I'd Like To Participate In The 'Adopt A Sophia' Program (S.1 E.12)

S.1 E.12

The Custody Battle

Written by: Susan Harris, Winifred Hervey

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Aired: 12/7/85

Starting off with a moment of silence today. We lost the fabulous John McMartin this past week. An incredibly talented and versatile actor, best known to GG fans as the ever sexy, but faithfully devoted - Father Leahy. Put on your best "Mother of a Solid Gold Dancer" top and raise a glass in tribute. 

Now - 

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - We begin this evening's performance with a silent opera entitled "Dorothy and Sophia Wash Dishes"  - a parable in three movements. 

They wash, they dry, Sophia is unsatisfied. Repeat. Repeat. 

It's riveting. And funny. These chicks can get laughs without a word on the page. And this is why we love them so. 

But, eventually they do start to chat. Sophia has a bee in her bonnet. She wants Dorothy to find a man for herself. But, Dorothy has other things on her mind -  a visitor is imminent. Gloria is coming to Florida! Gloria - daughter to Sophia, sister to Dorothy, rich widow who lives in California. Now, it seems that Gloria doesn't do much in the way of contributing to the familial relationships, but, Sophia seems to have a bit of a blind spot there. She defends Gloria and seems to look at her as a great success. She's got money, and apparently at least three dates a year - so, she's doing better than Dorothy!

Someone else who's doing better than Dorothy? Blanche! Here she comes looking freaking fabulous.

She's got a hot date tonight (duh!) with Jason, the director of their community theater who is considering her for the role of Lady Macbeth in Mr. William Shakespeare's Macbeth - and I just love everything about that. I think this is the first time in the series that the girls get theatrical. And whenever there's theater involved, it's a great episode.

Sophia, of course, is hoping that Blanche can help Dorothy out and find her a man. But, it's too late. Blanche has already set up Rose with the directors "fat lighting designer" friend. Ahhhh, fat jokes, again. Good times. Thanks, 1980's. Hey, speaking of the 1980's - in case you forgot that this show takes place in them, we have two strong reminders in this scene! First - Rose's dress:

And second - a Jane Pauley joke. A Jane Pauley joke that, also kinda makes me wonder if Rose knocked back a few gin and tonics before heading out for this blind date:

Rose: Maybe he could explain to me how the three way bulb works. I've always wondered about that. 
Dorothy: I've always wondered about the same thing, Rose. That, and what Jane Pauley looks like standing up.
Rose: Maybe she can't stand up. Maybe Willard has to carry her around the set.

And with that, Blanche and Rose are out the door.

Sophia then tries to set Dorothy up with a fingerless melon squeezer she met in the supermarket. It goes over just about as well as you would imagine. The two fight. Sophia decides to get a little space and get out of the house. And, it's only now that I realize how truly enormous the front doorknob is. Poor lil' Sophia can barely get her hand around it. But, anything worth having is worth fighting for. So, she makes it out and we get some sweet transition music.

Bright and early the next morning, our players take their places in the kitchen. Orange juice is afoot. Blanche is confident that her "audition" the night before has made her a shoo in for Lady Macbeth. Rose reminds her to be cautious. Blanche is not. Will this serve Blanche well? Probs not.
Dorothy and Sophia are still bickering. Maybe they need a mediator?

Rose: Why don't you two kiss and make up?
Sophia: Why don't you blow it out your ditty bag? 

Maybe not.

Ding dong, Gloria's here! How exciting! She's arrived with great energy, a giant purse, a Mr.T gold chain, and presents! Woo hoo! I like this Gloria. Yeah, she's trying to buy Sophia's love with electric blankets, and sure, she's mentioning her driver just to drop in the hint that she's loaded. But, in general, I like her. Especially when Sophia makes a smart remark, and Gloria reacts with a fabulous take to absolutely no one on her left. It's quick, it's 100% full out, and it's to no one. I love it.

Oh, on a side note - this episode is where we first get multiple mentions of Phil Petrillo - brother to Dorothy and Gloria, son to Sophia. No descriptions of what exactly is up with Phil, but, let's just say, something's definitely up.

Anyway - Gloria has also gotten Dorothy a present. A gift certificate for a complete makeover! (RUDE). But, Dorothy seems excited. So, cool. Of course, that is until Sophia tells her not to expect a miracle. (DOUBLE RUDE). But, Dorothy handles it well. She stares Sophia down and does, well, not a double take, but, approximately a 37 take at the doorway. She then turns on her heel and she and her very unflattering top are off to the kitchen, as we're off to another scene transition.

