S.1 Ep.15
In a Bed of Rose's
Written By: Susan Harris
Directed By: Terry Hughes
Aired: 1/11/86
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. There's a first time for everything!
In this instance, this is the first time that Rose is bringing home a man to stay over and make sweet, sweet love to her. Of course, it happens after much debate. Debate, uncertainty, whispering. But, as is so often the case in these situations, horniness wins out. Rose decides to go for it, and let Al Beatty (her handsome fella) come in and spend the night. Under the stipulation that he sneak out of the house when everyone goes golfing the next morning. She has no intention of letting anyone know that she's being a dirty girl. Good for you, Rose. Go and get yours. Have fun.
Morning has broken and we're immediately hit with the news that Rose is a screamer. (Good for you, Rose.) Yes, the girls heard noises last night. Noises that could've been a nightmare, or someone making love. Rose claims nightmare. This leads to a discussion on dirty talk where I am completely on Dorothy's side. I mean, I don't think it's unladylike or anything. It's just, when it comes down to it... I mean, really? It's so hard to pull off. Wouldn't some decent conversation be a solid option? But, no one really wants that. Anyway, Sophia joins us, dressed like the Shady Pines version of Sporty Spice.
Sophia: Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.
Rose: What?
Sophia: Dead.
Rose: Oh Sophia, he's not dead. I was just in there.
Sophia: So was I. I went to put back your laundry. And I see there's a man in the bed so I introduce myself. But, he doesn't answer. He's dead.
Rose: He's shy. He's very shy.
Blanche: Didn't sound so shy last night.
Sophia: Fine. Let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.*
*Note: It's gonna be 98 degrees, they're going golfing, and all of them are wearing sweaters.
*Note: It's gonna be 98 degrees, they're going golfing, and all of them are wearing sweaters.
Yikes. Well, now the discussion turns to who's going to be the next one in there to check and make sure he's dead. Rose is scared, and Blanche doesn't even watch the news for fear of accidentally running across a corpse. So, our old stalwart Dot has to do the dirty deed. (Good for you, Dot. Go face that cadaver.) But, she brings along her mommy for protection. And it turns out, yup, he's dead.
Oh my, my, my. Rose is pretty freaked out - understandably! She needs to contact the next of kin. His sister from Boca Raton, who never married. She just has to do it. She can't let his sister suffer the same fate that Blanche suffered when George died. In this version, he was hit by a wrong way driver and killed instantly. At least, that's what the disinterested, chip eating police officer told her on the phone. Of course, this goes directly against a story we'll hear later in the series where George is in a coma and Blanche goes to get a pedicure. But, for now, let's not doubt the grieving widow. So, Rose must do this herself. And we know that she won't be disinterested, nor will she be eating chips. Mainly because she doesn't like them. Because they fall down her bra. (True.)
So, Blanche goes to look up the sisters phone number. And, it's only at this point do I realize that the skirt Blanche is wearing, is actually a skort! This same scene also shows us that Sophia is in full on culottes, and Dorothy is essentially wearing a banana suit. Excellent.
So, Rose calls the sister of Al Beatty - Diamond importer, recent hair transplant recipient, and guy who might have bought an actual farm? She calls and is greeted with the bombshell news that this is not Al's sister. It's his wife! Cue music and commercial break!
This dirty rotten dude was a cheat. And Rose is pretty freaked out all over again. Not only is there a dead man in her bed, but, there's a married dead man in her bed! What to tell the wife? How to tell the wife? Sophia's theory is that he deserved to die anyway, so, whatevs. Blanche thinks the wife will want to kill him anyway, so, ya know, two birds and all. Oh and, there's a serious 80's reference in this scene! Blanche tells a tale of passion, cheating and deception. Is this from her real life? From an especially steamy week in Apartment 3G? No, it's from an episode of Dallas, Dynasty, or, Falcon's Landing (as she calls it). That's a heck of a lot of hairspray in one sentence. Ok, now, let's see what happens!
