Gin Rummy and the High Seas (S.1 E.3)

S.1 E. 3

Rose The Prude

Written By: Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan

Directed By: Jim Drake

Aired: 9/28/85

Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry - Wait a minute. Rose the Prude? A bit of a judgmental title, no? Is it? Am I reading too much into that? I mean, are we “Prude Shaming” Rose before we even hit the first scene? Maybe not. I’m not sure, but, If so, I’m agin’ it. Our innocent Minnesota farm girl might have a perfectly good reason for not wanting any hanky panky, right? In fact, I’ll bet she does… oh yes, I’ll bet she does. (Cue ominous music). So, back it up Barry and Mort. Mind your business. Maybe a better title would’ve been, Rose The Woman Who Thinks Carefully Before Making Important Decisions And Does The Best She Can Using Whatever Emotional Wherewithal She Has At The Time And That’s Just Too Bad If It Doesn’t Work For Everyone Else ‘Cause It’s Really None Of Your Business. I mean, my guess is that it wouldn’t have been as strong an episode with that title, but, I’m just saying - “prude” is rude. 

Our story begins with our secondary story, and oh, what a secondary story it is. Now, it’s not nearly as spellbinding as The Mystery of The Missing Cheese Balls (A Tale Told In Two Scenes), but, I’m sure it’ll entertain us none the less. Dorothy and Sophia are playing Gin Rummy on the lanai. Dorothy is not doing well. In fact, she never does well. We discover in this scene, that Dorothy has been losing to Sophia at cards for 30 years. Yet she keeps coming back for more. Interesting to note here that Sophia mentions being 80 years old. As I mentioned in the pilot of the show, Sophia’s age really moves around a bit at the beginning of the series, until it settles into 85, and pretty much stays there for the majority of the 7 year run (And, maybe even into Golden Palace?). But, here, she’s a spry 80. Good for her. 

We hear what will become the all too familiar and comforting “click, click, click” of Blanche’s heels entering the lanai. Blanche is in a bind. She has a double date tonight and needs someone to complete the foursome. Dorothy refuses to go. She feels that tonight will be the night that she finally defeats Sophia at cards. There’s your secondary story - enjoy. Rose joins the scene and Blanche tries to recruit her for the evening. Rose is not interested. In fact, she has no interest in dating since losing her husband. 

Blanche: That’s not true honey, or you’d let your hair go natural. 

Rude? Yes. Funny? Also, yes. For the record - I don’t mind when the girls mock each other mercilessly. ‘Cause that’s the fun part. I live for that. I just didn’t like the title of the episode, and was looking for a way to start the recap. Ok? Ok.

So, Rose agrees to accompany Blanche on the date.  She ain’t happy about it though. She’s tired of going out and not enjoying herself. On her last date the man talked about his prostate for two hours. And, in 51 years of living in Minnesota, Rose had never even heard of a prostate! 

Dorothy: Honey, they don’t have ‘em there, it’s too cold. 

Sophia calls “Gin” and we see Dorothy rage with the heat of 1,000 angry Miami suns. 

Now, before we move on to the next scene - I would be remiss if I did not discuss Dorothy’s outfit in this scene. I use the term “outfit” loosely. When I decided I wanted to pick an Outfit of the Day, I knew I’d have some fabulous choices, but, man, so far there is a clear winner every time. And this week is no exception. Now, I realize that Dorothy is staying in for the evening and just playing cards, so no need to dress up - but, she is wearing this… well…. this swath of fabric? This large swath of fabric with shoulder pads (maybe?) and no indication of any other body parts within except feet? I mean, it’s like they went to a Joann’s and just said, “We’d like whatever fabric you would use for baseball uniforms, and gives us all of it. No, don’t cut it, we just need it in one large piece. We’ll take it from there.” And, then just cut holes for the head and feet. It’s not flattering. No ma’am. Allow me to show you:

And she wears this for more than one scene. It’s totally featured. WWTGD? (What Would Tim Gunn Do?)

