Hi, It's Me - Stan's Hair (S.1 E.11)

S.1 E.11

The Return of Dorothy's Ex

Written by: Kathy Speer and Terry Grossman

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/30/85

BREAKING NEWS: I will go here and I will eat cheesecake. Rue La Rue Cafe in NYC

Ok. That was exciting. 

Now - 

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Rose is giggling! Why? Well, she's downright giddy about the prospect of planning a vacation. And who wouldn't be? Vacations are great! And, spending a few days in historic Williamsburg, VA sounds like a perfect getaway! I mean, I didn't think so when I was 10 and had to go with my family. What 10 year old wants to watch a blacksmith work? Not me. But, Rose? Rose is psyched. 

Blanche is not psyched. She wants to go to Martinique where the hot French people are. 

Ya know what? None of it matters. Because Dot has just stormed the barricade (the kitchen) and declared that the vacation will be to New York City!

Whatever. My real concern is poor Sophia, who is being left out of this vacation business entirely. I always thought this was mean. They want to leave the old woman at home to take in the mail? RUDE. Dorothy Zbornak, you are no Brooke Shields. 

I was right, though. None of it matters at all!  Because we're getting ready for our "A" story of the week to come walking through the door. Stan Zbornak. And his hair. 

Stan and his hair have dropped by to visit Dorothy and her shoulder pads. And also to get some papers signed by Dorothy. He wants to sell a piece of property that they bought when they were first married. Dorothy is fine with that. I assume her shoulder pads feel the same. We are not told whether Stan's Hair has an opinion one way or the other. 

The papers have to be signed in front of a notary public, so, it will have to wait for another day though. Stan/Hair leave, and we get this:

Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?

Sophia: 'Cause he knocked you up.

Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?

Sophia: 'Cause he got you drunk. 

Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?

Sophia: Beats the hell outta me. 

Beautiful. Good for you, Sophia. Lash out wherever you like since they're ditching you for their vacation. 

Just another day here at Cafe Anywhere, U.S.A. Our four main characters this week, Stan, Hair, Dorothy and Shoulder Pads are sitting down for a respite after the sale of their swamp land. Reminiscing about days gone by, cheap Mexican restaurants, and bowel movements that have stamped a memory on the soul - when Stan finally breaks down with what's really behind the time he's spending with Dot. Chrissy has left him. Yes, Chrissy, the younger woman that Stan married after he walked out on Dorothy, has ditched him for a younger man! Ahhhh, the Karma Chameleon of it all. Dorothy gets to gloat a bit, but then takes the high road and shows Stan some mercy. They split a corned beef sandwich and we fade to the next scene as we hear the faint clogging of arteries in the distance. 

Just another day at the Phallic Lobster Cafe. The ladies are having breakfast, so, of course, they look comfy as can be in variations on robes and PJ's and aprons. I like that Blanche is wearing the most formal nightgown I've ever seen, with a fancy little apron over it. I mean, I get it - the nightgown is fancy. So, the apron makes sense. But, maybe she's a tad over dressed for breakfast.

Especially when she appears to be making gray sludge for breakfast. 

Take a closer look:

Grits? Oatmeal? Really, what the hell is that? Give me pancakes or give me death. That's all I've gotta say. 

So, the girls are back to discussing their vacation. Right in front of Sophia who they made it clear is not invited. Again - RUDE. But, they do finally come to a decision. They want to go to Hollywood! Cool. They just need to take a sip of their juice and then ----

Woah!! Spit take! Stan is in the building, folks. And is falling right in line with the Golden Girls comfy robe costume plot. Looking good, Stan. Even if your hair took the day off. 

But, Dorothy. Oh, Dorothy. What did you do? That corned beef sandwich really went to your head. We get confirmation from Dot that she indeed ended up in bed with a crying, sexually inept Stan. Some things never change. 

According to Dorothy though, this was just a one night stand, and they both know it. But, that theory is shot as soon as she enters the living room and hears Stan ordering flowers in order to commemorate their new beginning. Oy. Not knowing what to do in the moment, Dorothy backs herself back into the kitchen. Very.... very..... slowly. 

