JAPAN - Land of Confusion

There was a time in my life when I lived and worked in Japan.

It was the best of times - it was the worst of times. The best of times because my long held dream had finally come true. I was working for Disney. Amazing. I had auditioned, and auditioned, and auditioned for YEARS, and now was finally able to check this goal off my list. I was thrilled - to say the least.

It was the worst of times because I was not used to peeing in a hole in the ground, and having to clarify whether or not there were fish bits in, well... everything I ate. Everything.  NOT that I am dissing Japan. Far from it. How can you hate on a country that is so obsessed with Hello Kitty that they actually have an amusement park dedicated to her?  (Not kidding - San Rio Puroland) It was just, an adjustment.

So, let's talk about this time for a bit, shall we? We shall.

First off, let me mention my audition to get the job. I had flown down to Florida because years of auditioning in NYC had gotten me approximately 1,000 callbacks, and exactly Zero jobs. So, I figured I'd go directly to the source. You know you've auditioned too many times for a company when people in the office (whom you've never met before) see you and say, "Hey, love your new headshots!" You also know you've auditioned too many times when you say to those same office people, "So, do you guys just have a whole cabinet full of my audition tapes that you sit around and watch for fun while drinking margaritas?" And they say, "Well... not margaritas..." But, whatever. I was absolutely ecstatic when I got the job. I always say that I auditioned at noon, was hired by 3, and in EPCOT by 6, alone, crying to myself, "I'm gonna be a part of the magic" (happy sob, sob, sob).

Oh, and as a little sidenote - I called home to tell my parents about it. Know that calling my parents is always an adventure in lunacy. It usually involves one parent close to the phone, and the other yelling things to me, or at the other parent, in the background. Now for this next portion, you'll have to insert for yourself, a Long Island accent on my mother's portion of the conversation.
AJ: Sooooo, I'm done. I auditioned.
Kitty: And, what did they say?
AJ: They said - You're hired!
Kitty: WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: They said I'm hired. I'm going to Japan to be in a multimillion dollar show that has 50 people in it!
Kitty: BOB! SHE'S GOING TO JAPAN TO BE IN A 50 MILLION DOLLAR SHOW!!!!!!
Bob In Background: WHAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!
AJ: No, Ma - not a 50 million dollar show!
Kitty: WHAT!?!
AJ: It's a multimillion dollar show with 50 people in it! Not a 50 million dollar show! It's not Waterworld!
Kitty: OH, oh... oh, Bob, nevermind, it's got 50 people in it. Well, that's wonderful.

So a few months later, off I went. I had done a little research beforehand. Mainly research on the park, how many times I could go to the park, and how many days off we got so I could spend all of them in the park. And I think I might've checked the weather.

Now, I had done some traveling in Asia before this, so, it was not my first experience there. But, this was my first time in Japan, and, Japan is certainly it's own special place. There's a lot to cover, so, it won't fit into just one blog, but, that's good. It's something we can revisit every now and again for kicks.

I mentioned above going to the bathroom, and eating. Well, let's start with one of those basics. The bathroom situation in Japan is truly a fascinating thing. Mainly because it runs the complete gamut from your wildest dreams come true, to your worst nightmare.

The Japanese have perfected the toilet in ways that you cannot fathom here in America.  They're working on a higher plane. To paraphrase Ilie Nastase about Bjorn Borg: We're building toilets - they're building something else. Ok, so, you see a Japanese toilet, and the first thing you will notice is that there is a whole Captain Kirk like control panel on one of the sides of the seat. Intrigued? You should be. It's a series of buttons and diagrams that you could spend hours playing with. In fact, if you're in Asia with someone for the first time, and they spend an unreasonable amount of time in the bathroom, it's not actually cause for alarm! They're probably just enjoying everything that toilet has to offer. (or possibly dealing with some unexpected fish they ate because who expects fish to be in cracker form????)

The buttons usually consist of several things - that I have titled, The Bidet, The Butt Washer, Temperature Control, Pressure, and on some extra special toilets, The Music Notes. Let me just say this right now if you haven't already figured it out - if you're ever in Japan and come across one of these toilets with all the buttons, ALWAYS PRESS ALL OF THE BUTTONS! Go to town. Get every bit of your moneys worth out of that trip. Life is too short. You never want to go to your grave thinking, "If only..."

