S.1 Ep.13
A Little Romance
Written By: Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan
Directed By: Terry Hughes
Aired: 12/14/85
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve done a recap. I’ve been away doing very important charity work. Collecting and distributing shoulder pads to needy, sexy people from 1986. They’re all set now. And over here we have a classic episode. So, let’s jump back in!
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry
Sophia is singing. She’s singing whilst packing for a week long trip to visit her son, Phil and his wife, Brenda Vaccaro, The Welder. Easy packing job. Apparently all she needs is a silk nightgown and clam sauce.
Should be a humdinger of a trip. Sophia’s grandson has graduated school. Animal grooming school. He’s officially authorized to put that little poof on the end of a poodle’s tail. Mazel.
We continue to set up our story lines of the day in the living room. Blanche regales with tales of meeting men in a whole new way. By being the volunteer subject for a CPR class. It was a six hour class wherein we assume that she was the only female. Or, if she wasn’t, she wasn’t complaining. And then our dear Rose comes in wearing a genuine silk dress. She has a hot date tonight with a psychiatrist from the grief center. Dr. Jonathan Newman. (And just to keep organized, we’re going to stick with the Bea Arthur Standard Liquid U pronunciation on that name across the board.) Now, the girls, of course are highly intrigued by Rose’s date. One, because Rose is seeing a psychiatrist - enough said. Solid jokes there. And two, because he’s a man, a doctor and she’s been out with him five times. So, naturally they want to meet him. AND his eligible doctor friends. But, Rose is… hesitant… she does not seem anxious to introduce him to the girls. But, you know who is anxious? Sophia. She wants to get to the airport. She’s leaking clam sauce. So, off they go.
As night falls on Richmond St. several things have disappeared. The sun, Rose’s sense of humor, and, her lips. She is angry. The girls are setting the table on the lanai as they try to calm Rose down. See, what happened was, Blanche did what Blanche tends to do. Just barreled on ahead despite Rose’s wishes and invited Dr. Newman over for dinner. And Rose is so upset her lips might not reappear till morning. She reminds the girls that he is a very special person and that she does not want them upsetting him. Dorothy, as relaxed as anyone would be in a blouse this big, assures her nothing can possibly go wrong!
Well, famous last words, right?
Blanche, of course, also sees no danger ahead. After all, Dr. Newman analyzed her dream over the phone. You know the one:
Blanche: That recurring dream I have where I’m running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty body builder chases me?* He said he thinks it’s sexual.
Dorothy: He thinks? For God’s sake Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.
*Note: This is in my top ten of Rue line readings of all time. “sweatybodybuilderchasesmaaay?” - Perfection.
The doorbell rings and we finally get our big reveal. Dr. Jonathan Newman is a little person. And as they have with anything else unexpected that pops into their lives, the girls handle this information with as much grace and aplomb as you would expect. Blanche slams the door in his face assuming he’s one of the Donaldson boys. Dorothy offers to take his height instead of his hat. And then Blanche returns for one more round of complete humiliation as she makes the assumption that Rose hired Jonathan to pretend to be her date just to mess with her. At this rate we might not see Rose’s lips again until next season.
Well, Dorothy takes Blanche aside in the kitchen to give her a little pep talk to get her through the rest of the evening. Now, granted, Dorothy didn’t handle things all that well either, but, she’s a notch above Blanche. So, she reminds Blanche that the doctor is a guest in their home - which, of course, brings out Blanche’s cotillion training. She’s ready to be the perfect hostess, to bring in the hors d’oeuvres, to offer the man shrimp, hear herself say it and run right back into the kitchen. Oh well, so much for that.
Jonathan seems to be handling all of this quite well. He’s enjoying the nervous energy in the house for sure. And you know what we all enjoy? The longest pause in the world. The longest pause ever taken by an actor, ever, ever, ever.
Dorothy: Why don’t we just start dinner?
Dr. Newman: Oh good, what are we having?
(LONGEST PAUSE IN THE WORLD EVER TAKEN BY AN ACTOR EVER, EVER, EVER.)
Dorothy: … Short ribs.
That’s a scene button if I’ve ever heard one.
As an even later part of the night falls on Richmond Street, things are decidedly looking up. Dinner is finished, and everyone has gotten to know what a special person Jonathan is. He’s knowledgable, he’s a world traveler, he apparently would love to know what it’s like to be the center on the Boston Celtics. He’s a class act. And perfectly fine with his height. Well, it looks like everything is under control.
CUE SOPHIA.
She’s back early from her trip. Turns out her grandson wasn’t dedicated enough to his studies to perfect the poodle poof, so, no graduation ceremony to attend.
Now, the moment Sophia comes eye to eye with Jonathan is one of those beautiful moments. Nothing needs to be said. Every person in that studio audience (and you folks at home) is thinking the exact same thing - “Oh crap. What is she gonna say…” It’s delicious.