It's the next day, and the living room looks like - if I may quote a great lady - Easter in Rotterdam.  Lots of flowers. And to be honest - all the ladies are looking sharp. Especially Rose! Dress, with matching necklace, and a popped collar? Boom! Yes, Rose, yes!

They're on their way to the travel agent to book the trip to Hollywood. Dorothy is against this idea. Because, well, she's usually against most things that aren't her idea. But, the real issue that she's struggling with here is that she doesn't know what to do about Stan. His new found affection for her has her totally confused. And speak of the devil - 

Ok, wait. Did the hair get fired?? Cause now we've got two scenes in a row with no hair. I wonder if something went down on set. I'd love a statement from the hair. If anyone has any contact info, a twitter handle, anything - please put me in touch. 

Sophia's Revenge - Part 1. Sophia brings in a group of extras posing as her "Vacation Club." A club for older women whose children ditch them when they go on vacation. They support each other, they bond, oh, and they also want to get a look at a woman who would sleep with her ex-husband. So, they came to take a gander at Dorothy. 

Dot and Stan retreat to the kitchen to further discuss their relationship. Note that Shoulder Pads are in this scene. So, I'm thinking maybe the reason Hair is gone from the show has to do with some type of power move Dot pulled behind the scenes. Wielding her tremendous pull in order to squeeze out the little guy while protecting her own. Just throwing out ideas here. Anyway - Stan professes his love for Dorothy. Very sweetly, actually. He can be damn charming when he wants to be. 

Sophia's Revenge - Part 2. The Vacation Club sits as judge and jury on the wicker furniture and proclaim that Dorothy should NOT take Stan back. They voted on it. And to prove they all agree with the decision, they all nod their heads in unison. Excellent work, extras! 

Night time is the right time for emotional eaters! And, booooooy have we got some here! Rose and Blanche are prepped for a long chat with Dorothy. Grapes, olives, chocolate cake and what looks like it could be a loin of pork, are all out on the table and ready! But, they end up not needing it. It's a short talk. Dorothy knows she could never trust Stan again. So, a relationship could never really work. That would be the end of the scene were it not for Rose having to tell of her love story with Eddie the Aqua Midget. Which was interesting in that it shows us Rose's penchant for diminutive men. Foreshadowing..... (cue dramatic music)

The other important thing to note. The Shoulder Pads appear to be getting bigger!

Now, I'm not usually one for conspiracy theories, but, come on. I think that maybe Shoulder Pads "show girled" poor Hair backstage. Maybe the hair is stuffed INTO the shoulder pads which is what is causing them to grow in size. The whole thing is just sick. 

We now move to Hotel Anything Goes, U.S.A. Stan has set out a cheese plate, and Dorothy has arrived to deliver the bad news. And, to add insult to rejection - The hair is definitely gone for good, the shoulder pads are retaining their power, and we've now ADDED the world's largest pocketbook. Yes, pocketbook. You can't call this a purse. Actually, a more accurate name would probably be Cow Sack. Or something like that. Just know, that it's big. And there might be a toupee inside of it desperately screaming to get out, but you'll never hear it cause the sack is too damn big. Hell, Eddie the Aqua Midget could be in there. We'll never know. 

So, Stan is in celebration mode thinking that he's gonna get lucky. But, before Dorothy even has time to let him down easy, there's a knock at the door. Who is it? Why, it's Chrissy! And her amazing hair totally done with a curling iron and I love it. 

Well, Chrissy wants her Stickman back! Yes, her Stickman. My favorite nickname given to anyone on any show ever. Stan rejects Chrissy. Dorothy is his true love. Their relationship has depth and meaning. Chrissy and her blonde waves storm off. 

Stan pours a little champagne and starts to make a toast. Dorothy THEN tells Stan that it's not gonna happen between the two of them. Well, quicker than you can eat a cheese plate, Stan drops Dorothy and is off and running to try and get Chrissy back. Because, after all:

Stan: Hey, terrific sex is better than nothing.

(He exits)

Dorothy: Here's to terrific sex. And the dumb blonde who's not gonna get any. 

That's all she wrote, folks! So, go on vacation, take off your toupee, and lift your glasses - to terrific sex. A noble thing. Whether you're getting it or not. 