Later that same day (Apartment 3G 4EVA) the girls join Dorothy for a beverage. Well, according to Blanche the audition for Macbeth went great and she has zero doubts about whether or not she'll get the part. Once again, Maybe Tipsy Rose warns Blanche that there were many strong actresses up for the part. But, does Blanche listen? No ma'am, she does not. I love all the foreshadowing in this episode. Fits in quite nicely with the theatrical themes. 

Anyway, the girls then get to chatting about siblings. Dorothy, as we can already tell, feels that Gloria is the favorite in her family. Blanche knew that she wasn't the favorite because her parents told her. And Rose lived in a dream world full of siblings, sugar plum fairies and possibly Michael Landon. Blanche and Dot have heard enough. So, they're out. Rose goes to follow, and quite possibly has forgotten how a swinging door works. (totally drunk)

It's bedtime y'all. And Dorothy is sorting through the incredibly large volume of luggage that Gloria's brought with her. 

Gloria is looking downright radiant in her nightgown.

This show just never misses on pajamas. Bravo, Wardrobe Department. I want this damn nightgown. And, I don't even like to wear nightgowns.

Gloria is looking lovely, but, working in little digs at Dorothy wherever she can get them in. And she's a total braggy pants. Talking about her mansion and her servants and how Bert Convy shops in her grocery store. Sidenote - this episode is more jam packed with 80's celebrities than an episode of the Match Game Hollywood Squares Hour. But yeah, Gloria's got a pretty sweet life out in California. And, this is where she drops the bomb - she'd like to share that life with Sophia. She wants Sophia to come and live with her permanently. And, according to Gloria, she's already asked, and Sophia is on board. Oh boy. I don't know about you, but right about now Dorothy and I need a short intermission and maybe a snack.

Done.

Dorothy checks in with Sophia to see if Gloria's info is accurate. And, sad to say, it is. Neither Sophia or Dorothy seem too thrilled with this idea (Bert Convy aside), but, they leave it alone for the moment and Sophia continues to pack up her perfumes while wearing her awesome nightgown.

Our main players reassemble in the kitchen for a dramatic confrontation scene. We all knew it was coming. It was written in the stars. Alas, Blanche was not cast as Lady Macbeth. And Rose had to be the bearer of the bad news. And to add insult to injury, who did get the role? Why, our dear Boozy Rose! Yup. Rose was cast as Lady Macbeth and Blanche was cast as Witch No.3. How did Blanche take the news? See below.

And on top of that news, Dorothy now has to tell the girls that Sophia is moving out. Well, if anything will drive you straight to the cookie jar, it's news like that. No one is happy about it. Blanche and Rose are determined to keep Sophia right where she is, but, Dorothy feels she doesn't have a right to interfere. Sigh. How will all this drama resolve itself? Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.

Dorothy and Gloria have a long overdue heart to heart. And you know Dot means business because she popped her collar.

She reams out Gloria for sweeping in with her money, her fancy clothes and her promises of Bert Convy and then trying to steal Ma! Isn't it enough she was always the favorite?? Well, not so fast Dorothy! Turns out Gloria was never the favorite. Dorothy is the one that Sophia can always depend on. Dorothy is the one Sophia turns to in times of need. Dorothy is the one Sophia saw having a bright future. Dorothy is the one Sophia actually wants to live with. Well... would ya look at that? Gloria was just trying to hang off of Dorothy's popped collar coat tails for a bit and see what it feels like to be on top.

Dorothy is now feeling all kinds 'a confident. So she struts into Sophia's room and tells her that she's staying put in Miami and that's that. And ya know what? It is. Sophia gives in immediately. She's pretty thrilled that her children are fighting over who gets to have her around. She's truly feeling the love. Even for Phil.

As the sun sets over the House of Golden Girls peace is once again restored. Gloria has happily resolved any differences with Dorothy. The girls are thrilled that Sophia is staying. And Sophia re-gifts to the ladies several personal items she's stolen from them in the past. With that, they decide it's time to do one of their periodic sweeps of Sophia's room. The girls exit stage right - with Rose taking that extra second to get her bearings and navigate the swinging door successfully.

Curtain.
End of Play.


Guest Stars: Doris Belack - Gloria

Fun Fact: Doris Belack had a hell of a career. I can only assume that the reason she was not brought back to play Gloria again in Season 7 of GG was because she was too busy working on a myriad of awesome projects.  Ms. Belack's last project (according to IMDB) was voice work on Grand Theft Auto IV. Pretty bad ass for someone in their 80's. I think Sophia would be proud. 

Fashion Report: Another strong week with a lot of focus on strong colors, and awesome nightwear. This week I'd like to single out the outfit that not only looked quite comfortable, but, hit all of the character's basic requirements (shoulder pads/draping) and also functioned as a confidence builder. A wardrobe choice that truly married character and story. For when you pop your collar, there is no problem that cannot be solved. 