Later that same day (for all you Apartment 3G fans), Blanche comes through the door in our runner up Outfit of the Day. She looks like a lovely, shiny, ball of sunshine. But, she does not look happy. Her displeasure though, cannot compete with what we hear in the kitchen. We hear Sophia call “Gin” again, followed by a crash and then an angry Dorothy enters the room. Sophia follows her and flaunts her winnings. Dorothy says she’s through playing cards with her. Sophia tells Dorothy she’ll be back for more. She won’t be able to help herself, because she’s too competitive. 

Blanche then fills Dorothy in on the double date. It was a complete disaster. Her guy was a total dud. Rose, on the other hand, had a fabulous time. And just then, Rose enters. She gives her version of the date. It was a wild time. They ran a toll booth. So, Rose is elated, and Blanche is kind of being a bitch about it. So, Dorothy reminds Blanche that she has had many wonderful dates in the past. Blanche drifts off into another sexual memory which includes a Miami Dolphins coach and adhesive tape. Dot advises Blanche to take a shower. Then, Dot gets up, and heads for the front door. The doorbell hasn’t rung. No one has knocked. It’s night time. She’s in her Little League Gigantor Fabric Wrap. So - why is she headed for the door? No idea. The scene ends. We’ll never know. 

Another day and another time in the living room, Dorothy is using her meat hooks to help Blanche open a jar of macadamia nuts. Sophia passes through and mentions that she’s going to meet with her club. A group of ladies who send in photos to Willard Scott and tell him they’re 100 years old. Dated Reference Alert! Children, back in the 1980’s Willard Scott was a very jolly and popular weatherman, who used to feature senior citizens who had turned 100 years old on his broadcasts. It was a more innocent time. Sophia opens the front door, and there is Rose in an embrace with - Miles?? Miles, is that you??? Yay! It’s Miles! Wait. Nope. It’s not Miles. It’s Harold Gould, yes. But, no - in his first appearance on The Golden Girls, Harold is not playing Miles. He’s playing Arnie. NOT to be confused with Impotent Ernie. This is Not Impotent Arnie. Well, Arnie doesn’t make it in the house yet. He’s left at the door. Blanche comments that things look like they’re getting serious. Rose, looking upset, exits to the lanai, and the girls follow. 

Ooh! We get another great Dated Reference here. 

Blanche: Is it about Arnie?

Dorothy: No Blanche, she’s upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke. 

You see kids, back in the 1980s’ - oh, just go look it up. Coke was confused in the 80’s. Here’s the deal - Arnie has asked Rose to go on a cruise with him to the Bahamas. Rose is nervous because she hasn’t been with a man since Charlie. And Charlie was her first, and only. Blanche, of course, is mystified by this concept. Dorothy explains that, not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port.  Well said. With the girls encouragement, Rose decides to go for it. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I would not suggest following Blanche’s advice to only wear a lifejacket and a great big smile. I’ve been on a lot of cruises, and, unless you’re with a very specific charter group - they frown on that. 

We cut to Rose and Arnie in their cabin on the ship. Both in their robes. I love Rose’s robe. I pretty much love everything these women wear to bed. Anyway, they’re having some very awkward small talk about terrycloth. Then, it’s time to turn in. Rose doesn’t budge. Arnie takes out his awesome 80’s tape player and puts on some Glenn Miller. Rose likes Glenn Miller. I mean, she wasn’t in the search party, but, she likes him. They dance. Rose keeps reminiscing about Charlie and how much Arnie reminds her of him. But, he’s not Arnie. Or Miles. Or even Samuel Plankmaker. He’s Arnie Peterson from Plainfield, NJ. After an intense kiss, Rose breaks away and runs into the bathroom. 

Let’s check on things back in the kitchen. None of the girls can sleep. They’re all wondering how Rose is doing. We then get a great conversation about how long they each waited to be with another man after their husbands were gone. For Blanche, it was the reverend at the funeral. She could feel the attraction between them. She knew he wanted her. Dorothy gives an incredibly deep and sultry (for her) sounding “Aaaaaaaaaand?” 

Blanche: And, it took 10 minutes, he left his watch and his socks on and I never saw him again. 