Guest Stars: Herb Edelman - Stan

                       Simone Griffeth - Chrissy

Fun Fact: Herb Edelman, along with many, many other credits - starred in the legendary two part episode of The Love Boat where they travel to Hong Kong. Also on board that cruise? Brenda Vaccaro - who will become a part of the Golden Girl family down the line as Phil Petrillo's open minded, low voiced, good time wife.

Fashion Report: I've gotta go rogue this week and not pick one of the ladies. I'm giving it to Stan. Mainly because he was looking comfortable as hell in that robe!

Skip the Scungilli, Eat The Cake (S.1 E. 10)

S.1 E.10

The Heart Attack

Written by: Susan Harris

Directed by: Jim Drake

Aired: 11/23/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Ooooooh, Loooooooooord, it's a twister! Or, a, much heralded, Miami hurricane. 

Either way, the extras in this first scene had the easiest gig since the time I was background on All My Children and had to stand at a pretend indoor bus stop for 10 minutes and then we were dismissed for the day.  We join the scene as a wind blown Dorothy is bidding those extras safe travels as they run out the front door and DSR immediately off camera. Excellent work, everyone! Check's in the mail. 

We move inside and see two of my favorite things on this show:

1) The buffet table.

2) A chocolate cake on the buffet table. 

Whenever there's a buffet table, I enjoy the episode. A buffet means a party and a party means a good storyline, so, therefore buffet table = good episode. And the chocolate cake? The chocolate cakes on this show always look freaking delicious. They always look like dense, yellow cakes with thick chocolate frosting and I just want to stick my face in them. 

And the ladies? Well, they're pretty frosty at the moment too. At least, Ms. Blanche is. She is making fat joke after fat joke about poor Emma Jane from the party. Who's that? Who cares. I just know that this was a point in our television history where fat jokes were okey dokey! I feel bad for poor Emma Jane! Oh well... I have a feeling Blanche might change her tune about mocking the overweight... maybe...... once her DAUGHTER comes to visit! (Cue ominous music) Ahhhhh, but that's for another day. 

So, the party clean up starts and there are various conversations about how delicious the food was, how sexy Italian men love Blanche, and, about what a ball of energy Sophia is.  Well, here we go. This is one of a few rare episodes of the girls that genuinely only has one plot line. And that plot line is? 

The bubble. 

The bubble, you say? 

Yes, the bubble. 

Sophia has a bubble. In her chest. What's a bubble? Well, there's some debate about that. But, the consensus seems to be that it feels as though Pavarotti is on her chest. Which, is obviously not good. The doctor is out  - 

 

 - so, the paramedics have been called. Until they arrive, there's nothing to do except make coffee and discuss death. So, let's do that! Among other relatives, Sophia's mother died of old age, and her father fell off a donkey, so, at least they have healthy hearts in their family. Now, I have to say, I think Rose has the best concept for death. Strangely enough, it's something I've thought of too.

Rose: There shouldn't be heart attacks. Or Cancer, or anything like that. There should just be a certain age where you have to turn your life in. Like a library book. You pack a bag, you go, and that's that. 

Four stars. I agree. Circle gets the square.

But, we never really know when it will happen. So, best to get things in order. And Sophia does. With reminders about where the key to her safe deposit box is (underwear drawer), who should get the silver (Dorothy) and the side note that Dorothy is Sophia's favorite child. Interesting.... I'd bet that line would be followed by a joke of some sort. But, here, it's not. Hmmmm...

Let's check on the coffee. 

The in depth look at death and all that goes with it continues. Blanche has a theory - that people in Minnesota live longer because the cold air slows the aging process. Anyone from Minnesota care to chime in on that? Seems like it would be a great place to move if not for the fact that the only men they have there are... farmers... farmers. <<< (The opinions expressed by Blanche Devereaux in no way reflect those of the management here at Walnut Groove or Rose Nylund)

Rose, is concerned about being buried comfortably. She'd like the contents of a small studio apartment to keep her company. Blanche, on the other hand, wants a funeral akin to what Lincoln had. Both reasonable.

