S.1 E.11
The Return of Dorothy's Ex
Written by: Kathy Speer and Terry Grossman
Directed by: Jim Drake
Ok. That was exciting.
Now -
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Rose is giggling! Why? Well, she's downright giddy about the prospect of planning a vacation. And who wouldn't be? Vacations are great! And, spending a few days in historic Williamsburg, VA sounds like a perfect getaway! I mean, I didn't think so when I was 10 and had to go with my family. What 10 year old wants to watch a blacksmith work? Not me. But, Rose? Rose is psyched.
Blanche is not psyched. She wants to go to Martinique where the hot French people are.
Ya know what? None of it matters. Because Dot has just stormed the barricade (the kitchen) and declared that the vacation will be to New York City!
Whatever. My real concern is poor Sophia, who is being left out of this vacation business entirely. I always thought this was mean. They want to leave the old woman at home to take in the mail? RUDE. Dorothy Zbornak, you are no Brooke Shields.
I was right, though. None of it matters at all! Because we're getting ready for our "A" story of the week to come walking through the door. Stan Zbornak. And his hair.
Stan and his hair have dropped by to visit Dorothy and her shoulder pads. And also to get some papers signed by Dorothy. He wants to sell a piece of property that they bought when they were first married. Dorothy is fine with that. I assume her shoulder pads feel the same. We are not told whether Stan's Hair has an opinion one way or the other.
The papers have to be signed in front of a notary public, so, it will have to wait for another day though. Stan/Hair leave, and we get this:
Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: 'Cause he knocked you up.
Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia: 'Cause he got you drunk.
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell outta me.
Beautiful. Good for you, Sophia. Lash out wherever you like since they're ditching you for their vacation.
Just another day here at Cafe Anywhere, U.S.A. Our four main characters this week, Stan, Hair, Dorothy and Shoulder Pads are sitting down for a respite after the sale of their swamp land. Reminiscing about days gone by, cheap Mexican restaurants, and bowel movements that have stamped a memory on the soul - when Stan finally breaks down with what's really behind the time he's spending with Dot. Chrissy has left him. Yes, Chrissy, the younger woman that Stan married after he walked out on Dorothy, has ditched him for a younger man! Ahhhh, the Karma Chameleon of it all. Dorothy gets to gloat a bit, but then takes the high road and shows Stan some mercy. They split a corned beef sandwich and we fade to the next scene as we hear the faint clogging of arteries in the distance.
Just another day at the Phallic Lobster Cafe. The ladies are having breakfast, so, of course, they look comfy as can be in variations on robes and PJ's and aprons. I like that Blanche is wearing the most formal nightgown I've ever seen, with a fancy little apron over it. I mean, I get it - the nightgown is fancy. So, the apron makes sense. But, maybe she's a tad over dressed for breakfast.
Especially when she appears to be making gray sludge for breakfast.
Take a closer look:
Grits? Oatmeal? Really, what the hell is that? Give me pancakes or give me death. That's all I've gotta say.
So, the girls are back to discussing their vacation. Right in front of Sophia who they made it clear is not invited. Again - RUDE. But, they do finally come to a decision. They want to go to Hollywood! Cool. They just need to take a sip of their juice and then ----
Woah!! Spit take! Stan is in the building, folks. And is falling right in line with the Golden Girls comfy robe costume plot. Looking good, Stan. Even if your hair took the day off.
But, Dorothy. Oh, Dorothy. What did you do? That corned beef sandwich really went to your head. We get confirmation from Dot that she indeed ended up in bed with a crying, sexually inept Stan. Some things never change.
According to Dorothy though, this was just a one night stand, and they both know it. But, that theory is shot as soon as she enters the living room and hears Stan ordering flowers in order to commemorate their new beginning. Oy. Not knowing what to do in the moment, Dorothy backs herself back into the kitchen. Very.... very..... slowly.
It's the next day, and the living room looks like - if I may quote a great lady - Easter in Rotterdam. Lots of flowers. And to be honest - all the ladies are looking sharp. Especially Rose! Dress, with matching necklace, and a popped collar? Boom! Yes, Rose, yes!
