S.1 E.2
“Guess Who’s Coming to the Wedding”
Written by: Winifred Hervey
Directed by: Paul Bogart
Aired: 9/21/85
I am so happy to be beyond all of the exposition of the pilot and on to really establishing our girls! And BOY - have I missed you! Sorry, Trudy, I meant, BOY - does this episode start to get us into the groove! From cheese balls, to put downs, to a fashion choice from hell - it’s really got it all.
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Here we go.
The girls are in the living room just enjoying the wicker. Well, they’re not ALL enjoying it, because, surprise, surprise, Dorothy is annoyed! Is it because of the pink pup tent she’s wearing? Oh, no. There’s far worse pink coming down the pike today. She’s annoyed because her daughter Kate is late! And she’s taking it out on anyone in her path. She’s also nervous, because Kate is bringing home the first man she’s been serious about since Paul McCartney. And, he’s apparently a doctor! Ooooooohh! Dorothy tells the ladies that if Kate marries this guy, she’ll shout from every rooftop in Miami “My son in law’s a doctor!” In fact, she’s so excited to shout it she barely takes a breath, and it stresses me out every time I hear her say that line. Take a breath, Dot. It’s OK.
The doorbell rings, and here we have, Kate! Well, Kate #1. The Golden Girls, not being sticklers for continuity, had more than one “Kate” over the years. Why? We’ll probably never know. Or, maybe someone knows right now. But, this is who we’ve got for the moment, so, let’s enjoy her, shall we? Sophia makes her first entrance, in the coziest looking robe I’ve ever seen, announcing that she can’t find her culottes. This is a fabulous entrance line, and I think it should be used a lot more in the world. Enter a room today and just yell “I can’t find my culottes!” I bet someone will pay attention.
Kate the First announces that the day after tomorrow, she and Doctor Dennis are flying to the Bahamas and getting married. Dorothy is positively weak in the knees with joy. Her daughter is marrying a doctor!……. (change tone) “innnnnnnnnn… the Bahamas.” Well, the winds came out of those sails pretty quick, huh? Why, the Bahamas? Kate explains that they’d like to avoid the awkwardness of having her divorced parents in the same room together. Dorothy pleads with Kate to reconsider and have the wedding in Miami, and Rose and Blanche offer up their services to make it a lovely affair. Dorothy and Kate then cuddle together cheek to cheek and look off into the distance as if they’re on the cover of an R&H cast album. Until Kate insists (reasonably) that both of her parents should be at the wedding. Dorothy gives in with a loving:
Dorothy: Then it’s settled. Now, call your father and tell the dirtbag he can come.
Dorothy, the one who gave him the best years of her thighs, calls Stan and, begrudgingly, invites him to the wedding. This gives me a chance to mention one of my favorite Girls Games. It’s called “Try To Be The Person On The Other End Of That Phone Call.” I’ve noticed that when the girls are on a call, the person on the other end would need to be the guy that does the voiceover for the small print at the end of car commercials in order to actually say what they need to say in the allotted time. In other words, it’s fast. Since I need fulfillment in my life, I try to do it. It’s a Sisyphean task. Find your culottes, and try it.
OK - Stan is coming to the wedding. Chrissy (Stan’s new wife) can’t make it due to a tanning machine accident. The stage is now officially set for this Elizabethan revenge drama!
Let’s all go to the kitchen after some time passes.
Dorothy and Sophia are putting together rice bundles as Blanche is supervising her “wedding elves.” A concerned looking Rose summons Dot and B. to the living room to discuss some very distressing news. Sophia has been pilfering cheese balls. At last! The secondary story line is here! I love Sophia and I love cheese. I’m in. Side note - the cheese balls in question, appear to be green. Why are the cheese balls green? Green!
The doorbell rings and here we have, Kate(1) and Dennis…. who is also part of The Golden Girls Lease Program. At a later date, he too, will be traded in for a newer model. Intros all around. (If you watch this a million times, you might notice that Dorothy does a quick glance at Rose’s cleavage as she introduces Dennis to her - I’m not reading into it, just noting it for historical purposes.) We then find out that Dennis is … a … PODIATRIST! A leper, you say?? No! A podiatrist. But, from the reaction that Dorothy has, the two seem interchangeable.
So, the girls then grill Dennis(1) on his practice, how many feet he sees in a week, and whether or not he knows Dr. Scholl. He passes all tests.
Kate: You think dad’ll like him?
Dorothy: Of course. (Take to camera) As long as he stays young and firm.
ALL HANDS ON DECK! ALL HANDS ON DECK! The monstrosity hath arrived! And I don’t mean Stan! I mean, the outfit of the day! The week! Hell, the year. The oversized pink silk palazzo pants with oversized pink lace top with white tuxedo collared shirt, to end all oversized pink silk palazzo pants with oversized pink lace top with white tuxedo collared shirts. Thank you, Judy Evans. Thank you from the bottom of our collective hearts. I don’t know what inspired you, but you have fired on all cylinders for this one.
