S.1 Ep.18
The Operation
Written By: Winifred Hervey
Directed By: Terry Hughes
Aired: 2/8/86
Knuckle Bite™/Drip Dry. I'M SO EXCITED! No, I did not have another Maple Syrup Honey Brown Sugar Molasses Rice Krispies Log. Although I would. I'M SO EXCITED because there is TAP DANCING in this episode! Our girls are flap ball changing their way across the greater Miami area and I could not be more excited about it!
With all the leg warmers? Perhaps...
I mean, it really doesn't matter. There's no losing this week. Although, the girls might lose out on the thrill of performing in their recital if Dorothy doesn't recover! Ya see, Dorothy and her leg warmers could barely walk through the door as they came home from tap class tonight. The problem? Well, according to Dot it's no big deal. Just a little pain that comes and goes. She thinks the bigger story is that Sophia is knitting a bottle cover for her sherry that she takes to the park for her Cloud Society meetings.
Sophia: We stake out a bench, knock a few sherrys back, and discuss what we think the clouds look like. One afternoon I thought I saw Pat Sajak riding side saddle on a dolphin.
Well, yes, that definitely seems like an interesting avenue to head down, but, my guess is that Dorothy and her 'no big deal' problem are going to play the starring role this week.
The girls move to the kitchen to eat salad from an enormous bowl and listen to Rose talk about an over pet cat and a dead horse. You know, dinner conversation. Dorothy tries to prove that her foot problem is a non-issue by attempting a Cincinnati time step herself. She gets as far as a full out clap with a "And a 1 - " before she immediately collapses into the cucumber slices. Yes, yes, she's going to have to have this all checked out by a doctor. Again. She had it checked out once before - in 1965. But, perhaps it might be time for a followup appointment. Then Blanche insults Dorothy's dancing, Dorothy makes like she's gonna stab Blanche with a fork, and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Maybe that's because it's Too Darn Hot! YES. We have arrived. Rose and Blanche have pulled up their tights, put on the Cole Porter and tapped right into my heart.
First off it is vital to note that these chicks got gams! They look fantastic. And no, not - fantastic for their age - they just look fantastic. Secondly, it's vital to note that this is one of my all time favorite moments in all of Golden Girls Land. This scene. The girls are going through their routine for the recital, sans Dorothy. They get to her solo where Rose gives us a line I quote much more than I probably ever should:
Rose: Go Dorothy, go!
And as it goes on... and on... Blanche notes:
Blanche: Gosh, I didn't realize how long Dorothy's solo is. I sure hope that doctor says she's gonna be alright.
God, this kills me. I mean, to put it in perspective, Rose and Blanche each get 2 counts of 8 for their solos. Dorothy gets 8 counts. EIGHT. EIGHT FULL COUNTS OF EIGHT. And yes, I did go back and count to make sure I was right. And, no, I don't have anything better to do with my time. Sometimes I dream at night - what would a tap solo by Dorothy Zbornak look like? A long tap solo. Could the reality ever fulfill my fantasies? If only, if only, if only... Maybe this is why I've had trouble sleeping lately.
Anyway, I just want to thank everyone that had anything to do with this scene happening.
And here's our star now - Gene Kelly Dorothy is back from the doctor with a cane and a diagnosis. Morton's Neuroma. Sounds a bit like a combo steak house/anxiety attack. But, in actuality, it's a thickening of the tissue surrounding nerves in your foot, which causes sharp pains. The good thing is that it can be completely cured with minor surgery that just requires one night in the hospital. The bad news is, Dorothy hates hospitals, doctors, blood, death, and the nighties that don't close in the back. So, she is NOT going to get it taken care of. Wait, wait, she IS going to get it taken care of. Guilt is a powerful motivator. And if there's one thing Sophia Petrillo is good at (besides intricate cloud imagery) it's laying on the guilt. Which she does. Listing all the degrees of pain she'll feel if Dorothy doesn't take care of herself. We get the idea this is not the first time Dorothy has heard this speech. But, it works. So, mission accomplished.
Dorothy has been admitted into a perfectly loooovely room that some people have probably died in. She's nervous. But, Sophia's motherly instincts kick in and she regales them all with a story of Sicilian surgery which involves people paying extra to be smothered by pillows, or something. I think. I rewound it twice but can't really concentrate on anything but picturing my fantasy Zbornak tap tour de force.
Visiting hours are over, so, the ladies leave. Dorothy attempts to join them, but, is captured and forcibly restrained. I mean, not really. She just gets back in the bed. But the ladies are out and the doctor is in. Not the doctor Dorothy is expecting though. Her expected doctor is unfortunately unable to attend the surgery due to a court hearing on a malpractice suit. So, we get UNexpected doctor who fully admits to being not nearly as good a doctor as the malpractice guy. None of this is bringing any comfort to our poor Gregory Hines Dot. Her last straw comes when a priest comes in and begins administering the last rites. Believing, of course, that Dorothy was a Mr. Ferguson. She is obviously not. I mean, would a Mr. Ferguson wear a full face of make up and pink silk pajamas? Well, wait a minute... it is Miami...
