buttons, ALWAYS PRESS ALL OF THE BUTTONS! Go to town. Get every bit of your moneys worth out of that trip. Life is too short. You never want to go to your grave thinking, "If only..."

The Bidet works like a normal bidet does, it's just included within the toilet. It'll give you a little 'under the hood' refresher right when ya need it. The brilliance though is that you can change the temperature of the water, the pressure of the water, AND the angle at which the water hits you! Completely customizable. Bam. The Butt Washer is very similar to the bidet, except for two things. First - it's nozzle is in a different place within the toilet, thereby hitting at different angles. And, second - the picture indicator for it is a subtle drawing of butt cheeks. So, it makes me giggle. But, again, completely customizable.  Temperature Control and Pressure work with both. Oh, and... the seats themselves are also heated. Have I mentioned that??? That is a stroke of brilliance that is insanely enjoyable. Especially for us ladies. Nothing's worse than a cold toilet seat in the middle of a winter night. Amirite?? And finally we come to - the music notes. What in the what? Right? Well, here again is the perfect combination of the brilliance and the weirdness that make up Japan. The Music Notes (usually a pair of 1/8 notes) are actually, a SOUND EFFECT OF A FLUSH! Yes. You press that button WHILE you're going in order to mask whatever sounds of funkiness you might be making WHILST you go! The Japanese, in some ways, are a very demure culture. So, no one would want to be humiliated by making some funky fish cracker sounds in a public place. And, if you got a problem, yo, they'll solve it. Hence - The Music Notes Button. Of course, what was funny to me was that it completely sounds like a canned sound effect of a flush, not an actual flush. So, the second you use it, everyone around you knows you're doing something funky in there. Your secret is out. But, I guess, on the whole, it's a more pleasant sound to have to listen to.

Sidenote - I spoke so highly of the Japanese toilets, that my parents actually purchased a heated toilet seat for their house. It is AMAZING! When I visit, I actually look forward to having a 'board meeting' or two (euphemism) up in there. 

And, now that you've gotten all the basics - here's an example of the classic Japanese toilet control panel -

(*Note the option on this one for the "Powerful Deodorizer." If this option is there, do mankind a solid, (Especially if YOU'RE doing a solid) and use it. Thank you.)

Remember when I said it was also, the worst of times? Well, here we go - That toilet sounds like da' bomb, right? Well, it is. But, since the Japanese are a bundle of contradictions, sometimes, things are not what you expect, or hope for them to be. I take you now to - the hole in the ground. Yes, sometimes, it's a luxurious temperature controlled bastion of paradise, and sometimes - it's literally - a hole in the ground. Most Westerners (myself included) hold that as one of their biggest fears when traveling through Asia. Having to desperately relieve yourself, and seeing just The Hole.

It can be terrifying. And, the first few times you try one, it can be side splittingly (not to mention pants wettingly) funny. That's how it was for me. I remember the first one I encountered was in a mall. I was left with no choice. I was shaky, and skeeved out, and got my business done, but, in that way that doesn't feel nearly as satisfying afterwards as it usually does.

Well, time passes and people bloom and grow. And, that's what happened to me. In my old age, I have now learned to embrace The Hole. Yes, folks, embrace it. It's like if you see a Justin Bieber fan on the street. Don't scowl and run the other way. Embrace it, knowing that there may be more to it than meets the eye. (probably not, that kid's a tool) REAL TALK - here's the thing with holes, or, squatters as they're also called. It's all in knowing the proper way to use them. Most people are so skeeved that they try to stay as high up and far away from the actual hole as possible. Now, all this does is tense up your thighs and make it nearly impossible for anything to flow as it should. Not to mention, messy. Here's what you must do. Listen, child - COMMIT TO THE SQUAT. That's right. Commit to the squat. Get all the way down there. Don't be scared. Once you squat fully you'll realize the brilliance of these 'toilets.'
1) Your body is now completely aligned to do what it needs to do with no interference.
2) You don't have to worry about putting down toilet paper, or, a seat cover, because you're not actually sitting on anything!
3) Excellent way to keep your legs limber without going to the gym.
4) The entire operation is completely sanitary!!! The flusher is usually a button on the floor that you tap with your foot. So, you can get in and get out without actually touching any part of the toilet!