Hi, It's Me - Stan's Hair (S.1 E.11)

S.1 E.11

The Return of Dorothy's Ex

Written by: Kathy Speer and Terry Grossman

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/30/85

BREAKING NEWS: I will go here and I will eat cheesecake. Rue La Rue Cafe in NYC

Ok. That was exciting. 

Now - 

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Rose is giggling! Why? Well, she's downright giddy about the prospect of planning a vacation. And who wouldn't be? Vacations are great! And, spending a few days in historic Williamsburg, VA sounds like a perfect getaway! I mean, I didn't think so when I was 10 and had to go with my family. What 10 year old wants to watch a blacksmith work? Not me. But, Rose? Rose is psyched. 

Blanche is not psyched. She wants to go to Martinique where the hot French people are. 

Ya know what? None of it matters. Because Dot has just stormed the barricade (the kitchen) and declared that the vacation will be to New York City!

Whatever. My real concern is poor Sophia, who is being left out of this vacation business entirely. I always thought this was mean. They want to leave the old woman at home to take in the mail? RUDE. Dorothy Zbornak, you are no Brooke Shields. 

I was right, though. None of it matters at all!  Because we're getting ready for our "A" story of the week to come walking through the door. Stan Zbornak. And his hair. 

Stan and his hair have dropped by to visit Dorothy and her shoulder pads. And also to get some papers signed by Dorothy. He wants to sell a piece of property that they bought when they were first married. Dorothy is fine with that. I assume her shoulder pads feel the same. We are not told whether Stan's Hair has an opinion one way or the other. 

The papers have to be signed in front of a notary public, so, it will have to wait for another day though. Stan/Hair leave, and we get this:

Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?

Sophia: 'Cause he knocked you up.

Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?

Sophia: 'Cause he got you drunk. 

Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?

Sophia: Beats the hell outta me. 

Beautiful. Good for you, Sophia. Lash out wherever you like since they're ditching you for their vacation. 

Just another day here at Cafe Anywhere, U.S.A. Our four main characters this week, Stan, Hair, Dorothy and Shoulder Pads are sitting down for a respite after the sale of their swamp land. Reminiscing about days gone by, cheap Mexican restaurants, and bowel movements that have stamped a memory on the soul - when Stan finally breaks down with what's really behind the time he's spending with Dot. Chrissy has left him. Yes, Chrissy, the younger woman that Stan married after he walked out on Dorothy, has ditched him for a younger man! Ahhhh, the Karma Chameleon of it all. Dorothy gets to gloat a bit, but then takes the high road and shows Stan some mercy. They split a corned beef sandwich and we fade to the next scene as we hear the faint clogging of arteries in the distance. 

Just another day at the Phallic Lobster Cafe. The ladies are having breakfast, so, of course, they look comfy as can be in variations on robes and PJ's and aprons. I like that Blanche is wearing the most formal nightgown I've ever seen, with a fancy little apron over it. I mean, I get it - the nightgown is fancy. So, the apron makes sense. But, maybe she's a tad over dressed for breakfast.

Especially when she appears to be making gray sludge for breakfast. 

Take a closer look:

Grits? Oatmeal? Really, what the hell is that? Give me pancakes or give me death. That's all I've gotta say. 

So, the girls are back to discussing their vacation. Right in front of Sophia who they made it clear is not invited. Again - RUDE. But, they do finally come to a decision. They want to go to Hollywood! Cool. They just need to take a sip of their juice and then ----

Woah!! Spit take! Stan is in the building, folks. And is falling right in line with the Golden Girls comfy robe costume plot. Looking good, Stan. Even if your hair took the day off. 

But, Dorothy. Oh, Dorothy. What did you do? That corned beef sandwich really went to your head. We get confirmation from Dot that she indeed ended up in bed with a crying, sexually inept Stan. Some things never change. 

According to Dorothy though, this was just a one night stand, and they both know it. But, that theory is shot as soon as she enters the living room and hears Stan ordering flowers in order to commemorate their new beginning. Oy. Not knowing what to do in the moment, Dorothy backs herself back into the kitchen. Very.... very..... slowly. 

It's the next day, and the living room looks like - if I may quote a great lady - Easter in Rotterdam.  Lots of flowers. And to be honest - all the ladies are looking sharp. Especially Rose! Dress, with matching necklace, and a popped collar? Boom! Yes, Rose, yes!

They're on their way to the travel agent to book the trip to Hollywood. Dorothy is against this idea. Because, well, she's usually against most things that aren't her idea. But, the real issue that she's struggling with here is that she doesn't know what to do about Stan. His new found affection for her has her totally confused. And speak of the devil - 

Ok, wait. Did the hair get fired?? Cause now we've got two scenes in a row with no hair. I wonder if something went down on set. I'd love a statement from the hair. If anyone has any contact info, a twitter handle, anything - please put me in touch. 