Dorothy makes a break for it and ends up at The House of the Rising Palm Trees.
Yes, Rose, it is Dorothy - not a "Big, ugly man with a limp wearing Dorothy's coat" - as you would naturally assume. It's Donald O'Connor Dorothy in the flesh. The girls, once again, do their best to convince Dorothy that her operation is no big whoop and she's going to be fine. Blanche tried to comfort her by sharing her own phobia - flying. Rose tries to comfort her by telling her horror stories from the summer she was a candy striper... nice effort, Rose. But, nothing is working. And Dorothy makes is very clear that no one and nothing is going to make her go back. CUE SOPHIA. There she is. And now we get to the root of Dorothy's phobia. When she was 5, she had her tonsils removed. Well, her father Sal couldn't stay at the hospital because he had to work in order to pay for the operation. And, Sophia couldn't stay at the hospital because she had to attend the funeral of Uncle "23 stab wounds at a block party and nobody saw a thing" Mario. So, little Dottie was left all alone and traumatized by it for years to come. The tale of woe does not in any way slow Sophia down. She declares she'll perform the surgery herself, just to show Dorothy how ridiculous she's being. And, with that, Sophia wins again. Fred Astaire Dorothy takes her top hat cane and gimps back to the hospital.
Dorothy is wheeled into a new room with a new sunny outlook. Not really. She's being a total crank. But, then she meets Bonnie! Now, Bonnie has a sunny outlook. She has a braid in her hair and is going to let nothing get her down. She's having surgery too. Her second mastectomy. Yup, second. Bonnie's been through a lot. She very simply and directly gives Dorothy the low down on what she's faced, and we see immediately that Dorothy is having a moment. It has finally clicked that her problems could be much, much worse than they are. And now she feels a little silly for being so dramatic up till now.
Bonnie: Dorothy, are you alright? How do you feel?
Dorothy: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.
Yas, gurl. Yas.
Meanwhile, back at headquarters - Rose and Blanche clearly didn't want to have to make too many costume changes. So, they are buttoned and scarfed up to their chins to hide their big finale costumes.
It's the night of the recital. And there's a bigger issue than the fact that Ann Miller Dorothy isn't going to be in their number. Blanche is scared! Yes, flying is not her only phobia. She can't perform... in front of groups. (side eye) You see, when she was in dance class as a child she had to perform in a recital. It didn't go well. SO not well that it's damn near poetic.
Blanche: 12 little girls started to dance.
1 little girl wet her pants.
That girl in the puddle was me!
Blanche, not wanting a repeat of that experience, pleads with Rose to let her stay home. Rose, sweet little Rose, grits her teeth, bares her fangs and tells Blanche to suck it up. She is hard core show biz and I love it.
Sophia sleeps soundly waiting for Dorothy to wake up from surgery. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, DOROTHY??? Your 85(ish) year old mother has sat in the same chair for 8 hours waiting for you to wake up just to help you over your biiiiiig trauma. And Bonnie seems to be doing ok too. She's not there, because Sophia sent her on a cafeteria run. But, I'm assuming if she felt up to that, then she's in good enough shape to handle her upcoming surgery. Good luck, Bonnie!
Buttoned and scarfed Rose and Blanche come to visit Dorothy. Who, btw, is totally fine. She's a little groggy and has some mild discomfort. All that drama for that. She'll be back in dancing shape before ya know it. But, it might not matter. You see, the recital went well. Really well. So well that the girls have been asked to take their act on the road. To a cotillion of all places! But, since Bill 'Bojangles' Robinson Dorothy was busy fixing her steak house anxiety condition, the girls had to make some changes to the act. They used to be the Tip Tap Trio (a name I'll use for something since it's not taken anymore), but, are now - The Two Merry Widows! Dorothy has been axed! And, with that, they whip off their coats, turn on a mid tempo version of Tea for Two, and dance, dance, dance! Blanche and Rose dancing as a pissed off Dorothy glares at them is really the PERFECT way to end this episode. Any episode. Any episode of any show.
Guest Stars: Robert Picardo - Dr. Revell
Anne Haney - Bonnie
Bill Quinn - The Priest
Fun Facts: This episode is loaded with character actors who put their stamp on TV history. Robert Picardo has one of the longest lists of credits I've seen on IMBD - 219! That's more than Billy Barty, and this guy is still working! He's one of those character actors that you might not know the name, but you've definitely seem him in stuff. Lots of stuff. Anne Haney - you know her the minute you hear her voice. She's got one of those voices that's just memorable. She's one of those actors that always fit right into tv shows. AND, she made a guest appearance on Golden Palace. (All hail The Golden Palace) And, last but not least, Bill Quinn. One of my favorite character actors that always seemed to pop up on the best shows on TV. The Odd Couple, The Bob Newhart Show, and several appearances as Mary's dad on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Just to name a few. In good company this week, for sure!
Fashion Report: I mean. Duh. Everything you need in life is right here.
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