I see nothing but positives here. THIS is why they have endured for thousands of years. Smarts. I now actually look forward to every toilet variation they can come up with. Including this one:

Ok, so, in case this all wasn't clear enough:

And, while we're being abundantly clear... it goes both ways...

ALL toilets can be used for good, if used properly.

Well, my my, this certainly has gone on, hasn't it? There's just so much to say. Well, we'll continue with Japan another time. For now though, I say - Come One, Come ALL to Japan! No matter what your preference, there's no better place to do your 'business.'

Stop sniffing the ditto paper and pay attention!!

I can be a pain in the ass.

I don't think this is news to anyone who knows me.

I mean, I try to be a nice, fun person, but, sometimes... just sometimes... I can be a bit of a pain in the ass.

It can come in different forms depending on the situation or the day. But one of my favorite reasons to be just a bit of a pain in the ass can be -  vocabulary. I have an issue with vocabulary. Actually, I have an issue with the rampant misuse of vocabulary in the world today.  I genuinely find it shocking how many, supposedly competent, successful people can misuse, mispronounce and misunderstand so many words in the English language. Sometimes it can be hilarious. Sometimes it can be irritating as all get out.

This is not to say that I'm perfect. I'm certainly not. And, I make my fair share of technical grammatical errors, I'm sure. But, I'm talking basics here. This is what grinds my gears today. Well, why waste time? Let's get into some examples:

1. Jewelry
This is a biggie for me. Huge. It should be pronounced exactly as it is spelled. But, how often are we forced to listen to someone say "jew-la-ree?" That drives me bonkers! I've also heard "jewry." I mean, maybe I'm watching too much Real Housewives, but, the mispronunciation of this word seems to be nationwide. So, make a note to yourself - fix this, and you will sound like less of a stooge out in the world.

2. Underwears
Now, maybe my problem here is being from Long Island. But, this one sounded wrong to me when I was 10, and it sounds wrong to me now. Leave off the last 'S' for savings. Please.

3. Itch vs. Scratch
Ok, here's a usage issue. You have an itch. You then scratch the itch. The itch then goes away. Simple. People who say something like, "I have to itch my leg" - those people should stay in their homes. Just stay there and don't go out. You sound like an idiot. You MEAN that you HAVE an itch and therefore need to SCRATCH that itch. If you itch an itch you have somehow managed to add to your initial problem. You are now twice as itchy. Best get someone who knows how to scratch.

4. Your/You're
    There/Their/They're 
    To/Too
Are we STILL on this one?? How the hell did you graduate grammar school? How do you manage to put on pants in the morning and go to work? How did you get a job? Do you own property? How did that happen?  Tell me you're secret too how you did that because your the smartest person they're ever was! (see? annoying, right?) THINK!

5. Conversate
This, again, might be an issue of too much Housewives (is there such a thing???) but, this one genuinely makes me laugh. Reason being - the people that use this bastardized non-existent form of the word 'converse' are actually trying extra hard to sound really smart and sophisticated. That extra effort is immediately null and void the moment it falls out of their mouth breathing mouths. Oh, and you can also include the extra verby form of it - conversatin' - in the same category.

There are a million of these floating around nowadays. And with the advent of the internet and texting the situation has only gotten worse. It makes me sad. It permeates writing, conversation, music, everything. I think Eugene O'Neill would be incensed. Cole Porter would probably roll his eyes, snort, and then go have another brandy. Dorothy Parker would make a brilliant remark and then go have a brandy with Cole and Eugene. I just get irritated. Then laugh and judge the person in my head.  Everyone needs a hobby I guess. What's yours?

Oh and, just as a sidebar,  another of my favorite moments of people trying extra hard to sound smart and therefore making themselves sound REALLY dumb? The Real Housewives of OC. I know, I know, easy target, but, this one was priceless. There was a big party (shock), and a fight broke out between two of the women (double shock) and Tamara (one of the partying fighting women) kept yelling that she had a "cyst and decease" letter from her lawyer. Cyst and decease. That's beautiful. 