Sophia's Revenge - Part 1. Sophia brings in a group of extras posing as her "Vacation Club." A club for older women whose children ditch them when they go on vacation. They support each other, they bond, oh, and they also want to get a look at a woman who would sleep with her ex-husband. So, they came to take a gander at Dorothy. 

Dot and Stan retreat to the kitchen to further discuss their relationship. Note that Shoulder Pads are in this scene. So, I'm thinking maybe the reason Hair is gone from the show has to do with some type of power move Dot pulled behind the scenes. Wielding her tremendous pull in order to squeeze out the little guy while protecting her own. Just throwing out ideas here. Anyway - Stan professes his love for Dorothy. Very sweetly, actually. He can be damn charming when he wants to be. 

Sophia's Revenge - Part 2. The Vacation Club sits as judge and jury on the wicker furniture and proclaim that Dorothy should NOT take Stan back. They voted on it. And to prove they all agree with the decision, they all nod their heads in unison. Excellent work, extras! 

Night time is the right time for emotional eaters! And, booooooy have we got some here! Rose and Blanche are prepped for a long chat with Dorothy. Grapes, olives, chocolate cake and what looks like it could be a loin of pork, are all out on the table and ready! But, they end up not needing it. It's a short talk. Dorothy knows she could never trust Stan again. So, a relationship could never really work. That would be the end of the scene were it not for Rose having to tell of her love story with Eddie the Aqua Midget. Which was interesting in that it shows us Rose's penchant for diminutive men. Foreshadowing..... (cue dramatic music)

The other important thing to note. The Shoulder Pads appear to be getting bigger!

Now, I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories, but, come on. I think that maybe Shoulder Pads "show girled" poor Hair backstage. Maybe the hair is stuffed INTO the shoulder pads which is what is causing them to grow in size. The whole thing is just sick. 

We now move to Hotel Anything Goes, U.S.A. Stan has set out a cheese plate, and Dorothy has arrived to deliver the bad news. And, to add insult to rejection - The hair is definitely gone for good, the shoulder pads are retaining their power, and we've now ADDED the world's largest pocketbook. Yes, pocketbook. You can't call this a purse. Actually, a more accurate name would probably be Cow Sack. Or something like that. Just know, that it's big. And there might be a toupee inside of it desperately screaming to get out, but you'll never hear it cause the sack is too damn big. Hell, Eddie the Aqua Midget could be in there. We'll never know. 

So, Stan is in celebration mode thinking that he's gonna get lucky. But, before Dorothy even has time to let him down easy, there's a knock at the door. Who is it? Why, it's Chrissy! And her amazing hair totally done with a curling iron and I love it. 

Well, Chrissy wants her Stickman back! Yes, her Stickman. My favorite nickname given to anyone on any show ever. Stan rejects Chrissy. Dorothy is his true love. Their relationship has depth and meaning. Chrissy and her blonde waves storm off. 

Stan pours a little champagne and starts to make a toast. Dorothy THEN tells Stan that it's not gonna happen between the two of them. Well, quicker than you can eat a cheese plate, Stan drops Dorothy and is off and running to try and get Chrissy back. Because, after all:

Stan: Hey, terrific sex is better than nothing.

(He exits)

Dorothy: Here's to terrific sex. And the dumb blonde who's not gonna get any. 

That's all she wrote, folks! So, go on vacation, take off your toupee, and lift your glasses - to terrific sex. A noble thing. Whether you're getting it or not. 

Guest Stars: Herb Edelman - Stan

                       Simone Griffeth - Chrissy

Fun Fact: Herb Edelman, along with many, many other credits - starred in the legendary two part episode of The Love Boat where they travel to Hong Kong. Also on board that cruise? Brenda Vaccaro - who will become a part of the Golden Girl family down the line as Phil Petrillo's open minded, low voiced, good time wife.

Fashion Report: I've gotta go rogue this week and not pick one of the ladies. I'm giving it to Stan. Mainly because he was looking comfortable as hell in that robe!

Skip the Scungilli, Eat The Cake (S.1 E. 10)

S.1 E.10

The Heart Attack

Written by: Susan Harris

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/23/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Ooooooh, Loooooooooord, it's a twister! Or, a, much heralded, Miami hurricane. 

Either way, the extras in this first scene had the easiest gig since the time I was background on All My Children and had to stand at a pretend indoor bus stop for 10 minutes and then we were dismissed for the day.  We join the scene as a wind blown Dorothy is bidding those extras safe travels as they run out the front door and DSR immediately off camera. Excellent work, everyone! Check's in the mail. 