Sophia mentions that her husband Sal never took off his pants for sex! Ahhhh, l’amour. For Dorothy her divorce lawyer was right after Stan’s departure. Classic exchange coming! Dorothy laments how when you get older if you lean over, it looks like someone let the air out of your face. Blanche has doubt. So, Dorothy tells her to try it. Blanche leans over a mirror and is aghast! 

Dorothy: Only on your back. That way everything slides back and you look like you had a facelift.

Blanche leans back and is gorgeous once again. 

Blanche: I’m gonna have to meet men lying down. 

Sophia: I thought you did. 

I love all of these “no one can sleep” scenes on the show. There are lots of them over the years, and for me they’re really the heart of the show. All the ladies have great moments in them, and add the cheesecake and the cozy robes, and it’s just classic comfort television. 

We’re back at sea the next morning and Arnie is still pleading for Rose to come out of the bathroom. She finally does and explains that her hesitancy is because she hasn’t been with a man since Charlie. Arnie is understanding and notes that Charlie really must have been something. Little does he know that years from now we’ll find out that Charlie was REALLY something. In both size and stamina. Anyway, Arnie gets it. He went through the same feelings after his wife was killed by a drunk driver. Then, Rose reveals her true fear. (Cue ominous music again). Charlie died while they were making love. Ahhhhhh. Yikes. And Rose is afraid that if she does it again, she might kill Arnie too. See?? I told you she probably had a good reason, Barry and Mort! Well, Arnie reassures her that he’s healthy as a horse and all will be fine. Rose asks him to hold her and we end the scene on a very sweet moment between the two of them. 

Let’s bring this one home. To the living room. Sophia is trying to get Dorothy to play cards again. Dorothy is not having it. Not interested. Sophia explains that she’s not really interested in playing cards either. She actually likes it for the talking. They’ve had some of their best talks over card games. Awwww, sweet. Just then Rose’s cab pulls up and the girls anxiously debate whether or not she did it with Arnie. Dot expressly forbids the ladies to ask about it. So, naturally, Sophia immediately asks Rose if they played Find the Cannoli. Rose, missing that joke, goes on to describe what a wonderful time they had on the cruise. From Monte Carlo Night, to Jazzercise, to a Hootenanny, she goes on and on. Well, Dorothy loses her patience completely and busts out with the question they all want answered. Rose won’t answer. She’s a polite (not prude) farm girl and won’t discuss such things. So, Dorothy tells her to leave the room, and if she doesn’t return, then they’ll know she didn’t do it. But, if she does return, then they’ll know she did do it. 

Rose leaves, and then peaks her head back around the corner and smiles. The girls all celebrate. Rose confirms that it was wonderful and she feels great beginning a new part of her life. Blanche exits with Rose, to help her unpack and get all the juicy details. 

Dorothy and Sophia now start to play cards again. As they do, they gossip about the family. The scene plays out as Sophia relays a story about their Aunt Jean and Charles Boyer swimming nude in a pool. And with that, we roll the end credits. 

I have to say, this episode doesn’t make me laugh out loud quite as much as others, but, I think it serves a valuable purpose. Last week, we got to see Dorothy share a serious side of her life and the after effects of Stan leaving her. This week, we get to know more about what makes Rose tick. These early episodes are really doing such a wonderful job of making us laugh, while, at the same time, letting us get to know and love these ladies. I just heart this show. Heart, heart, heart. I’m gonna go put on a cozy robe now. 

Guest Star: Harold Gould

Fun Fact: Harold Gould went on to play Miles in the later seasons of The Golden Girls. But, prior to that, he played Martin Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show (and Rhoda), which also featured Betty White as Sue Ann Nivens. And, as Martin Morgenstern, he played husband to Ida Morgenstern, played by Nancy Walker, who also appeared on The Golden Girls as Sophia’s sister, Angela. The world is very tiny. 

Fashion Report: Shoulder pads and draping will just be the way of the world for Dorothy for the duration of the show. I have no idea if it was her preference? But, I think it’s a shame that we’ll never really know if the woman had a waist. Blanche, on the other hand, was right on point this week. As was Rose in her standard pastels. Let’s take another look at the Outfit of the Day though, just so you can keep seeing it every time you close your eyes today. 

We get it, Dot. We get it. Mad condolences on the ensemble.