The Bidet works like a normal bidet does, it's just included within the toilet. It'll give you a little 'under the hood' refresher right when ya need it. The brilliance though is that you can change the temperature of the water, the pressure of the water, AND the angle at which the water hits you! Completely customizable. Bam. The Butt Washer is very similar to the bidet, except for two things. First - it's nozzle is in a different place within the toilet, thereby hitting at different angles. And, second - the picture indicator for it is a subtle drawing of butt cheeks. So, it makes me giggle. But, again, completely customizable.  Temperature Control and Pressure work with both. Oh, and... the seats themselves are also heated. Have I mentioned that??? That is a stroke of brilliance that is insanely enjoyable. Especially for us ladies. Nothing's worse than a cold toilet seat in the middle of a winter night. Amirite?? And finally we come to - the music notes. What in the what? Right? Well, here again is the perfect combination of the brilliance and the weirdness that make up Japan. The Music Notes (usually a pair of 1/8 notes) are actually, a SOUND EFFECT OF A FLUSH! Yes. You press that button WHILE you're going in order to mask whatever sounds of funkiness you might be making WHILST you go! The Japanese, in some ways, are a very demure culture. So, no one would want to be humiliated by making some funky fish cracker sounds in a public place. And, if you got a problem, yo, they'll solve it. Hence - The Music Notes Button. Of course, what was funny to me was that it completely sounds like a canned sound effect of a flush, not an actual flush. So, the second you use it, everyone around you knows you're doing something funky in there. Your secret is out. But, I guess, on the whole, it's a more pleasant sound to have to listen to.

Sidenote - I spoke so highly of the Japanese toilets, that my parents actually purchased a heated toilet seat for their house. It is AMAZING! When I visit, I actually look forward to having a 'board meeting' or two (euphemism) up in there. 

And, now that you've gotten all the basics - here's an example of the classic Japanese toilet control panel -

(*Note the option on this one for the "Powerful Deodorizer." If this option is there, do mankind a solid, (Especially if YOU'RE doing a solid) and use it. Thank you.)

Remember when I said it was also, the worst of times? Well, here we go - That toilet sounds like da' bomb, right? Well, it is. But, since the Japanese are a bundle of contradictions, sometimes, things are not what you expect, or hope for them to be. I take you now to - the hole in the ground. Yes, sometimes, it's a luxurious temperature controlled bastion of paradise, and sometimes - it's literally - a hole in the ground. Most Westerners (myself included) hold that as one of their biggest fears when traveling through Asia. Having to desperately relieve yourself, and seeing just The Hole.

It can be terrifying. And, the first few times you try one, it can be side splittingly (not to mention pants wettingly) funny. That's how it was for me. I remember the first one I encountered was in a mall. I was left with no choice. I was shaky, and skeeved out, and got my business done, but, in that way that doesn't feel nearly as satisfying afterwards as it usually does.

Well, time passes and people bloom and grow. And, that's what happened to me. In my old age, I have now learned to embrace The Hole. Yes, folks, embrace it. It's like if you see a Justin Bieber fan on the street. Don't scowl and run the other way. Embrace it, knowing that there may be more to it than meets the eye. (probably not, that kid's a tool) REAL TALK - here's the thing with holes, or, squatters as they're also called. It's all in knowing the proper way to use them. Most people are so skeeved that they try to stay as high up and far away from the actual hole as possible. Now, all this does is tense up your thighs and make it nearly impossible for anything to flow as it should. Not to mention, messy. Here's what you must do. Listen, child - COMMIT TO THE SQUAT. That's right. Commit to the squat. Get all the way down there. Don't be scared. Once you squat fully you'll realize the brilliance of these 'toilets.'
1) Your body is now completely aligned to do what it needs to do with no interference.
2) You don't have to worry about putting down toilet paper, or, a seat cover, because you're not actually sitting on anything!
3) Excellent way to keep your legs limber without going to the gym.
4) The entire operation is completely sanitary!!! The flusher is usually a button on the floor that you tap with your foot. So, you can get in and get out without actually touching any part of the toilet!

I see nothing but positives here. THIS is why they have endured for thousands of years. Smarts. I now actually look forward to every toilet variation they can come up with. Including this one:

Ok, so, in case this all wasn't clear enough:

And, while we're being abundantly clear... it goes both ways...

ALL toilets can be used for good, if used properly.

Well, my my, this certainly has gone on, hasn't it? There's just so much to say. Well, we'll continue with Japan another time. For now though, I say - Come One, Come ALL to Japan! No matter what your preference, there's no better place to do your 'business.'