We move inside and see two of my favorite things on this show:

1) The buffet table.

2) A chocolate cake on the buffet table. 

Whenever there's a buffet table, I enjoy the episode. A buffet means a party and a party means a good storyline, so, therefore buffet table = good episode. And the chocolate cake? The chocolate cakes on this show always look freaking delicious. They always look like dense, yellow cakes with thick chocolate frosting and I just want to stick my face in them. 

And the ladies? Well, they're pretty frosty at the moment too. At least, Ms. Blanche is. She is making fat joke after fat joke about poor Emma Jane from the party. Who's that? Who cares. I just know that this was a point in our television history where fat jokes were okey dokey! I feel bad for poor Emma Jane! Oh well... I have a feeling Blanche might change her tune about mocking the overweight... maybe...... once her DAUGHTER comes to visit! (Cue ominous music) Ahhhhh, but that's for another day. 

So, the party clean up starts and there are various conversations about how delicious the food was, how sexy Italian men love Blanche, and, about what a ball of energy Sophia is.  Well, here we go. This is one of a few rare episodes of the girls that genuinely only has one plot line. And that plot line is? 

The bubble. 

The bubble, you say? 

Yes, the bubble. 

Sophia has a bubble. In her chest. What's a bubble? Well, there's some debate about that. But, the consensus seems to be that it feels as though Pavarotti is on her chest. Which, is obviously not good. The doctor is out  - 

 

 - so, the paramedics have been called. Until they arrive, there's nothing to do except make coffee and discuss death. So, let's do that! Among other relatives, Sophia's mother died of old age, and her father fell off a donkey, so, at least they have healthy hearts in their family. Now, I have to say, I think Rose has the best concept for death. Strangely enough, it's something I've thought of too.

Rose: There shouldn't be heart attacks. Or Cancer, or anything like that. There should just be a certain age where you have to turn your life in. Like a library book. You pack a bag, you go, and that's that. 

Four stars. I agree. Circle gets the square.

But, we never really know when it will happen. So, best to get things in order. And Sophia does. With reminders about where the key to her safe deposit box is (underwear drawer), who should get the silver (Dorothy) and the side note that Dorothy is Sophia's favorite child. Interesting.... I'd bet that line would be followed by a joke of some sort. But, here, it's not. Hmmmm...

Let's check on the coffee. 

The in depth look at death and all that goes with it continues. Blanche has a theory - that people in Minnesota live longer because the cold air slows the aging process. Anyone from Minnesota care to chime in on that? Seems like it would be a great place to move if not for the fact that the only men they have there are... farmers... farmers. <<< (The opinions expressed by Blanche Devereaux in no way reflect those of the management here at Walnut Groove or Rose Nylund)

Rose, is concerned about being buried comfortably. She'd like the contents of a small studio apartment to keep her company. Blanche, on the other hand, wants a funeral akin to what Lincoln had. Both reasonable.

The coffee is finally ready. So, now we're all back in the living room. Sophia tells all the girls how much she loves them. Then decides to rest for a while. Now is when we get one of the best moments of the series for me. Rose finally talks about how Charlie died. It's a lovely little monologue about Charlie having a heart attack while they were making love. It's got a few little laughs in it, but, it's just so damn lovely. And I had read years ago, that when Betty White was doing this monologue, she was thinking about the loss of her own husband, Allen Ludden. And, maybe I'm reading into things, but, I feel like you can totally see that once you know it, and then you can't un-see it, and it will break your heart every, single time. It's just this show at its best.

Bad news - the paramedics can't get through because of the storm. So, they've just got to sit tight and freeze for a commercial break. They do. They then come back and the girls tentatively, but intrusively, check on Sophia.

THAT WOULD BE JARRING TO WAKE UP TO!

And it was. 

Sophia: AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
Dorothy: What Ma, what???
Sophia: What?? You're sitting on top of me, I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Well, Sophia insists that she died a little while she was napping. She's been to Heaven. She saw her husband, Sal. Jesus and God were busy. But, all in all, it's a great place and she wants to go back. But, for now, she'll pray with her rosary beads.

Sophia is left alone with Rose, which is probably a mistake if we're looking to keep Sophia motivated to not go back to Heaven. Especially when Rose starts to list the different categories of Heaven she believes exist:
Catholic: Churches, nuns, etc.
Protestant: People, cows, etc.
Jewish: Libraries, furriers, etc.

In Sophia's cozy, cozy bedroom, as Dorothy searches for the rosary beads, her and Blanche touch on the note that  - no matter what age you are - losing a parent makes you feel like a little child. This episode is so damn touching!!

The Doctor is finally back in! 