I will now leave you with the word a friend of mine introduced to me this weekend. It's new. It's wrong. He was mocked mercilessly. And I, for one, am hoping it catches on.  - I hope the rest of your day is - superbulous.

 

And Now We Proudly Present...

Spring has sprung!

Here we are finally getting some nice warm weather - well, actually, we're getting some Donna Summer "Hot Stuff" kinda weather. It has jumped from freezing my arse off under my down comforter to sweatin' to the oldies doing nothing but walking to the fridge. Speaking of my fridge - it's just after noon, and I've already eaten pie...from the fridge... wrong? Meh... whatever.

Anyway, this kind of weather always gets me in the mood to go out and start hitting amusement parks. I do love them so. I'll pretty much to go any one, any where, any time.  In fact, my bachelorette party was at Six Flags Great Adventure. The bridal party was, largely, not amused by this choice. They would've all preferred spa treatments and Happy Hour. But, I was able to ride roller coasters all day, and take home a t-shirt with an airbrushed rainbow unicorn on it. So, I win.

Speaking of Six Flags - back in the day - long, long ago, I actually auditioned for... an amusement park... ummm, a different one ... Really! ... I won't mention the name...  But, at this point in my life, I thought it might be a fun time to live somewhere in the vicinity of exit 7A off the NJ Turnpike for the summer and be a part of some..."entertainment."(not naming any names, I love love love all amusement parks)

So, I hopped in my Toyota Celica and made the drive from Long Island to Jersey early one morning. Had to get there early to beat the crowds, right?? I was no show biz novice. So, I finally arrived, and made my way to the employee entrance. I remember being a little excited at getting to go into the park the back way. I could just see myself doing that every day for the whole summer! This could be the start of something great...

I finally found the entrance for the auditions. It was actually in the theater where they perform in the park. At the time, people were calling it the Big Stage. Wow... the Big Stage!!! It'll be just like Radio City Music Hall! (it wasn't)

I thought it was odd that it seemed kind of quiet as I rounded the corner to check in. "I'm sure everyone is probably just getting in the zone and concentrating" I thought to myself. Man, I couldn't wait to knock 'em dead. I came around the bend, and, it was deserted. As in, not one other person there. Nobody. Did I have the right day? Yes. Right place? Yes. Ok, then. Good for me. This is the dream, right? Going to an audition and no one else showing up?  So, I checked in and sat down to wait. (Wait for what? I was the only one there!) And then, someone else showed up. But, it was still all good, because he was a he, so, he'd be no competition for me! The friendly gent sat beside me and began chatting. Turns out he wasn't even a singer - he was a magician! I scoffed in my head! So, there we were - just Me and My Magician (possible sitcom to develop here?) waiting to knock 'em dead with our overwhelming fierceness!

I was up first. Oh, did I mention that we had to bring our own accompaniment? On cassette? Yes. So, I had a tape of myself playing I Got Rhythm to sing to. I knew it would be a hit because I had already gotten cast in a production of Fiddler on the Roof using the same song! (Note: The emotional depth of I Got Rhythm totally mirrors the emotional depth of the role of Tzeitel. Apparently. #smartactorchoices) So, I got up there on the big stage and socked 'em right between the eyes. Once they recovered, they asked me to stay for the movement call. Happy to! I was already picturing how I'd spend my breaks at the fried chicken place and getting old timey photos taken of myself.

I had a few minutes of downtime where My Magician (patent pending) complimented me on my performance and then said "Well, I mean, I guess we've kinda got this locked up. I mean, we're the only two people here!" The odds did seem in our favor...