They're on their way to the travel agent to book the trip to Hollywood. Dorothy is against this idea. Because, well, she's usually against most things that aren't her idea. But, the real issue that she's struggling with here is that she doesn't know what to do about Stan. His new found affection for her has her totally confused. And speak of the devil -
Ok, wait. Did the hair get fired?? Cause now we've got two scenes in a row with no hair. I wonder if something went down on set. I'd love a statement from the hair. If anyone has any contact info, a twitter handle, anything - please put me in touch.
Sophia's Revenge - Part 1. Sophia brings in a group of extras posing as her "Vacation Club." A club for older women whose children ditch them when they go on vacation. They support each other, they bond, oh, and they also want to get a look at a woman who would sleep with her ex-husband. So, they came to take a gander at Dorothy.
Dot and Stan retreat to the kitchen to further discuss their relationship. Note that Shoulder Pads are in this scene. So, I'm thinking maybe the reason Hair is gone from the show has to do with some type of power move Dot pulled behind the scenes. Wielding her tremendous pull in order to squeeze out the little guy while protecting her own. Just throwing out ideas here. Anyway - Stan professes his love for Dorothy. Very sweetly, actually. He can be damn charming when he wants to be.
Sophia's Revenge - Part 2. The Vacation Club sits as judge and jury on the wicker furniture and proclaim that Dorothy should NOT take Stan back. They voted on it. And to prove they all agree with the decision, they all nod their heads in unison. Excellent work, extras!
Night time is the right time for emotional eaters! And, booooooy have we got some here! Rose and Blanche are prepped for a long chat with Dorothy. Grapes, olives, chocolate cake and what looks like it could be a loin of pork, are all out on the table and ready! But, they end up not needing it. It's a short talk. Dorothy knows she could never trust Stan again. So, a relationship could never really work. That would be the end of the scene were it not for Rose having to tell of her love story with Eddie the Aqua Midget. Which was interesting in that it shows us Rose's penchant for diminutive men. Foreshadowing..... (cue dramatic music)
The other important thing to note. The Shoulder Pads appear to be getting bigger!
Now, I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories, but, come on. I think that maybe Shoulder Pads "show girled" poor Hair backstage. Maybe the hair is stuffed INTO the shoulder pads which is what is causing them to grow in size. The whole thing is just sick.
We now move to Hotel Anything Goes, U.S.A. Stan has set out a cheese plate, and Dorothy has arrived to deliver the bad news. And, to add insult to rejection - The hair is definitely gone for good, the shoulder pads are retaining their power, and we've now ADDED the world's largest pocketbook. Yes, pocketbook. You can't call this a purse. Actually, a more accurate name would probably be Cow Sack. Or something like that. Just know, that it's big. And there might be a toupee inside of it desperately screaming to get out, but you'll never hear it cause the sack is too damn big. Hell, Eddie the Aqua Midget could be in there. We'll never know.
So, Stan is in celebration mode thinking that he's gonna get lucky. But, before Dorothy even has time to let him down easy, there's a knock at the door. Who is it? Why, it's Chrissy! And her amazing hair totally done with a curling iron and I love it.
Well, Chrissy wants her Stickman back! Yes, her Stickman. My favorite nickname given to anyone on any show ever. Stan rejects Chrissy. Dorothy is his true love. Their relationship has depth and meaning. Chrissy and her blonde waves storm off.
Stan pours a little champagne and starts to make a toast. Dorothy THEN tells Stan that it's not gonna happen between the two of them. Well, quicker than you can eat a cheese plate, Stan drops Dorothy and is off and running to try and get Chrissy back. Because, after all:
Stan: Hey, terrific sex is better than nothing.
(He exits)
Dorothy: Here's to terrific sex. And the dumb blonde who's not gonna get any.
That's all she wrote, folks! So, go on vacation, take off your toupee, and lift your glasses - to terrific sex. A noble thing. Whether you're getting it or not.
Guest Stars: Herb Edelman - Stan
Simone Griffeth - Chrissy
Fun Fact: Herb Edelman, along with many, many other credits - starred in the legendary two part episode of The Love Boat where they travel to Hong Kong. Also on board that cruise? Brenda Vaccaro - who will become a part of the Golden Girl family down the line as Phil Petrillo's open minded, low voiced, good time wife.
Fashion Report: I've gotta go rogue this week and not pick one of the ladies. I'm giving it to Stan. Mainly because he was looking comfortable as hell in that robe!
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