He made his way through the storm and beat the paramedics. After poking around Sophia's quadrants, all the while Sophia is pushing for him to eat, the good doctor inquires as to what Sophia has had to eat today. The list includes, but is not limited to:

1) Scungilli
2) Sausage and peppers
3) Fettucini Alfredo
4) Fried Mozzerella
5) Cannelloni
6) Mushrooms with Gorgonzola
7) Two boxes of Milk Duds

Well - I think we've found the cause of the bubble! Yeah. Gall bladder attack brought on by over eating. No one's dying tonight!

Dorothy gesticulates wildly to get Rose to throw the delicious leftovers away, and everything starts to wrap itself up. The food goes away. The happily married (Sorry, Blanche) Doctor goes away, and Sophia and Dorothy get to tell each other how happy they are that all turned out OK. Well, Dorothy is also happy that she's Sophia's favorite. Wait! Here it comes. The callback to our seemingly sincere moment earlier. Yeah... Dorothy's not the favorite. Nope. Not by a long shot. That was just said in the throes of death. Better luck next time, Dot.

We finish up under the light of a crescent moon in the kitchen. Some larger themes are approached here. And I like them. The girls become almost, philosophical. Wondering aloud, why, if death is everyone's inevitable ending, why they shouldn't do what they want while they're still alive? And what do they want to do? Same thing I want to do. EAT THE CHOCOLATE CAKE.



Just look at it. I looks - SO GOOD. With a little vanilla ice cream? Hot damn. Live while you can! Who wants to end up like Dorothy's friend who went to Paris, ate a salad, and then got crushed by a gargoyle? Not me! Well, after revving themselves up, they then think about the fact that they could eat, gain weight and live the next 40 years with their panties cutting off their circulation. So, instead, the decision is made to head off into the night to burn some calories, walking to Canada to look for Mounties. Excellent plan, ladies!

And to all... a good night!

(EAT THE CAKE)


Guest Stars: Ronald Hunter - Dr. Harris

Fun Fact: Charlie Lindstrom is not the only person to have a heart attack during sex and die. Lots of people have. And according to the internet, Nelson Rockefeller was one of them. And dying may not have been his only problem. He was having sex with his mistress at the time. Whoops. 

Fashion Report: Well, this was a one costume show. So, I'm going to post all four ensembles, and you can pick your favorite. I mean, when in doubt, always go with Dorothy. Especially when she's got a floor length dress with buttons down the back that looks like it was made from sweatshirt fabric. But, that's just me. To each his own!

Age Ain't Nothing But A Leg Warmer (S.1 E.9)

S.1 E.9

Blanche And The Younger Man

Written by: James Berg, Stan Zimmerman

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/16/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - let's spend the entire episode trying to ignore Blanche's purple and blue eyeshadow. Betcha can't. Don't bet me, cause you'll lose that bet. 

I love when an episode starts with a Sophia caper. Granted, this is a short lived caper, but I'll take it. Sophia is sneaking food out of the kitchen. Why? Well, Rose's mother is coming to visit and rumor has it, she's on a special diet. Ugh, those people. Those people - old people on a special diet - are really irritating to Sophia because they're always grubbing off of her plate. Well, of course, Special Agent Zbornak stops Sophia immediately and confiscates the food. After all - Rose's mother and Sophia are the same age, so, they should get along just fine. Well, Sophia has doubts. It seems that Rose has ordered a wheelchair for her mother, which certainly implies that she's not as spry as our little Sicilian. We shall see. 

Let's go check out Blanche's latest conquest at the door. If you had any doubt whatsoever that this episode takes place in 1985, well, those doubts will be laid to rest once you meet Dirk. Yes, Dirk. Dirk is the absolute picture of the 1980's Workout Boy Toy. From his striped shirt to his feathered hair, to his super awesome headband - Dirk is IT, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy the view, because Olivia Newton John should be jogging past at any moment. 

Dirk has stopped showing off his armpit just long enough to ask Blanche out to dinner for this weekend. She happily accepts - even though he is a bit younger than she is. And btw, if you were Dorothy Zbornak, right now you'd give the most subtle example of shade ever seen by just ever so gently shifting your gaze. 

No time for a sassy comment because here come Rose and Mama "Alma" Lindstrom. As soon as Alma enters we can clearly see that she is a capable lady. But, you wouldn't think that from the way Rose treats her. She is basically treating her mother like an invalid. Raising her voice (Alma's hearing is fine), worrying about her getting over tired, telling her to take a nap. Not cool, Rose. Not cool. You are not the boss of your mama. 