Rose shows up at the stately residence of Mrs. Beatty. Hey, she's got a lanai too! But hers is in her front yard, kind of? Weird. And she also has one of those doors with the doorknob right in the center. That's weird too. Questionable taste, this Mrs. Beatty. In houses and husbands. Oooooh, but inside it's roomy and spacious and has gorgeous floor to ceiling windows? I don't know if they're windows. But, it just looks so breezy! Well, Mrs. Beatty is fairly sure she already knows why Rose is there. You see, this is not the first time Al has cheated on her. He apparently slept with anything that breathed, moved, or, cleaned their hotel room while on their honeymoon. So, this isn't the first time a lover of Al's has shown up on the front lanai and faced Mrs. Beatty. This might be a good time to profess my love for Priscilla Morrill. Right as she goes into her little monologue trying to process that fact that her husband has died. She's just so good! And she's got that old school studio system way of speaking that sounds just a smidge British. It's very Katharine Hepburn. She's amazing, and everyone should see everything she's been in. If you're looking for somewhere to start - head on over to The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
She's wonderful, Al is dead, and Rose is freaking out AGAIN! Since Mrs. B spilled her guts, so does Rose. You see, the thing is, this is not the first time Rose has killed a man with her powerful, powerful sex. Charlie went the same way. Yikes. So, the two women end up comforting each other. Awwww. Sweet.
Banana Suit and Skort are at home trying diet salad dressings that taste just about as delicious as a bottle of Poland Spring. Rose returns and announces that she is through with men. She has no desire to kill any more with her powerful, powerful sex. The fact that Charlie died in bed too gets Blanche curious. Which leads the discussion over to a St. Olaf story about a woman who drove over her husband with a combine and didn't know he was dead till she found little bits of plaid in the corn. As a side note, Little Bits of Plaid In the Corn is going to be the title of my debut album. In reality Rose knows that she's not to blame - for the combine death - but, she still feels responsible for Al.
Speaking of great ideas - the girls are going square dancing!
And I don't think there's any point in even beating around the bush. These outfits win this week. They win, win, win. These are the best outfits and I can't concentrate on anything else going on in the scene because of the fact that the girls are going square dancing and wearing these outfits. The gist though, is that Rose refuses to go for fear of killing any other men. And Sophia is confident that Rose can be their new security system. Anyone breaks in, all Rose has to do is sleep with them, and they're good to go. I LOVE THESE OUTFITS.
Later that evening, the doorbell rings and Rose has to put down her copy of "How To Talk To Anyone" that she's been reading. It's good that she's been thumbing through that, since it's Mrs. Beatty at the door. But, Rose doesn't need to say much. Mrs. Beatty has come to relay the news that Al died of a heart attack because of clogged arteries. Apparently being a runner and having enough sex to leave a rabbit gobsmacked was not enough to counterbalance the fact that he would eat meat for dessert. So, Rose can relax. She's not the angel of death for the greater Miami area. Phew!
A little time has passed and Rose is getting back in the game. Not the card game that Sophia is helping Blanche cheat at - but, the dating game. She's headed off in a pilgrim dress to spend the weekend with Arnie. Arnie (future Miles) from the cruise? Guess so. She says she's been with him before, so it would be strange to not have sex with him while they're away this weekend. So, yes, let's assume it's Arnie/Miles. She likes him, and definitely doesn't want to kill him. So, despite the encouragement of the other girls, Rose is still unsure as to whether or not she'll go for it when push comes to dirty time.
A little more time has passed and the girls are waiting for Rose's arrival home. Did she, or didn't she? Did she go on and get some? (Good for her) Or, chicken out and sleep in her Mayflower ensemble? Well, Rose arrives and she pulls off one of the best "gotchas" in the history of "gotchas"-
Rose: I slept with him.
Blanche: And?
Rose: He died.
Blanche: What??
Dorothy: Oh no, Rose...
Rose: And the sheriff? I told him about me, how I kill men. And he didn't believe me. He said "Let's see, sleep with me." So I did. And the sheriff died...
She then breaks into a smile and laughs and laughs. Arnie is fine! They slept together, had a wonderful time and she completely messed with Blanche and Dorothy. They take it well, though. They storm out of the kitchen, furious at Rose. But, Rose doesn't care. She thought it was funny. Well, you know what? So did I, Rose. So did I. You got yours. Good for you.
Guest Stars: Richard Roat - Al Beatty
Priscilla Morrill - Lucille Beatty
Fun Facts: Betty White won an Emmy for this episode. All four ladies picked up Emmy's over the run of the show, but, Betty was the first.
Priscilla Morrill, she of the long, successful career, and fabulously distinctive speaking voice, guest starred on several episodes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show as Lou Grant's wife, Edie. And as we all know, MTM also starred our Emmy winner, Betty White.
Richard Roat will return to the series in one of my all time favorite episodes - Season 7's The Case of the Libertine Belle.
Fashion Report: I mean,as I said earlier. Duh. It's a three way tie of greatness.