I was then called back to the big stage to the dance call. Alone. On the big stage. Solo dance routine on the big stage with only the auditioners and My Magician in the house. This could be awkward. Well, who am I kidding? This WAS awkward. This is when the odds are NOT in my favor. I do not imagine myself to be a solo dancer. I mean, I can rock a box step with the best of 'em, and even throw in a little kick ball change where necessary, but, I like to be realistic. But, I'm a game girl, so, I got up on the big stage and did exactly what they asked me to do. Which was a series of patriotic marching, saluting and smiling set to the tune of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.

I REPEAT: A series of patriotic marching, saluting and smiling set to the tune of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. ALONE.

I'd like for you to take a moment and reeeeally get that image in your head...

 .....


Cool. So, I went for it. I marched the crap outta Leroy Brown. I saluted like it was the damn Star Spangled Banner! I was the baddest marcher in the whole damn town!  I finished. They said, 'thank you.' I had shown them everything I could. I came off the big stage, still ridin' high - gathered my things to prepare for a long, and satisfied drive home. I was almost, almost smug.  I bid  My Magician a fond farewell, and he said, "Well, I guess I'll see ya this summer!" "I hope so!" I said - fully confident that I would be there, and if the cruel blade of the biz would cut anyone,  it would be HE who would be turned out on the street with his rabbit and hat.

So, I drove. Back to the civilization I knew - one of diners and malls as far as the eye could see. And I waited. I waited for the inevitable phone call proclaiming me to be the find they had been searching for!

And I waited....

It. Never. Came.

(Cue Descending Slide Whistle here)

I never did go and see the show to see who was in it. Did they cast no one and just run the music and lights hoping that would be entertainment enough?? Did they cast the magician and make the rabbit do the marching?? I'll never know.

But, here I am. Many years later... still with the faint hope that someday, someday the people who cast that show (if they're still alive) will finally see the light and invite me to join them on the Big Stage.

I don't know what ever became of My Magician©, but every now and again, off in the distance, I hear the soft strains of Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and I think of him, and smile... and throw him a salute.

The First of Many? Few? We'll See?

Ok, so, I know it's probably very 5 years ago to create a blog and think you're actually contributing something original to the universe. But, I've been feeling an urge lately to... express myself. And, since I lack the moves or pointy cone boobs of Madonna, I figured this might be a good way to do it. 

People have mentioned in the past (and by "people," I mean my mother) that I might have something to say that someone else might find amusing. And since my mother doesn't lie to me, EVER, I can only assume she is right about that. The same way she was right about Santa Claus existing. He does. Do not argue with me on that. 

So, hence, this blog experiment. 

I named the blog Walnut Groove because I enjoyed Little House on the Prairie as a kid. The TV show. Never read the books. Judge me all you want - strict TV kid, here. Loved the show. Although... seeing episodes now? I do find it a bit darker than I remember. Anyone else notice that?  If I have learned one thing from it though, it's this - if someone coughs on the prairie - even ONCE - they'll be dead before the hour is up. FACT. Do not get attached to anyone with a cough. Or a sympathetic animal. It will surely come down with the croup, or rabies, or some other old timey disease and get shot or something like that. But, it's still great. 

Oh, TV - you make me so happy. In fact, actually, one of my earliest memories is sitting in front of the black and white TV folding my bologna pieces into triangles while watching The Dinah Shore Show and The Don Ho Show back to back before Afternoon Kindergarten. I was probably one of the few 5 year olds who knew the words to "Tiny Bubbles."  

Where was I? Yes  - the name - I thought that the name Walnut Groove would be a really cool name for a band. Don't steal it. I still might use it for an all girl 80's cover band someday. (Seriously, don't steal it) But since I don't have the band yet, why not use it now?

Ya know, that Dinah/Don memory, I think, really sums up who I am at heart. All I really want out of life is to sleep in, have a little something to eat, and watch TV. I knew it when I was 5, I know it now.  I yam what I yam. 

Anyway, this will probably be a smattering of anecdotes, pet peeves, and general ponderings of life. A little train trip through the tracks of my mind which travel every which way but loose. Maybe we'll start fabulous discussions about things like The Don Ho Show! 

So, let me know what you think.  Unless you hate it. Then, don't be a jerk and tell me. Just don't read it. No one's forcing you, ya jerk.