Well, the ladies all seem to like Alma, but, they are not cool with the way Rose is treating her either. Well, Dorothy and Sophia aren't cool with it. Blanche on the other hand, is more concerned with whether or not she can handle a relationship with Dirk. And what a shock - she concludes she can handle it even if Dirk is nearly 5 years younger than Blanche(possibly in dog years.) 

Blanche: I have decided to overlook that minor detail and succumb to the Vesuvius of passion that is about to erupt from me. 

Sophia: Stand back, we're gonna get something on us. 

EYESHADOW.

Blanche then launches into a sexual memoir that despite it's references to Rexhall's, cuticle scissors and Andy Griffith, still manages to put Sophia literally to sleep. Understandable though - she's told this tale before. Except last time it was Woolworth's, a toe nail clipper, and John Cameron Swayze. Blanche might need some new material.

More 80's workout wear! Yay!! Let's get physical, y'all! Blanche Devereaux is in the best outfit ever getting in shape for her date with Dirk. She is quite literally working her butt off. And including some sheeps liver extract, fish oil, and bee pollen pills to leave no dietary stone unturned.

And as it's plain to see, Dorothy is sticking with her - "I Just Wear Queen Sized Quilts So Why Bother" system. I have to say - it's a pretty good system. She looks damn relaxed. But, she's never too relaxed to share her opinion. Her opinion being, that if Blanche has to go to such extremes to be in this relationship, then what's the point?

Side rant here: Dorothy makes a reference that since Blanche is getting younger by the minute, she and Walt Disney can hang together when they unfreeze him. As a Disney fanatic, I always feel the need to point out that this old wives tale is just not true! Walt was never frozen. Didn't happen. So, there will never be an unfreezing. I wish he HAD been frozen so we'd have a shot of having him back, but, alas, no.

Ok, back to the girls. Blanche jogs out with door with her knees and breasts held equally high. Rose passes Blanche and tells her she looks great. And, then immediately tells Dorothy that she thinks Blanche looks terrible. Well, Rose, things are about to look worse - Sophia has taken Alma out of the house - gasp -  and to the track to bet on the horses - double gasp!! Well, Rose does not like this one bit. She might even like it less than Dorothy's pleated fabric swath, but, I couldn't say for sure.

Well, the senior members of our story return safely from the track. Everyone is fine, except Sophia who's 50 bucks in the hole. Hmmmmm.... I wonder if Dorothy's future gambling problem is hereditary? Good foreshadowing. Alma is the big winner and offers to buy Sophia some bikini underwear. Sophia declines the offer and then in her continuing quest to forage for food, leaves the kitchen with a plate of who knows what.

Rose continues to not realize that her Mama is one tough cookie. Well, we're 9 minutes into the episode, and that's about all Alma can take of Rose's behavior. She's had it. She tells Rose off and storms out. Rose, as she often does, looks stunned.

Midnight... not a sound from the pavement.... OK, maybe not midnight, but, it's definitely evening. And Rose is anxiously waiting for Alma to return with Sophia again. Well, Sophia returns but Alma was loving that Miami nightlife, so, she stayed out on her own. Well, this throws Rose into an absolute state! I mean, her poor mother could be out there getting mugged by teenagers with bad hair cuts! But, she's active and vital, you say! Well, if you did say that, it would cue the phone ringing, and the police telling Rose that her active, vital mother was just picked up -  lost and disoriented. Rose leaves, on her own (No, Dorothy, you're not welcome to come, you've done enough, thank you very much) to go pick up Mama.

Well, before we even have time to process all that's just happened - the hands of time are turned back by Ms. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux. BED has really done it this time.  

Between the dress, and the eye shadow - Dirk is sure to see her as a contemporary, as opposed to an old woman. At least, that's the theory of which Blanche seems pretty positive. In fact, she claims to be infallible on this one. Dorothy, of course, has doubts. As does Sophia. Her theory is that Dirk might kill Blanche. I'm assuming due to exhaustion. It's never really clarified, and with Sophia, who really knows - but, yeah, exhaustion.

Dirk arrives fresh from an audition for a bit part on Miami Vice and is not shy about telling Blanche how gorgeous she looks. And with that, our two love birds are off for the evening!


Next, we join Dorothy being the girlie girl we all know and love - fixing the plumbing under the sink. She wouldn't mind staying there. As she says:

Dorothy: The only peace and quiet I've had in two days. Blanche thinks she's Peter Pan and Rose is turning into Mommie Dearest. 

This is some type of Gay Peak, right? A Mommie Dearest reference during The Golden Girls??? It has to be.

Rose and Mama Alma are finally back from the police station. And according to Alma - she was busted on a trumped up, bullsh#@t charge! All she did was flag down a cop to ask directions and before she knew it, they were taking her in! And then Rose had the nerve to embarrass her in the police station. Well, that's it. Alma is leaving in the morning, and Sophia is gonna help her pack. The seniors are sticking together!