Dorothy opens that door and gives us our very first - Dorothy slamming the door in Stan’s face - moment. And it’s perfect. Bea Arthur has the world’s greatest comedic timing. And this is a great example of it. I love this moment. Well, Dot let’s him in and we finally get to meet Stan (Who’s wearing a lei. To remind us he came in from Hawaii?) He, and his toupee, are introduced to the girls. Sophia confuses him for Donny Osmond.
Stan: It’s the hair, makes me look different.
Sophia: It makes you look stupid.
Our bride enters and Stan makes a patronizing speech commending Dorothy for handling their divorce so well. Dorothy spends a good long while being held back as she barks like a vicious dog, while Sophia (with her enormous camera), Kate v.1 and Stan leave for the church. The rest of the girls convince Dorothy she has no choice but to deal with Stan for the duration of the day. Rose and Blanche stand outside the doorway as Dorothy goes. They stare off into the distance as if it were a grand vista. As they do, Blanche gives us our first moment where she drifts from a metaphor (We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand) into sexual fantasy (spoiler alert: Blanche loves tight pants on men). And, finally, everyone is off to the wedding!
Later that day, a full room of extras never to be seen again, are celebrating the happy couple! Dorothy is sniping at Stan. Stan is being a total jerk, and showing off pictures of him and Chrissy all over Hawaii. You might be thinking right about now - what ever happened to our secondary story? Well, here she comes! Rose is standing guard over the cheese balls. (Which are now a mix of orange and green. Seriously - what are they??) She WAS watching Dorothy, but, every time she did, Sophia took a cheese ball. Blanche tells Rose that no one like the cheeseballs anyway. And proving that point - Rose offers one to the priest and his review is as follows: Now I know what I’m giving up for Lent. And this is where we conclude our secondary story. It was fun while it lasted.
Dot and Stan escalate their sniping until Blanche steps in to calm Dorothy down. After some mild petting and another drift into sexual fantasy, Blanche let’s Dorothy in on a sorority secret she learned while at Miss MacGyver’s Finishing School. Whenever she feels tense, she should just give Blanche’s hand a little squeeze.
Dorothy: That’s the big secret?
Blanche: No, the big secret was Miss MacGyver and Miss McKee were sharing a one bedroom apartment off campus.
To which, Dot responds with an almost Ralph Kramden like Arm Flail of Frustration. Stan then makes a terrible toast praising his new wife, and Dorothy squeezes Blanche’s hand so hard she falls to the ground. Sophia has a line about priests having “last rites quotas like parking tickets." Which I feel like is usually cut from network broadcasts. Dorothy then enters from the kitchen with a large knife. Rose screams, shoves her back in the kitchen and tells her he isn’t worth it. Ohhhhhhhhh - she was just going to cut the wedding cake. Phew!
Dorothy (who is moving from room to room very quickly) is now sitting alone on her bed.
She cannot deal with Stan anymore. Sophia comforts her by telling her she’s acting like a jerk. And then philosophizes that anger is like a piece of shredded wheat stuck under your dentures. She’s gotta deal with Stan. Dorothy relents.
The extras are still there. Saying goodbye to the newlyweds before they head off to their honeymoon. (In the Bahamas?) Dorothy gives the best advice ever to Kate:
Be his friend. Be his lover. Don’t be his slave.
And then advises the doctor:
If you hurt her, I’ll kill you.
Dorothy then decides she doesn’t want these extras getting any overtime so she yells at everyone to get out. Try that at your next party. They obey, because they’re not fools. Rose yells a blanket: Be happy! Which I always enjoy because it’s so delightfully non-specific. It’s simple. Just like Rose. Stan tries to get out and Dorothy stops him and orders him to the lanai for (cue Les Mis music here) The Confrontation.
This is the moment Dorothy has been waiting for since the moment Stan walked out on her. And the first thing she does is gold - she rips his toupee right off his head. She then proceeds with an epic monologue. It’s fantastic. All the things you go through in 38 years of marriage - kids, surgery, dinners, the lean years - all of it. Stan had a choice and took the easy way out. Dorothy found out her marriage was ending from a lawyer. And now, she gets to finally have closure. To say, “Goodbye.” Stan tries to interject and Dorothy cuts him off with, I said, goodbye, Stan. And he leaves. Boom. Mic drop - Dorothy.
Dorothy now lays on the lounge chair like Sarah Bernhardt. A big, pink, silky, Sarah Bernhardt. The girls (all looking lovely in their wedding ensembles, if I haven’t mentioned), enter to see how Dorothy is coping. They tell her to take it one day at a time, and eventually, Stan will be out of her life completely. No, Dorothy counters, there will always be a little part of him with her. Memories, they counter? No, not memories, counters Dot. This. She pulls Stan’s toupee out from under her palazzos for the perfect button to this fabulous episode.
Game, Set, Cheese ball - Ms. Zbornak.
Guest Stars:
Kate (v.1) - Lisa Jane Persky
Dennis (v.1) - Dennis Drake
Stan - Herb Edelman
Priest - Kurt Smildsin
Fun Fact: Dennis Drake was a co-producer on 5 episodes of Will & Grace and wrote 2 episodes of The Nanny!
Fashion Report: Duh.
See ya next time!
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