But, surprise surprise, our worldly and wise Sophia handles the moment beautifully. Her main concern is that she’s seeing what she thinks she’s seeing and didn’t have another stroke. All clear, girl.
Well, the evening is over, but not before Jonathan asks Rose to meet with him again and talk about something important. Her suspicion? He’s going to propose…. Cue dishes crashing, stunned women, and a commercial break.
Ok, the evening is not over. We continue into the kitchen to discuss the bombshell Rose just dropped. And, to clean up the broken dishes. Rose really does love Jonathan, but, she’s self conscious about his height. It’s a tough issue. And tough issues are something Blanche Devereaux knows about. We now get a parable about Blanche’s high school boyfriend, Benjamin. Their relationship was frowned upon by the bigots of her small town. Would she brave the public outcry and let Benjamin take her to the senior prom? Did she have the courage? Yes, she did. What a powerful story. Oh, and by the way, Benjamin wasn’t African American. He was from New Jersey. She went to her senior prom with a Yankee!!! Powerful.
Well, now it’s time folks. Time to move into one of the best dream sequences in the history of television. Rose decides she needs to sleep on things in order to figure out what to do. She “awakens” to herself in a wedding gown and Dorothy and Blanche not overacting in any way at all. It’s her wedding day to Jonathan. And Sophia literally comes out of a closet dressed like Father Guido Sarducci.
And from that same closet comes Billy Barty! Playing Rose’s dead daddy. Back from the beyond in little person form to teach Rose that she needs follow her heart. True love is about what’s on the inside. Similar point are made by both Dorothy and Blanche whilst doing their best Billie Burke as Glinda impressions. Yes, Rose needs to make this decision alone. Since no one can predict the future. EXCEPT - for Famed Psychic Jeane Dixon! Who happens to be one of the wedding guests! Well, unfortunately, she has no clear vision for our couples future. But, she does seem fairly certain that Brooke Shields and Lady Di are going to star in a musical comedy together.
Jonathan comes out of the bathroom in a dapper looking tux, and Rose decides to go for it. She wakes up from her dream clutching her pillow and feeling more confident about the future. The girls are proud of their Lil' Rose.
Sophia: What’s going on?
Blanche: Rose has decided to keep on seeing Jonathan.
Sophia: Fine. We’re all adults here. Let the man outta the pillow case. We don’t mind if he sleeps over.
Damn, that’s funny.
We now head to a lovely restaurant for the moment of truth. The important conversation between Rose and Dr. Jonathan Newman. (Are you still saying the liquid U? I hope so.) Well, this is very serious. Jonathan cares for Rose very much, but acknowledges that there is a problem that they simply cannot overlook. Rose agrees. But, she’s come to terms with his height and she’s ok with it, she assures him. No. No. Psych, no. That’s not it. Jonathan is dumping Rose because she’s not Jewish. Surprised?? So was Rose. And the information goes over about as well as a burned brisket. Rose makes a spectacle of herself. She’s upset - well wouldn’t you be??? But, after a tense moment, our two possible paramours turn back into simple friends. And we’re able to happily wrap up this episode right around where we started it.
Waiter: How was the shrimp?
Rose: Unfortunately, I’ll never know… you see he’s Jewish and we can’t see each other anymore.
Music and credits.
I mean, no wonder this episode won them an Emmy.
Guest Stars:
Brent Collins - Dr. Jonathan Newman
Billy Barty - Edgar Lindstrom
Brent Collins - Dr. Jonathan Newman
Billy Barty - Edgar Lindstrom
Jeane Dixon - Herself
Fun Fact: I could write an entire separate blog post on fun facts about this episode strictly based on the guest actors involved. But, let’s try to narrow it down to my favorites:
1) This episode won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan.
2) “Psychic” Jeane Dixon - According to the internet, her last words were “I knew this would happen.”
3) Billy Barty - what a career! 197 IMDB credits ranging from 1927-2001. Starting off in vaudeville, then, shorts where he played Mickey Rooney’s younger brother. Then, working in films with Joan Blondell, Ginger Rogers, Kirk Douglas and James Cagney to name a few. Guest roles in the 70’s/80’s classics, Little House on the Prairie, Love Boat and Fantasy Island. And, he guest starred on an episode of Trapper John, MD - which also starred our beloved Stan - Herb Edelman.
Fashion Report: Well, who wouldn’t be a fan of Dorothy’s enormous shirt, or Blanche’s smart pant suit? But, for this episode I’ve got to give the prize to - Famed Psychic Jeane Dixon! She is 100% committed to this look. From the hat, to the hair swoop around the hat, to the scarf/cape thingy, to the fabulous wide belt. It’s a total winner.
And, if you've made it this far - thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. And, I hope to be back with another installment soon!
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