Ya know what we need here? A heart to heart. A classic 80's after school special, Boy in the Plastic Bubble kind of heart to heart. And Dot's here to give it. She explains to Rose the plight of so many mother/daughter relationships. Daughters want independence (and training bras) from their mothers - and then, as the years go on, they start treating their mothers like little girls. Dot advises Rose to just treat Alma like a woman.

So, now we have back to back heart to hearts as Rose tries to make amends with Alma. Ya see, Rose has already lost her husband, and her father, so, she's just afraid of losing her mother too. Awwwwww, sweet Rose. And Alma understands. But, she knows that stopping her from living won't stop her from dying - so, they need to just enjoy the time they have. And, they will. Especially if they spend more time in Rose's sweet bedroom. I mean - I know that in the flashback episode a few years from now they show how Rose ended up with that bedroom over Dorothy. But, my question is, why did Blanche not take that bedroom from the start?? I mean, it's clearly the biggest, AND it's got that super sweet seating area! I totally want Rose's bedroom.

Apparently this is the night that never ends. Dorothy and Sophia are now setting the kitchen table. And using the good china. The good china that Sophia hauled all the way back from Sicily as a wedding gift for Dorothy's failed marriage. But, never the less, Dorothy has eaten through a lot of grrrrrrreat times on those plates. Hey - let's have another heart to heart shall we? I can't get enough. Sophia let's Dorothy know that she greatly appreciates the fact that Dorothy treats her like a person - not like an old lady. Dorothy is a good daughter. Dorothy is touched to hear that. Dorothy then gets a lil' smack on the back of the head from Sophia and a request for forgiving the $50 she stole to go to the track earlier. All is good.

Wait - I might have spoken too soon. Do you hear a Phil Collins song? You might. Because we have to find out what happens on Blanche's date with The Poor Man's Don Johnson. Well, things are not off to a good start because Blanche really wants the duck a'loraaaaaaange, but, then caves to peer pressure and ditches that idea for a salad, just cause that's what stupid Dirk is getting. And ya know what? He is a little bit stupid. He used to work at a museum, and says he loves art. But, what he actually loves his lifting art. He unloaded the trucks. All that art was great for his deltoids - which he then shows off by lifting up the dinner table that they're sitting at! Stoooopid. Oh, and the last book he read was Pumping Iron. Ok, so, the date isn't going so hot. But, then Dirk starts to compliment Blanche and it looks like we're starting to swing in the right direction. Until...... until........ UGH!

Dirk: You remind me of my mother. 

Cue the world's saddest trombone.. Yup. He likes Blanche because he's homesick for his mother. Ugh. Stupid Dirk!!!!! 86 the salad - bring this woman an orange duck and a double Jack Daniels on the rocks.

Sophia and Alma are gambling for pretzel sticks while Dorothy and Rose worry about Blanche not being home from her date yet. Oh good. Rose has found someone new to worry about. Well, actually she's just not so sure about dating a younger man. Hmmm... smells like confession time. Dorothy dated a younger man once - before she had the hump on her back, naturally. And Alma - well, after her husband died, Alma had a three year relationship with a young farm hand who happened to be an ex-con. It's just like if Aunt Eller and Jud Frye got together! Rose is naturally horrified, but, tries to push aside her feelings to support her mothers long term affair with a random drifter. Good job, Rose!

Well, it's time for Blanche to face the music. She returns from her date, and does not want to talk about it, but then immediately talks about it because we've got to wrap this episode up.

Blanche: I'm just a little depressed. For the first time in my life I feel over 40. 
Dorothy: You know why that is? 
Blanche: Why?
Dorothy: Because you're over 50. 

Ahhhhhhh, Dorothy. Always there to buck you up when you're feeling blue! Ok, listen - we'll get ONE more heart to heart and then we're done. And this time it really will buck you up! Dorothy refuses to feel sorry for Blanche. And ya know why? Because she's got her looks, her health, a few bucks in the bank - life is pretty darn good! So, she won't listen to any trombones! And neither will Rose! Right, Rose?? (Follow Dorothy, Rose...) Blanche, alone with just her thoughts and her eye shadow - realizes what we all know, all the time - Dorothy, is right. And with a final chuckle, we get the credits that put an end to the worlds longest day.


Guest Stars: Charles Hill - Dirk

                      Jeanette Nolan - Alma Lindstrom

Fun Fact: Jeanette Nolan, who plays Rose's mom in this episode, was only 10 years older than Betty White. 

Fashion Report: 9 times out of 10, workout wear will win the fashion report. You have to go a long way to beat workout wear. Get it, Blanche!