The coffee is finally ready. So, now we're all back in the living room. Sophia tells all the girls how much she loves them. Then decides to rest for a while. Now is when we get one of the best moments of the series for me. Rose finally talks about how Charlie died. It's a lovely little monologue about Charlie having a heart attack while they were making love. It's got a few little laughs in it, but, it's just so damn lovely. And I had read years ago, that when Betty White was doing this monologue, she was thinking about the loss of her own husband, Allen Ludden. And, maybe I'm reading into things, but, I feel like you can totally see that once you know it, and then you can't un-see it, and it will break your heart every, single time. It's just this show at its best.

Bad news - the paramedics can't get through because of the storm. So, they've just got to sit tight and freeze for a commercial break. They do. They then come back and the girls tentatively, but intrusively, check on Sophia.

THAT WOULD BE JARRING TO WAKE UP TO!

And it was. 

Sophia: AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
Dorothy: What Ma, what???
Sophia: What?? You're sitting on top of me, I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Well, Sophia insists that she died a little while she was napping. She's been to Heaven. She saw her husband, Sal. Jesus and God were busy. But, all in all, it's a great place and she wants to go back. But, for now, she'll pray with her rosary beads.

Sophia is left alone with Rose, which is probably a mistake if we're looking to keep Sophia motivated to not go back to Heaven. Especially when Rose starts to list the different categories of Heaven she believes exist:
Catholic: Churches, nuns, etc.
Protestant: People, cows, etc.
Jewish: Libraries, furriers, etc.

In Sophia's cozy, cozy bedroom, as Dorothy searches for the rosary beads, her and Blanche touch on the note that  - no matter what age you are - losing a parent makes you feel like a little child. This episode is so damn touching!!

The Doctor is finally back in! 


He made his way through the storm and beat the paramedics. After poking around Sophia's quadrants, all the while Sophia is pushing for him to eat, the good doctor inquires as to what Sophia has had to eat today. The list includes, but is not limited to:

1) Scungilli
2) Sausage and peppers
3) Fettucini Alfredo
4) Fried Mozzerella
5) Cannelloni
6) Mushrooms with Gorgonzola
7) Two boxes of Milk Duds

Well - I think we've found the cause of the bubble! Yeah. Gall bladder attack brought on by over eating. No one's dying tonight!

Dorothy gesticulates wildly to get Rose to throw the delicious leftovers away, and everything starts to wrap itself up. The food goes away. The happily married (Sorry, Blanche) Doctor goes away, and Sophia and Dorothy get to tell each other how happy they are that all turned out OK. Well, Dorothy is also happy that she's Sophia's favorite. Wait! Here it comes. The callback to our seemingly sincere moment earlier. Yeah... Dorothy's not the favorite. Nope. Not by a long shot. That was just said in the throes of death. Better luck next time, Dot.

We finish up under the light of a crescent moon in the kitchen. Some larger themes are approached here. And I like them. The girls become almost, philosophical. Wondering aloud, why, if death is everyone's inevitable ending, why they shouldn't do what they want while they're still alive? And what do they want to do? Same thing I want to do. EAT THE CHOCOLATE CAKE.



Just look at it. I looks - SO GOOD. With a little vanilla ice cream? Hot damn. Live while you can! Who wants to end up like Dorothy's friend who went to Paris, ate a salad, and then got crushed by a gargoyle? Not me! Well, after revving themselves up, they then think about the fact that they could eat, gain weight and live the next 40 years with their panties cutting off their circulation. So, instead, the decision is made to head off into the night to burn some calories, walking to Canada to look for Mounties. Excellent plan, ladies!

And to all... a good night!

(EAT THE CAKE)


Guest Stars: Ronald Hunter - Dr. Harris

Fun Fact: Charlie Lindstrom is not the only person to have a heart attack during sex and die. Lots of people have. And according to the internet, Nelson Rockefeller was one of them. And dying may not have been his only problem. He was having sex with his mistress at the time. Whoops. 

Fashion Report: Well, this was a one costume show. So, I'm going to post all four ensembles, and you can pick your favorite. I mean, when in doubt, always go with Dorothy. Especially when she's got a floor length dress with buttons down the back that looks like it was made from sweatshirt fabric. But, that's just me. To each his own!